Monday, December 21, 2009


The death of a dog may not compare to the death of a human and I will not minimize your human loss in the least but, as I told someone today, I learned more about love and loss from JD than from most any person I've ever known. He has been gone five years today and I still hope to someday be the man of character that he was.

Would you rather have this or Easter bunny boy?

There's gotta be a caption in there somewhere...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm unwanted.

Good news from the forsaken desert of Mormon delight that is Utah! I called the court today to check on the status of my arrest warrant and evidently my letter to the judge worked. I am officially no longer a fugitive. My bandit days of glory are over and now I have to readjust to normal life no longer in fear of every siren or flashing light. Hopefully, I can continue this life on the straight and narrow but there are no guarantees. The illicit high of living on the edge of right and wrong is calling me back to the life I was born to lead. Danger and scandal are in my blood. I'm a highwayman with a black Shadow and I'm born to run. Just not to Utah.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I need a scam.

Years and years ago I worked for a guy who was a pretty good business man. In fact, his business continues to grow and thrive even today. I remember talking to him one time about how it seemed to me that everybody had some kind of scam going on. Everybody seemed to have something shady but lucrative going on and I was thinking out loud to him one day about how crazy it seemed to me that people worked so hard to try to make a few extra bucks by trying to rip somebody else off.

He heartily agreed with me that if people would just put as much effort into legitimate ventures that everybody would be so much better off. We seemed to be of the exact same mind about the detriment to everybody involved when it came to illegal, immoral or even under-handed dealings with people and that we could hardly stand people who were "scammers". In the next breath he went on to tell me that the "only thing" he had going on was this complicated scheme he had been doing with his federal taxes and maybe a few minor kickbacks to some local movers and shakers. You know. That's all.

I look back and realize that was my first step into Crazytown. It is the ultimate naivete to think you are not naive. I have at last come to the realization that I am the only one left in the world not trying to pull something over on somebody else and I'm tired of it. I want in! I hope all the good scams aren't gone yet. I am actually a big fan of a good scam. In fact, I hate to admit it but evidently Al Gore is a smoking genius! I mean look at this whole climate change deal. We first heard it called "global warming" and when that title failed to fit he just called it something else and said it was now even worse. Now the only way I can prevent polar bears from drowning and kids in Somalia from starving is to pay money. Genius!

Hitler once said that if you tell a big enough lie enough times that pretty soon people will believe you. So I'm working on my scam but don't worry, it's going to be big. Well, maybe not "climate change" big or "Obamacare" big but still pretty big. I need something, though, that will be as big or bigger than my previous boss or even the boss I have now, who's scam is to make everybody feel bad so she feels good. It's even working out pretty well for her and she's no smarter than I am. So, this is just a warning. Be careful around me because I could be using you in some way for my profit. It could happen! Oh, wait...maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Dangit! I already messed up! Nevermind.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

A great addition to a classic!

I rarely even add any comments to the comments about anything I post much less post a comment as a post. Make sense? But I have to make an exception here with a comment from my last post about being a lonesome fugitive. I enjoy reading any comment a reader has to make but this anonymous reader evidently had enough time on his hands to write a few new verses to a good old Merle Haggard / Willie Nelson tune and, I have to admit, would make them proud with it. Now, if you don't know the tune to "Pancho and Lefty" then get off my blog! Go read that Daily Kos guy or Perez Hilton or something, you communist, puppy-killing, scumbag! Anyhow, it's too bad, DR, that it will have to stay anonymous and nobody will ever know what geezy riding, cb-talking, Shakespeare-referencing, Latin-speaking, long story-telling loyal reader ever wrote this. Yep, too bad. Oh, well. So...just in case you missed it go back to the comments section of the last post. Merle and Willie and I recommend it.

Monday, December 07, 2009

I'm a lonesome fugitive.

I knew this double life would catch up to me sooner or later. I just hate for it to end like this. I'm a wanted man now. An outlaw. A desperado with a checkered past and now I'm on the run. Don't try to stop me and I can't take you with me. It's too dangerous for you and you would only slow me down. It has to be like this so be strong.

I just got a letter in the mail from Justice Court of Uintah County, State of Utah. It is a warrant for my arrest commanding all peace officers in the state of Utah to attach my body (whatever that means) before the court asap. To be served day or night, Sunday or holidays. Evidently, that terminology is only used for the really hardened criminals like myself who are convicted of the crime of...wait for'll love it...wait for it..."improper lane travel w/ crash". Yep! They gave me a ticket for crashing my motorcycle in their state.

My last memory was riding down the road, no alcohol or excessive speed involved, and then waking up in the hospital. I still don't know who found me as I was unconcious for several hours and when I woke up in the hospital there was a traffic ticket literally stuck in my pocket! So, evidently, the state trooper who was first on the scene took my gun from my possesion and replaced it with a ticket for not signaling that I was about to crash. He crammed a ticket into the front pocket of my lifeless body and then drove home with my pistol!

So, let this be a lesson to you, kids. Make sure your lane travel w/ crash is proper or at least don't do it improperly in Uintah County Utah because now I must be moving on. They'll never catch me alive because I can't go back to the Mormon Big House, you hear me?! I can't. It's a life of the bandit wanderer for me now, always one step ahead of the law. I looked for trouble and I found it, son, straight down the barrel of a lawman's gun... oh, wait, that's my gun!

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Santa 09

My second year to be Santa for some special needs kids and I had a blast! Look at all the candy canes in her hand. This was the second time she came to see me and said she had six more siblings that needed candy canes. I would have given her the whole bag of candy canes if she wanted!

Friday, December 04, 2009

The Symphony

I saw both ends of the spectrum today. I had to go to the Walmarts (my wife says I should quit calling it that) and I saw a perfect mullet, a woman in total camo from her pants to her shirt to her cap, and one of the fattest people I have ever seen. In the time it took me to get some medicine and get out of there I felt I lost about 50 IQ points. This evening, though, was just the opposite. My sister invited some of the family to go to the symphony and we had a great time. We all got dressed up and I acted like I was not a brain-dead redneck long enough to feel some brain cells almost come back to life. I'm sorry the picture is not better but it shows how close we were to the orchestra. I could have read the music, well...if I could read music. Wow! The sound was incredible! The musicians were incredibly talented and we had front-row seats to see and hear as well or better than the conductor himself. I went to their website and the first chair violinist plays a 1710 Stradivari worth millions of dollars. I can't even comprehend that! Do you know how much camo you could buy with that kinda money?

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Could it be?

It's very rare that I even try to predict anything and even rarer when I'm right about something . Ok, this is the first time but I would say it's a pretty big deal! I don't want to...actually, I do want to tell you that I told you so. Global warming is a complete and total hoax.