No what?

I bet my amimals can spell better than you!

I heart Babes

No, not that kind of babes! Babe's Chicken Dinner House. I'm in Granbury today for work and stopped to have some of the best fried chicken and fixin's anywhere. They also have a place in Burleson. The food is family style and I ate enough to feed a family but half way through the meal all of the young waitresses got up to dance. You might think that would be entertaining but you would be wrong today. I enjoy the "Hokey-Pokey" as much as the next man (insert eye roll here) but every time I do the "Hokey-Pokey" I try to add as much feeling into it as is reasonable. These girls mutilated a perfectly good annoying child's song with particular unemphasis on the putting in and taking out of their elbows. They also only partly shook the various body parts, not one of them shaking anything "all about".

When that song was mercifully over, the girl who was my waitress got the microphone and launched into a dreadful version of "Crazy" by Patsy Cline and went around the restaurant singing into the eyes of male customers even holding their chin with her hand as she sang. I looked up from my chicken and noticed how most of the patrons in the place were politeley averting their eyes from this wanna-be budding young star but the girl was looking at and coming toward me! I'm not easily embarrassed but one of us needed to be and so I just smiled as she softly touched my shoulder and sang about how crazy she was for me just like she just did for some fat trucker in the other booth. I love fried chicken but I don't know if I can handle the collateral damage to my psyche from eating at Babe's any more!

The better to hear you with!

And then a little girl fell in this ear and we had to call the fire department to get her out.

Bush Breath

Then I found out why they call him "Putin" and I had to hold my breath like this!

Coulda been worse

The announcement at church brought back bad memories of one of many embarrassing days in High School. Our Sunday School classes were to compete in a softball game at the Youth Ballpark in Arlington and all I could think of was the last time I played softball in High School and not only struck out but struck out and fell down in front of everybody in the school. Surely, things would turn out better this time.

The mood was festive. People were laughing. Birds were singing and the self-expectation and confidence were high. The bottom half of the inning was spent in the field where luckily nothing was hit my way and I hardly moved. Fine with me. Three up and three down and we headed to the dugout. Several people on our team batted and some did better than others. No pressure if you are a child. No pressure for the women. Pressure for a full grown man.

I hid the shock of my name being called to bat and ran toward the bats hanging on the fence. I grabbed one like I knew what I was doing and jogged confidently towards home plate. I dug my feet into the dirt next to the plate and took some practice swings. Crowd cheers. Pitcher rocks back and lobs. No fancy stuff. Not too fast. Right toward the plate and a swing! I was surprised to not hear the crack of the bat hitting the ball but instead...silence. Strike one.

I vaguely heard the gasps of the crowd and with all of the confidence I could muster I dug in a little deeper in the dirt and took another powerful practice swing. No problem, I just needed to see one. This next one is going downtown! I think I heard my wife holler something. Was that my daughter laughing? Concentrate. Watch the ball. Here's the wind up and a lob straight toward the plate. Big swing! Swish. Strike two.

Two strikes and my head is swimming. This couldn't be that hard but it seems like things are moving too fast and the repressed High School memories are making concentration difficult. I stepped out of the batter's box and batted at my shoes a couple of times like I had seen real players do. Ouch! That was a little too hard. Now I have two strikes and a sore foot and I'm watching the taillights of my confidence fading fast. I step back to the plate and looked at the pitcher. He's old. Maybe he'll have a heart attack on the mound and I won't have to face another pitch. No such luck. The wind up...the pitch...I ain't swinging. Should have. Strike three.

But I didn't fall down! At least I didn't fall down. Right? Right?

Why NRA?

I try to be open-minded. I don't want to be so open-minded that I lose my brain and some things I think are worth sticking to your guns about (some pun intended) so I'm looking into joining the National Rifle Association. Yes, Don (both of you), I am thinking about it. The motivation climaxed this morning with the news of the Supreme Court doing the right thing by upholding the Second Amendment in Washington D.C. and I realized just how fragile our gun rights are. In deep reflection, I think my stubbornness to avoid the NRA comes from an idealistic view of the world where we should not have to lobby for automatic weapons and grenade launchers just to counter the other side who are lobbying for us to lose our right to keep and bear arms all together. In my naive world, there is a middle ground that is obvious to everybody and the NRA is not really necessary. Maybe I have been wrong. Maybe I have changed and the world has changed and maybe the NRA has changed. I'm willing to at least be that open-minded and check it out. I'll let ya know.

Why Obama?

I have a question. I don't want to be racist. I'm not racist. I have no reason to be racist. One's skin color makes no more difference to me than one's eye color. The question is: would the black people who are voting for Obama vote for him if he were not half black?

Where's the controversy?

Sounds like a pretty easy decision if you read the 2nd Amendment.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Obama Idol

Ooh! That monkey god will look great on the mantle of the Oval Office!

Read the 5th paragraph!

I don't know what to say...

I'm not usually a big fan of polls but this one intrigues me. 21% of Atheists believe in God? What...? How...? I don't underst...

I hate it when this happens...

Five sentences does not do this situation justice. For starters, I don't know what a "low-rise v-string" is but the heading calls it a thong. Do thongs usually have "decorative metallic pieces"? Is this a thong or a chastity belt? And just how much pressure was this underwear under? I have a vision of a can of biscuits popping open. Also, how could it possibly hit her in the eye? Is she putting them over the right part of her body? Finally, at 52 years of age shouldn't she just stick to grannie panties? Probably safer for everyone.

Good News!

Good news for all of us who want to marry outside the traditional bounds of marrriage! The California Supreme Court dropped the ban on same-sex marriage the other day so how much longer until I'm finally going to be able to marry the loves of my life? Since marriage no longer really means marriage and it now just means the union of loving individuals I figure that soon I should be able to marry the individuals that I love. I mean, if two people of the same sex can marry, why not three people? And if three people could get married, why not a person and a non-person? Let's just throw the stinkin' doors wide smooth open and let's just say anybody can marry anything! What's the difference?

If all you want is whatever benefits that come with saying you're married and you don't mind watering the institution down to whatever justifies your lifestyle, then I'm gonna marry my dogs! How about that? I guarantee that we love each other and have a loyal commitment to each other. What else do you need? If something happens to me I want my dogs to be provided for so what better way than to mutilate a holy instituion? I can't help that I love dogs. I've known that I love dogs since I was a little boy. I was born that way. Now I can finally prove with a piece of paper that I'm not wrong for loving dogs. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with Bo, Sara, and Dori in loving matrimony as soon as California or maybe Massachusetts makes it legal. Don't worry, I'll send you an invitation.

Fathers Day

Commercials

Ok, I know I have vented about radio and TV commercials before and I still believe that they are a direct curse from Satan himself but I have an idea. I'm not usually a fan of the "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" motto but I'm pretty sure I could do that job. I mean, how hard could it be to make a commercial? They obviously are making somebody some money because if they weren't they would quit making them and I could watch The Simpsons in peace. But since we can't collect taxes like they used to in Bible days and I have yet to make anything close to my first million doing it legally, I'm thinking of a career change.

I have a couple of hurdles to get over before I can start doing commercials for a living though. First, I'm not very smart. Let's be real honest with each other here. Brain surgeon I ain't. But that in itself is not the real problem. The problem is that not being very smart, I always want to do things that don't work very well. There are lots of illustrations of that but those are stories for a different day. Anyhow, my thinking is that if I were doing commercials I would want to do them completely different. Call me crazy but I think a quality product would sell best if you plainly and without drama laid out the features and the benefits of the product in an honest and succinct way. I would not scream or use guys dressed like cowboys anymore to sell anything ever again. But that obviously wouldn't work or somebody would do it that way already, I'm sure.

This leads to my second hurdle and that is that I have morals. I think that probably disqualifies me from advertising and surely from law or politics but in my commercial-making world honesty would be the best policy. If you can't advertise the absolute truth, here's a thought: don't bring it up. You don't have to lie or even exaggerate about the benefits of a product. Don't say something is the greatest in the world or is recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors if you can't back it up. Be creative enough to honestly tell me why this product or service would be good for me and then shut up. If you can't then don't advertise it. In fact, make a better product and then tell me about it. How about that?

I think one of the easiest commercials to make would be a perfume or cologne commercial. There's no real good way of presenting the benefits of perfume except to say "It smells real good!" So, advertising people just get some model to walk around and you just have to use your imagination that she smells good. Sounds pretty easy to produce that one. The hardest part would be finding a model. Where do you go for perfume models? And if you want to really test your creativity, sell perfume on a radio commercial. Even I could model perfume on the radio! All you basically have to say is, "I smell better than you. Buy my cologne".

So, while my feelings for commercials haven't changed - I still hate them with the white hot passion of a thousand bottles of new and improved Tabasco - I would like to give it a try just for the money. Is that so stupid? I think I could make money and still be honest. Truth in advertising will alway win out. In fact, 60 % of the time...it works every time! Or your money back!!!

Fishing Monkeys

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080610/D9176BNO0.html

Yes, but will they bait their own hook?

Don't they know that river is "catch and release" only?

It's really neat to watch them drive their little boat out to the "honey hole".

If a fish gets away the monkeys actually throw their own poo at it.

If a monkey is too drunk to fish... he may be a redneck.

Schlitterbahn

Just got back from the water park in New Braunfels called Schlitterbahn. I realized a couple of things in my time there: First, I obviously don't have near enough tattoos and also, no matter how fat, ugly and freaky you are, there is always somebody fatter, uglier and freakier than you and they are wearing less clothes.

What is he saying to her?

I know it might be difficult for some of you, but please keep your comments at least PG-13.

Here's a couple to get you started:

You don't smell anything like what Rev. Wright said!

Wow, your skin is almost as smooth as John Edwards'!

My other car...

If gas prices continue to go up, I may have to trade my car for a bike.

Osamalamadingdong

'Ello and welcome to de Kwicky Mart!

Stop! In the name of thermonuclear global suicide bomber love!

No, please. It is offensive to call me a raghead. It is actually a small sheet. I prefer "sheethead".

5 times I come to dis barber and you always cut wrong hair! Now am forced to put this on head.

You won't believe it! I found 5 ticks in this beard yesterday.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth that I make up out of my warped brain and swear comes from the mouth of Allah.

Hey, y'all! Check out my new watch band!

I got great deal on new camo jacket! Five finger discount!

Ooh! Can somebody bring me some toilet paper, please?

For the last time, It's Osama, not Obama! That's just mean!

Good day for a memorial

Retired Army Colonel Jack H. Jacobs' story is just one of many that again make me proud to be an American. One has to wonder how many other times, in other places and other battlefields this kind of heroism was evidenced but never rewarded. To me, it is heroic to sign up to be a soldier and I can never voice my thanks or show my appreciation enough to all those who have. Today, though, on this Memorial Day, I want to highlight just one of those brave men. This will not do justice to his or the others' service but it is written with my most sincere gratitude. So, enjoy the day, eat some watermelon and go play at the lake but if you are able to do these things thank a veteran.

Medal of Honor citation
Citation:
For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity in action at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty. Capt. Jacobs (then 1st Lt.), Infantry, distinguished himself while serving as assistant battalion advisor, 2d Battalion, 16th Infantry, 9th Infantry Division, Army of the Republic of Vietnam. The 2d Battalion was advancing to contact when it came under intense heavy machine gun and mortar fire from a Viet Cong battalion positioned in well fortified bunkers. As the 2d Battalion deployed into attack formation its advance was halted by devastating fire. Capt. Jacobs, with the command element of the lead company, called for and directed air strikes on the enemy positions to facilitate a renewed attack. Due to the intensity of the enemy fire and heavy casualties to the command group, including the company commander, the attack stopped and the friendly troops became disorganized. Although wounded by mortar fragments, Capt. Jacobs assumed command of the allied company, ordered a withdrawal from the exposed position and established a defensive perimeter. Despite profuse bleeding from head wounds which impaired his vision, Capt. Jacobs, with complete disregard for his safety, returned under intense fire to evacuate a seriously wounded advisor to the safety of a wooded area where he administered lifesaving first aid. He then returned through heavy automatic weapons fire to evacuate the wounded company commander. Capt. Jacobs made repeated trips across the fire-swept open rice paddies evacuating wounded and their weapons. On 3 separate occasions, Capt. Jacobs contacted and drove off Viet Cong squads who were searching for allied wounded and weapons, single-handedly killing 3 and wounding several others. His gallant actions and extraordinary heroism saved the lives of 1 U.S. advisor and 13 allied soldiers. Through his effort the allied company was restored to an effective fighting unit and prevented defeat of the friendly forces by a strong and determined enemy. Capt. Jacobs, by his gallantry and bravery in action in the highest traditions of the military service, has reflected great credit upon himself, his unit, and the U.S. Army.

Witches' Lib

Having been concerned for some time now that I am not reaching a large section of the female population with my writing, I have come to the conclusion that they are sincerely missing out. I see two options to attract more women to this site: I could write long, breath-taking articles on the benefit of pumps versus flats and where to find mascara that matches your skin tone or I could articulate my thoughts on the burning of witches.

The subject of witch burning has been controversial since at least the 1692 Salem witch trials but I am here to let women of all streams of society know that I am, as a rule, against the burning of witches. This will be good news to my High School math teacher, the lady who used to live across the street and two ex-girlfriends. I have come to realize that witchcraft is hard to prove in court and that even hardened witches can sometimes be rehabilitated.

The problem with burning witches is that it takes a lot of room and can be very messy. My neighborhood also has a burn ban in place and that much firewood is getting expensive. So, in the interest of practicality and, of course, witches' rights, I propose that when a woman is proven to be a witch she should be sentenced to a lifetime of pant suits and at least one failed run at the Presidency. You're welcome, ladies. You can go back to cooking dinner now.

Good news for zombies!

I didn't know the Vatican had it's own newspaper or observatory but evidently they have that kind of time and money. Just this week the chief observatory guy gave an interview to the newspaper guy saying he was fine with believing in ET's since he basically has no real faith or something to that effect. This corresponds to the announcement made by the head of the Vatican Voodoo department saying Zombies will now be allowed into the priesthood since they are the reanimated corpses of God's creatures.

His last case of beer

Wright opinion

I don't have to tell you that this is probably not the place to come for in-depth, analytical, well-thought out, helpful problem-solving or even theorizing. A philosopher, I ain't. Read Socrates or Don Dodson if you want stuff like that. In fact, forget Socrates. Don is smarter just not quite as well published. But I do have my opinions and as much as it sounds like a whiney little punk, I do have my feelings. I'm sure I have had my feelings hurt in the past but I can't really remember when. I'm just not that way. But I had my feelings hurt today and now I'm ticked!

There are lots of other places to go to actually learn about the whole Pastor Jeremiah Wright / Obama controversy but all I can do is tell about how it affected me today. It affected me because I actually listened to nearly an hour of one of Wright's sermons today. You probably have heard the infamous "G** D*** America" line from one of his sermons but Wright says he was taken out of context in how he said it. He is a liar. I cannot imagine that kind of speech made in any kind of public forum but especially from behind a pulpit. I hesitate to even include those words with asterisks in this post and I sincerely apologize for the offensiveness here but imagine hearing those words unaltered and unashamedly from someone who calls themself a Christian or from anyone who claims to be an American! Who does he think he is?! What are the members of that church thinking? Wright has said some pretty crazy things but when those words came out of his mouth there should have been any number of people stand up and immediately put his back against a wall and inform him in no uncertain terms that speech like that against the nation where he lives WILL NOT be tolerated.

Race has nothing to do with it. Politics has nothing to do with it. I am hurt by his words as a Christian and an American and even if America is far from perfect I will not tolerate that kind of hate-filled language for the country that guarantees your right to express it. Reverend Wright, you don't have to love it but you also don't have to live here!

Enhancement?

I have a question. I always mute TV commercials so I don't know what the women might be saying, but, has anybody's wife EVER seriously looked at her husband the way the women in the male enhancement ads look at their husbands?

Concealed pride

This is my target I shot at the range for my Concealed Handgun License last week. 50 shots. Scored a 249 out of 250 and scored a perfect 100 on the written exam. In the eyes of the state of Texas I am officially considered...one bad dude. And no, I am still not joining the NRA.

Not worth a thousand words

Future billionairess Miley Cyrus has been in the news today with a couple of pictures taken of her for Vanity Fair magazine (whatever that is). If there is anything worse than taking advantage of kids in any way I don't know what it is but I strangely don't have near as much of a problem with these as some people seem to. She is photographed with bare shoulders and a sheet wrapped around her. She is fifteen years old and apparently her parents approved of the pics as they were taken. Would I want my 15 year old photographed like that? Definitely not. Would I let my 6 year old watch her Disney show? Yeah, sure. Would I want my 6 year old seeing those pictures? Not really, but what does concern me is the way she seems to be taking the "Britney path" to celebrityhood. I don't know that she stands a chance with all that money at such a young age but let's hope she's smarter than that.

Caught on film!

Government official asleep on the job! Film at 11:00.

The Pope's shoes

I kid you not, these are the Pope's shoes! I guess it's hard to find the just the right shoes to match that hat!

Caption this...

Y'all seemed to really like the last one so put your captions in the comment section.

I keep mine locked up!

This could really be bad for members of a certain "resort"!

Places I've been, things I've seen.

One of the things I enjoy about my job is the way it takes me to places I wouldn't ordinarily go where I see things I wouldn't ordinarily see. The last couple of weeks have been noteworthy in that regard and while I probably have not seen everything yet, I had to share these. Keep in mind that I collect taxes (don't even start with the Zachaeus jokes!) and all of these places charge some kind of tax and have at least something in common.

Last week some in my office went down to the Main Street Arts Festival. If you have never been just imagine every kind of art being displayed in booths by several hundred vendors all along the main strip downtown. I don't understand several things about this festival but mainly why some people obviously pay alot of money for some piece of artwork that I would pay to have hauled off and also how is it that if you put a frame around it you can call it art but otherwise it would easily qualify for soft-core pron?

While we were down at this modern art festival I noticed a woman walking around with a shirt that advertised the "Vagina Monologues". I don't know what that is but her shirt said in big letters on the front, "If your vagina could talk..." and on the back, "What would it say?" Well, that's a dumb question but the middle school boy in me had several dumb answers! Her shirt also said in smaller letters, "Celebrate V-Day". Celebrate V-Day? What does that involve? Is there a parade? Do I get the day off? Do I have to wear a certain color or get pinched? I don't know if I want to know!

Last Saturday night we went to a strip club. Yes, I promise this was for work! And trust me, if I had the opportunity to go back to this place I'd pass. I just have to wonder if the woman I saw working there had a mirror at home at all. She was obviously wearing the same tiny bikini that she wore 85 pounds ago and those poor pieces of cloth were screaming! It looked like a band aid being stretched around a can of biscuits! If that clasp breaks somebody could lose an eye. What may be worse is that some guy was there watching her dance. Sometimes it's embarrassing to be a part of the male species.

I have to say that those experiences pale in comparison to what just happened to me this morning. I left my house this morning to do what I do every day but I had no idea it would involve something I had never done before and hope to never do again. One of my stops today was a "resort". This "resort" has been collecting tax but not remitting it back to the state so it is my job to go see them and convince them to pay up. I had been to this place before in years past and I knew what kind of "resort" it was but in the past it was cold outside and the few people I saw were all dressed warmly. Today is a bright, warm, sunshiney day and the first man I saw as I pulled into the parking lot was wearing a hat and a pair of flip flops. Period. I got out of my car and grabbed my laptop as the man approached me. "Hi! Can I help you?", he said like someone behind the counter at the mall. I introduced myself and he told me his name as he politely put out his hand. Now, I had just a fraction of a second to decide. Does one shake hands with a nekkid man? I didn't know the answer soon enough, I guess, so I just shook his hand, and looking him square in the eye, I asked for the owner of the resort. He jumped on his golf cart and went to get the owner leaving me standing there outside the office. Evidently this is a popular place with older men as I saw several more as I stood there. One guy getting in the pool. Another one working on his tan. (No tan lines!) Everybody just being normal. You know, just another day at the resort. The owner did finally arrive and luckily he was wearing jeans so we talked and then I left. I don't know about you but that was a first for me. Now I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. Maybe I should bring my camera along. Or...maybe not.

(Editor) I undestand that the content of this post has made this website blocked by some internet filters. I changed the spelling of a couple words that might have been the culprit. Let me know if that helps.

Captions galore!

So that the Catholics don't think I just pick on them, please leave your captions here.

Welcome and Happy Birthday!

Well, good! Pope Benedict XVI made his first appearance in the United States this week and met the President and First Lady on a day that just happened to be the Pontiff's birthday. The Pope is scheduled to be in the White House today and later deliver mass in Yankee Stadium. When asked what he wanted for his birthday, Pope Benedict only asked that his traditional birthday spanking of eighty-one licks be given by a young boy of his choosing.

They get bitter, they cling to guns or religion as a way to explain their frustrations. Barack Hussein Obama

Religion...It is the opiate of the people. Karl Marx

A confession

They say confession is good for the soul. I hate to admit any of this but it has already started to leak out and I want to save myself and my family any more shame. So here goes: yes, it is true. Chelsea Clinton is my love child.

The year was 1979. I was an Army Ranger with 101st Airborne Seabees imbedded deep in the jungles of Viet Nam doing recon missions. I had been wounded by schrapnel after throwing myself on a gook grenade to save my squad and was layed up in the M.A.S.H. just outside of Bung Ho. Word came from headquarters that then Governor of Arkansas Bill Clinton's wife Hillary was coming into Nam to visit the troops. With snipers everywhere, I knew that this area was much too dangerous for a woman of her status. There was only one man capable of handling all the snipers and I knew it so I pulled out my IV, grabbed my counter-sniper rifle and hit the jungle one more time. I had a mission.

Time:0800. Exact location: Confidential. Mission: Protect Hillary at all costs.

With my camo Ghillie suit erasing any visual from the enemy, I waited in the shadows. At just the appointed time, I heard the bird overhead approaching the LZ. Every sense was heightened. Every nerve on end. All of my years of training were coming down to this one moment. This was no time to think. Think...and people die.

I scanned the LZ with my binoculars and radioed the all-clear to the bird's pilot who quickly set the big chopper down on the tarmac. As the doors opened I thought everything was going as planned but as soon as Hillary's left foot hit the tarmac, I heard a shot ring out. She instinctively ducked and grabbed the young Vietnamese girl coming to greet her and ran for the nearest building but the sniper fire increased. The first sniper had barely pulled the trigger when I took him out. Swinging my rifle around, I took out the second sniper with a shot from the hip and then got my sights on another. Aim, breathe, squeeze. Another enemy hits the bloody dirt. After what seemed like hours, I realized that I had run out of ammo. Not a bullet wasted. I ran into the jungle and used my bayonet to kill the last three. Mission accomplished.

As I walked slowly back to the main camp, I realized that my schrapnel wounds were bleeding badly. I guess it was then that the whole situation finally hit my wracked body and I collapsed just outside the door of the ER. The pain woke me up several hours later and I sensed the presence of a person I assumed was a nurse next to my bed. I tried to sit up but fell back with a moan. It was then that I realized that it was not a nurse next to my bed but to my surprise it was Hillary herself. She carefully stroked my arm and assured me everything would be OK. I thought it must be the morphine playing tricks on my mind but then with her hand in mine, I blacked out again.

The nurses later told me that Hillary stayed by my bedside for three days hardly eating or sleeping and refusing to leave. When I woke on that third day she was there beside me. Bleary-eyed from lack of sleep and stinking from not showering, she gazed into my eyes longingly. She said she was moved by my heroism and was going to insist to the President that I receive the Medal of Honor. I tried to politely argue otherwise saying I was only doing my duty but she would have nothing of that. As a side note, I did later receive the Medal of Honor and Medal of Honor II which is even better. But that day in the humid squalor of Bung Ho, I quickly realized that for Hillary a priceless medal would not satisfy her longing to show her appreciation. She ached with gratefulness and soon, as the sun set on this lonely village, I enveloped the extent of that gratefulness.

I am not proud of that day and it is with regret that I reveal those dark secrets I have repressed all of these years. I never saw Hillary again in person after that night and without a paternity test cannot prove that Chelsea is my love child but one glance at Chelsea's picture is all the proof I need. Look at those bug-eyes and double chin! I'm sure she will be bald soon. I say all of this in the hopes of reassuring Hillary. I want nothing from her. No money, no fame. Just to be able to reassure her in the same way that she reassured me all those years ago. Don't worry, Hillary, it will be OK. The truth will set you free!

Shut up and go to my church!

I often hear people complaining about their church. I have heard friends and family say that their church is dead or boring or even Biblically incorrect and I wonder why they still go there. I'm not talking about the sham that Obama is trying to pull with that church in Chicago, I'm talking about people that go to the same church every week and leave feeling, acting, and living the same as they went in. Maybe they are going for the wrong reason to begin with. I understand that some people go to church out of habit or because they feel pressured to by someone or some thing or because it makes them look good or feel good just to go somewhere.



To be honest, I didn't really want to go to church this morning. I have alot of things going and I had several semi-valid reasons for not getting up, getting dressed, getting in the car and driving thirty minutes to church today. I'm sure everybody has days like that but as soon as I got there I was glad I made the effort. I know my church is not for everyone. Being the youngster that I am, I like to have my music pretty lively. I also like my pastor to be pretty lively and I like a Bible Fellowship or Sunday School that is not afraid to tackle hard questions (even if the teacher could be better at asking them sometimes). But even if my kind of church is different than your kind of church, you need to find a church that fits you.



Sometimes finding a church that fits is difficult and I am not promoting leaving the church you are in just because some little thing has made you uncomfortable. No church is perfect because it is filled with imperfect people and that includes the pastor and staff. It breaks my heart to find out somebody left a church because somebody sat in their seat or the pastor didn't smile big enough when he said hello or that music director talks too much! It's time to get smooth over that piddly stuff and start worshipping in spirit and truth like the Bible says. But you have to realize that your pastor is not the one that is being worshipped and, yes, sometimes the pastor has to realize that too. Pastors make mistakes like all of us do but they also have incredible responsibility and I love and appreciate my pastor for being who he is and what he does day in and day out. It has to be difficult sometimes.

As I looked around in our worship time this morning and I saw my close, dear friends and I saw faces I had never seen before, I felt God's presence in a real way. I saw friends who were hurting deeply and lifted them up in prayer. I had other friends tell me they were praying for me. I opened my Bible and learned more about who Jesus is and not once was I bored. I never once felt intimidated, embarrassed, or pressured. I left that place different than when I went in and I know others did as well.

Again, I know that my church is not for every one. People like different things or are accustomed to "doing" worship different and ours is not necessarily the best way but I love my church. I look forward to next Sunday already. Maybe you don't feel the same way. Maybe you dread going to church. I hate that for you. It shouldn't be that way. Your relationship with Jesus Christ deserves better than a dead church so if that is the case with you then quit complaining and put out a little effort and find the church that is right for you. I hope it is Hulen Street Baptist Church but if not, I pray you find the church that is right for you. It will be worth it, I promise!

Condi comments

I started to do the usual "I read Todd's blog 10 times a day" caption but I know there are better ones. Here's a couple to get you started:

Aw, C'mon, George, just one more game of patty-cake!

Everybody now! Put ya hands in the air like ya just don't care!

Push 'em back! Push 'em back! Waaay back!

Eight little, nine little, ten little Native Americans...

Please Governor Spitzer, I said No!

The better to see you with, Part II

I never noticed it before but I think Chelsea has my eyes!

Two wrongs make a Democrat

I know! I know! When his pastor was found out to be a racist, bigoted, anti-semitic , anti-American hate-monger, Obama should have just said, "I have a different memory about him than that" and that would explain everything!

Her time to go...

Just so you don't have to look at my whopping eyes at the top of the page, I'm posting this webpage and my thought that this is pretty much God leaning down and pointing His finger at you and saying, (use your best God voice here)"Time's up!"

The better to see you with, my dear!

Forgive the light posting lately, for some reason I have a pretty good headache! Could be because the doctors removed some bone around my eyes. Or it could be work stress!

Terrorists are funny!

I couldn't keep a straight face and try to write this. There are just too many things that make me laugh! First, what exactly is a "bycott"? And "religious violation"? Is that what the two guys on the far right are doing? Can't you just hear them all singing, "Put your hands up and SHOUT!"? Little bit louder now. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Classy!

I only wear it for the articles!

Just say "NO", Moses!

The truth has finally come out this week about the embarrassing drug habit of one of our religious founding fathers. I am sad to admit that the 12-step program Moses was in (yes, that Moses) could only take him so far and that to really have several of his other-worldly experiences he turned to smoking the Biblical equivalent of a doobie. We now realize the burning bush was really a burning blunt and that his mountain top experiences were trips provided by his dealer Aaron. It is sad to have to acknowledge the reason God provided manna in the desert was just because Moses had the munchies and the millions of people following him just wanted a sample of that sweet Canaanite Gold. So remember: Friends don't let friends get 10 commandments!

I'm #2! I'm #2!

Hey, Hillary how many chins do you have and how many times a day do you read "Blog? I thought you said dog"?

It's already happening!

Is it just me or has anybody else noticed that during the hottest part of summer is when the global warming theorists talk the most but now that winter is here they are already saying this! I mean, these "scientists" are aware of the seasons aren't they? Hotter in summer and colder in winter! Which one will kill us first? Probably old age. Or zombies. It could be zombies. I'm just saying.

**Update**

I had no idea how close I was to right when I posted this yesterday! Looks like it may not be zombies after all but, get this, "killer robots"!!

***Updated Update***

Have no fear. Just buy the insurance! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-191388800018857925

50 Years!!

Today, Valentines Day, is an important day in the life of my family. My parents have been married for 50 years today and I learned something as to the secret. Our whole family got together for lunch after church Sunday to celebrate and as we all sat in the restaurant talking, eating and laughing, I asked my Dad the question. "So, Pop, what's the secret?", I asked. My Dad, who was sitting across the table and down a few chairs didn't answer. He just kept eating. "Pop! What's the secret?", I asked a little louder. Still nothing. I asked him one more time and still he didn't hear me. Finally, my brother-in-law, who was sitting next to him replied, "Evidently, the secret is not being able to hear very well!"
I'm sure that is a big part of it sometimes but I know there is more, not the least of which is both putting Christ at the center of the marriage and leaving divorce out of the question from day one. Thanks, Mom and Pop, for your example and if anyone sees them, please congratulate them on putting up with each other for so long. Just say it loud!

How do you know?

My question is, "How does anybody know it's that cold?", because shouldn't anybody who's smart enough to look at a thermometer have moved away from there by now?

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080211/D8UO9P3O1.html

Flag Etiquette

I was at an event this evening and realized we all needed this reminder:

During the ceremony of hoisting or lowering the flag or when the flag is passing in a parade or in review, all persons present except those in uniform should face the flag and stand at attention with the right hand over the heart. Those present in uniform should render the military salute. When not in uniform, men should remove the headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart. Aliens should stand at attention. The salute to the flag in a moving column should be rendered at the moment the flag passes.
Section 6
During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform shall stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart. Men not in uniform should remove their headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart.

Evidently, the woman in front of us knew of the optional position for your left hand to be squarely and firmly on your husband's buttocks.

From: Public Law as amended July 7, 1976 by the 94th Congress of the United States.

Not exactly Pamplona

Walking slowly with the bulls...

in the Fort Worth Stockyards today.

Pathway to what?

What could these people possibly talk about on Sunday morning, the weather?

http://www.pathwaysuu.org/

Speling

Hay, pa, yous the best speler in tha familee. Go put a sine on tha frunt dor so peeple will kwit tryin to use are batroom.

Similar thinking

Eli Manning said something interesting the other day and credited it to his brother Peyton. Eli, quarterback for the Super Bowl winning New York Giants, said his brother told him before the Big Game that it was better to go into the last few seconds of the game down by four points than three points because it made you fight harder knowing you had to go for the touchdown to win instead of a possible field goal for a tie. Maybe it is that type of thinking that makes a great quarterback: very "Type A", "left-brained", "all or nothing".

Some conservatives are saying or at least implying that John McCain winning the Presidency would be the worst-case scenario for the United States in the long run. The thinking is that if the country goes to hell on a sled it would be better that it happen on the Dems watch and not ours and then the nation would wake up in four years and elect a real conservative to drive down the field the rest of the way. If that happens, one has to hope that the game is not too far over to win.

***Update***

Dr. James Dobson was on the Glenn Beck Show this morning.

GLENN: Okay. Can you vote for John McCain?

DR. DOBSON: No. No, I can't. And people are livid about that and I understand it. I mean, I have always voted. Ever since I've been an adult I've voted. But this time, I'm telling you I'm backed up against a wall.

He specifically said he would vote for the other positions on the ballot but not for the Presidency. Does he really think not voting at all is the best way?

So many jokes

When I tell you that I am home sick today it will become funnier to you in a moment when I tell you what I just saw on the news. I am sitting on the couch watching the channel 5 news and in the middle of all the news stories, the female newscaster comes on and apologizes for the story they ran yesterday that said, "a man's health could be improved by looking at womens' breasts", and how it turned out to be untrue. She apolologized and assured the viewers they made every effort to verify the stories before they aired them.

Please keep comments rated G.

Tuesday

So is today more "Super" or more "Fat"? And being from Texas, should I really care? I don't understand either one well enough to care. I mean, I understand Valentine's Day which is coming right up and I understand President's Day which is also right around the corner. I have enough to think about with those days on my calendar. Valentines cards and a nice dinner, deciding on appropriate lingerie to honor our past presidents, and also, what to get my wife? I have alot to think about.

What if it's silent but deadly?

If I think this story is funny does that mean I still think like an 8th grade boy?

Finetune

Ok, I saw this at this website and I want it on my blog. Can someone please tell me how to do it? I have tried to "embed playlist" in my HTML but it's not working. It just doesn't show up. If Mr. Big White Hat can listen to Bob Wills, then I want to!

http://www.finetune.com/

Achmed

Achmed's version of the Madonna song "Like a Virgin" loses something in the translation.

I'm not responsible

If my windshield gets hit one more time from a rock out of the back of a truck like this I am going to start wearing a sign that says Not Responsible for Punching Truck Drivers and then I'm gonna go push the back of his truck!

Where did this McCain from from?

Just a month or so ago I was telling someone how I have my favorites for the Presidency but I could be very happy with almost any of the Republican candidates. The Democrats are way out there for me and I don't necessarily agree with all of the Republicans but I could throw my support behind any number of the Republican candidates. In fact, more so at this point than I could ever remember, we were sitting pretty good with our choices. Romney, Thompson, Huckabee, even Guiliani would be pretty good! Now all of the sudden this John McCain guy is THE front-runner! Thompson and Guiliani aren't even running anymore and now it looks like the least conservative guy in the pack is liable to be our guy! What happened? Or, a better question is: What can we do to keep it from happening in 2012 when I move back from Switzerland?

At least half of Bill Maher is stupid!

Where do I begin? I do not know much about Bill Maher. His show does not come on any station or time that I watch so I have never seen it. He did seem to come off very arrogant and ignorant at the same time. This video clip is a small round table of an eclectic group of people mainly discussing the Bible. It is offensive and sad at the same time and yet, at the end it made me laugh. I am hardly a Bible scholar but none of these guys have any idea about what they are talking!

It is offensive because Maher purposefully tries to make Bible-believers look ignorant. It is sad because I believe his ignorance of the Bible will be costly to him as well as others with whom he has influence. I have to wonder what that discussion would have sounded like had there been someone there with more than a passing knowledge of scripture. I appreciate Trace Adkins and D.L. Hughley trying to make their cases and stand up for what they believe in but Maher probably could have said almost anything and they would not know how to respond. I do not know what I would have said either, necessarily, especially on nationwide TV, but with the benefit of some time I have some thoughts about what was said.

The Old Testament especially seemed to be taking the most hits that night with the obviously gay Dan Savage saying it was full of "ancient desert prejudices" and saying people had used it to justify slavery. My Mother says one can justify anything and I suppose one could use even the Bible to do it but it does not make it right, legally or morally. Just because a situation is found in the words of scripture does not mean it was Divinely condoned. For one thing, there is a progressive revelation found in scripture starting with Adam and Eve in the garden. God did not explicitly reveal his will or what He expected of man at the beginning of time but chose to draw out His plan through His providence in His own time that continues even today. That is to say that man did not necessarily know from the beginning that things like slavery and polygamy were not what God wanted and even if they did they could justify their wrongs to themselves in the same way we justify our wrongs today.

Also, as one reads through scripture, and again, especially the Old Testament, one sees the benefits of obedience and the consequences of disobedience. Maher said he would put the Bible close to last of the things he would use to teach his kids morals and that is a shame. It is a wonderful book of history among other things; a book that vividly shows what happens to people when they do not put God first in their lives and mistreat others. In fact, despite the panel's errors regarding the Ten Commandments (twenty commandments?) they are all about putting God first and how to treat your fellow man and if one follows those ten, one does not need any other rules about rape, incest, bestiality or slavery.

Maher said one thing in particular that made me wince. His comment about people believing in a "magic person" was not so much hurtful as it was sad. It is sad because if Maher had read the Bible he would know that there is a big difference between magic and omnipotence; between a magician and a holy, sovereign and loving God who chose to reveal Himself through this love note of a book to a bunch of inherently un-Godlike people like Maher, Savage, Atkins, and me. So, call it "doing the God thing" if you like or even the opiate of the masses but to me I will always be a Bible fan and a Jesus-following, God-lover no matter what Maher and the others think.

Wesley Snipes

Wow! This Wesley Snipes continues to prove his irrelevence and meaninglessness in the real world with his continued problems with the Internal Revenue Service. Never a big fan of Snipes, I have done my best to ignore him and his I.R.S. problems that pop into the news every now and then but the headline about his threats of "increased collateral risks" to the I.R.S. agents caught my attention.

As a tax collector myself, I have heard similar threats. Bodily harm and mental regret and anguish are promised pretty regularly as well as name-calling and other mainly testosterone-induced harmless chest-pounding and rarely is it cause for real concern. I did have a man threaten to shoot me one time but he cooled off quickly when it was reported and he spent the night in jail. Something about threatening a public servant makes the police frown. Most of the time, though, the threats basically go in one ear and out the other.

Tax problems are embarrassing for people. They do not want people to find out what dead-beats they are and when trouble invariably comes they try to hold on to some semblance of control. Those two reactions can cause problems and it nearly always is worse for the taxpayer. Threats, excuses, crying, and promises will never take the place of responsibility. Forgetfulness and procrastination are disastrously poor excuses, not to mention the ridiculous race card that Snipes threw down! Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and pay what you owe and get over it even if you consider yourself to be famous.

So, Wesley, here's my advice, coming from one rebel to another so I know it is difficult: File it, pay it, and get on with it. The only collateral damage is going to come from your bank account and it will just get worse tomorrow. Now if you would spend as much time and energy on your movies as you did avoiding taxes you would probably win an Oscar!

What does she mean?

I don't even understand what she meant by this. Did she just get caught up in the moment, or what because surely even Hillary doesn't believe that no woman is illegal?

Kids

I hear people all of the time lamenting the fact that they cannot get pregnant. "We have been trying so hard to get pregnant but we just can't", they cry! A couple of things come to mind when I hear this. First, is it such a bad thing to be trying to get pregnant?! I mean, is that not about like trying to break the world chocolate-eating record? How much more fun could a job get? Oh, don't throw me in that briar patch, says Blair Rabbit! Yes, they are not going to get much sympathy from me! Second, have these people who cannot get pregnant ever been around kids? Have they spent any time with children of any age? Maybe they think that having kids is going to be as hard work as conceiving the little suckers. I hate to break it to them but raising kids is not near as much fun as trying to have them.

Seriously, when is the fun part in child-rearing? I need to know. I need something to look forward to. I know that the first few months are very difficult. No sleep, diapers, spit-up, cholic--sounds like me soon. Then comes the "Terrible Twos" that last for a couple of years, acting up in pre-school, and before you know it you have parent-teacher conferences more often than you used to have sex! With Middle School comes their first cuss words and learning more from their friends than you would ever want them to know. High School means they are going to try acting out all those things they learned while the only thing you are doing in bed is wondering where they are and what they are doing and if your insurance is going to cover it.

Oh, sure, there are times when they make you laugh but it is usually just because you can either laugh or cry and laughing takes less energy. Pretty soon you realize that they are having all the fun and yet they still have a worse attitude than you do and they seem to have no greater joy than when you are all miserable! I am sure glad I was never like that and I cannot understand why anyone would want to have one in the house! Mark Twain said, "Familiarity breeds contempt - and children." You are better off with contempt!

How was your Christmas?

It's a question one can expect to hear often for the next few weeks. "How was your Christmas?" You will be expected to say that yours was good or great and it is probably true. Mine was very good. We did everything we were supposed to do: gifts, eating with relatives, time with the kids, the whole thing. Yet somethings not quite right. Almost, but not quite. I think with all the wrapping and cooking and even relaxing that I just did not pay enough attention to Jesus. I did not ignore Him at all. I even read the Christmas story in Luke chapter 2 and also read some Old Testament passages predicting the birth, life and death of the Christ but it just wasn't enough.

You know, I don't think the Devil gets too worried when we go to church. I am sure he would rather we didn't but how many times have you been to church and your mind been a million miles away?

What about Bible-reading? Important, yes, but still I don't think Satan gets too concerned when we read scripture. I am probably not the only one who gets lost and confused by the words, old-timey customs and meaning of some of the stories in the Bible.

But I know what does scare the Devil. It is something I believe one cannot do half-hearted and do it right. That's the problem. Unlike going to church and reading my Bible, I find it impossible to truly pray and do anything else. Sure I pray when I am driving or at work and I pray before meals and I pray lots of "God help me" prayers but when I really pray, whether it's on my knees or walking around or sitting in a chair, it doesn't matter, I really have to concentrate and that is the part that I know scares Satan more than anything. Not because I am thinking it or because I am sincere or anything that I do or don't do.

James 5:16 says that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. I love that verse. The first time I read it I thought "Well, now if I could just find a righteous man!" but I realized that God, because of what His son Jesus did, considers me to be righteous! So my prayers are more than sweet words meant to comfort myself and others. They are a powerful tool. The King James version uses the word "fervent prayer" and when I researched further that word "fervent" has the same meaning as a horse jumping over a fence or a baseball player stretched out to catch a ball. It takes some effort but the rewards are huge.

My Dad told me one time that he asked my Grandfather about how prayer works. My grandfather said he didn't know how prayer worked but he knew it did. That's interesting to me for several reasons. Both Godly men, both very smart and well-educated and both proving time after time their belief in something they did not know much about. That makes me feel better to know I am not the only one who does not understand prayer but it also concerns me. You see, I know upon reflection that the thing that was missing this Christmas for me was not something under the tree or on the dinner table but my own fervent prayer to the reason for this season. So, how was your Christmas?

The Eagles Ain't Country

OK, so what's the big deal with these guys? Have they just been around long enough that they have good connections? Is there a cult following underground somewhere? The Eagles were on the Country Music Awards the other day with Vince Gill gushing all over them like a chubby little schoolboy. They were singing their latest single about well...I don't know what it was about but the song held no attraction for me nor did the band. Now I'm not against the Eagles. They were good back in the day. Back in the 70's. I can appreciate Hotel California as much as the next guy. It's just that they aren't country. Vince Gill supposedly said the Eagles have done more for country music than Ernest Tubb. Exactly what have the Eagles ever done for country music Vince, you deep dish has-been? Get off the crack pipe and go buy a George Strait cd or Brooks and Dunn or Allan Jackson-all of whom were at this award show--not to mention the Tubbs, Waggoners, Williams and Cashs who are turning over in their graves thinking about the state of country music.

It could have been worse!

I heard Barbara Streisand once and thought I was going to die.

http://wcbstv.com/watercooler/gunsnroses.scares.teacher.2.610016.html

Why men are happier...

I never forward emails but this is pretty good. Ever since I was a little boy I have been glad to be male.

Your last name stays put.The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves.Chocolate is just another snack.You can be President.You can never be pregnant.You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.You can wear NO shirt to a water park.Car mechanics tell you the truth.You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character. Graying hair adds attraction.Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.You know stuff about tanks.A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.No wonder men are happier.

Senator Joe Biden

Senator Biden, how many times a day...is that a...What is that on your fingertip?

Terrorists are funny!

http://www.imao.us/archives/cat_lolterizt.html

Mike Huckabee

Hey, Mike, how many times a day do you and your friends read this blog?! Also, what is the chance in a million that you will get the Republican nomination?!

How offensive!

As most know by now, Gillian Gibbons, a volunteer schoolteacher in Sudan, was sentenced to jail but pardoned today for the crime of letting her seven year old students name the class teddy bear "Mohammed". Evidently the "real" Mohammed was offended by this and many of his followers wanted Gibbons to die for the crime. I am shocked at her lack of political correctness as is my dog Bohammed.