Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Jihad for Jesus!

By now you surely have heard the blasphemy. Titanic director James Cameron has produced a documentary that he says will rock the foundation of Christianity. You can read the whole article here about how he has supposedly found the coffin of Jesus Christ. I want all the world to know that this pack of lies will not go unpunished. This is a direct insult to Christians the world over by saying that, in essence, Jesus was not resurrected. This is easily refuted in Don Dodson's excellent blog that you can read at this link but the insult remains! I, for one, will not tolerate this disrespect and now call on all good Christians to stand up and protest! I will not go to work tomorrow so I can join the outcry in the streets of our towns and villages calling on the immediate death of James Cameron! In fact, I will not rest until the whole Cameron family has been removed from this living world! James Cameron! Kirk Cameron! Cameron Diaz! Cameron University! Death to them all! Join me in the streets tomorrow as we burn them in effigy! Give me a few minutes to go to the effigy store and I will lead the crusade jumping up and down chanting a phrase that doesn't make any sense! We will not be dissed!!

Saturday, February 17, 2007


It is so refreshing to see Britney Spears making some wise choices finally. Obviously, only one day in rehab was all she needed to start turning her life around beginning with adopting my own sensible haircut!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I'm in it to win it!

One of the greatest things that we as Americans have today is the freedom to make our voices heard, the freedom to stand up and be counted with the scores of American men, women and children who have sacrificed so that our vote and our voice will not fall on deaf ears. That very ideal is the defining quality that sets our country apart from every other country on the planet and is why I feel honored to live here and humbled to make this announcement today. I would have you to know in your heart of hearts that I do not take for granted the rights and liberties that come with citizenship in the United States nor the responsibility that comes with it. That is why today I feel it is my resposibility as a citizen and a patriot that has heard your voice to announce my candidacy for President of the United States!

I do not make this decision lightly. After organizing a small exploratory committee and giving them both a dog bone, Bo and Sara both agree that I am the best person to lead this country on a new, unleashed journey to transform this nation in a new generation. I understand the need for an Independant Republican candidate to be able to espouse the views and issues that concern mainstream America in a simple and easy to understand manner or fiord. I hope to make a more hopeful America, one that hopes against hope for the hope that Americans have hoped for for thousands of years and I hope to be the man who brings that hope back to hopeful Americans. I appreciate your support and I look forward to going back to our roots as I address the major issues that have come before us and have backed this great nation down from it's height as a forward-looking super-power.

The two biggest issues that I will face as President will, in my opinion, be the war on terror and illegal immigration. I have a plenary plan to place at the plantarie of placating people all over the planet that will solve both perplexities. For years, we as Americans have tried to put a band-aid on the broken leg of illegal immigration by trying to physically stop people from crossing the border when what they need is the mental and financial persuasion to make them stay where they are. Mexico is the fourth richest country in the world with export amounts of oil second only to Middle-Eastern countries and produce export amounts behind only the United States. The problem is and always has been governmental corruption that steals the resources and motivation from its citizens by taxes and tariffs that line the pockets of government officials and especially President Vicente Fox. Mexico's underfunded, unmotivated army is in shambles and would be no more than a speedbump to the Army of the United States which has always been the policeman for the world community. The win-win situation would be to merge the two countries with control resting with the United States government. This would completely and finally solve the immigration problem. With the increase in revenue and decrease in liabilities this would free up billions of dollars that could be used for a massive troop surge into the Middle East. In fact, since nothing ever newsworthy ever comes out of Canada we could secede them as well and as the new United States of Amexada we could become the kings of the world like we are entitled to become.

As President, there are other vital issues to address such as the pandemic of Bird Flu and Mad Cow Disease. Never again will these diseases kill another American! And since no American has yet been killed by either of these horrible diseases that just shows that my plan is working and will continue to work with your help. This will be a long, difficult battle and Americans need to ready themselves for tough times in the days ahead but I have faith in the American people as overcomers.

Global warming is not just an American problem but as the name suggests is a global problem and as such will require a global effort to reverse. Our world has never seen a potential disaster of this magnitude and, if elected, I have a plan to deal with it. All scientists agree that the earth is getting warmer. In fact, in the past one hundred years the temperature has increased seven-tenths of one degree and at this rate my great, great, great, great children will have to leave their air conditioners on longer and that is a price I am not willing to leave for future generations to pay. We have all seen the pictures of the polar bears trapped on the melting icebergs. How many more polar bears have to float off before we decide to make some changes?! My administration will be the administration of change and we look forward to tackling global warming by taking the extremes of nature and using them for our benefit. My committe has released its findings on this and what became obvious is that global warming is significantly reduced in winter and significantly higher in the summer months. It also shows that the warming is more pronounced in the southern regions as opposed to northern where it stays colder a lot longer. My plan will be to take the massive ice and snow build-ups in the far north and spread it out over the southern parts of the country creating a cooling effect to counterbalance the effects of global warming. This is also my employment plan as it will require massive amounts of manpower that will obviously benefit the unemployed by giving even unskilled workers jobs.

Many of you have asked about my plan for health care and I am excited to now reveal it on this exciting web site. All Americans, regardless of age, income or nationality, deserve quality health care at an affordable price and with my plan we can all have it and not just affordably but completely free. There are even two options from which to choose. Option number one is to be included in a totally free health plan that the only time you have to pay any money is after you see the doctor of your choice you would pay a tax of equal to or no less than 100% of the bill the doctor issues. This is an exciting new way of providing health care to the less fortuunate by assuring that only those with the need to see a doctor are actually paying the taxes. You only pay for what you use. My second option is what I like to call the Blair-Witch plan. You can choose to opt out of the medical tax all together if you see a certified witch doctor as witch doctors usually only take payment in farm animals or blood. So obviously either choice will save Americans money in the long run and that is one of my main platforms on which I am running this race.

This is a very exciting time for me and my family as I press toward my lifelong goal of becoming the leader of the greatest and most powerful nation on the planet but I cannot do it without you. I have many more ideas that I am anxious to share but I need your help. I know that it will take resources (money) and commitment (future money) from all of us but I am hoping that most of it comes from the citizens of these United States who I hope to represent. I pray that you will join me in my fight to further liberty and that you will stand beside me as we shout with one voice the slogan of this campaign, "Todd! He makes as much sense as anybody else"! I am excited about this slogan as it is considerably better than the Democrats slogan which is "Hey, I'm not Bush"!