Thursday, June 26, 2008

Why NRA?

I try to be open-minded. I don't want to be so open-minded that I lose my brain and some things I think are worth sticking to your guns about (some pun intended) so I'm looking into joining the National Rifle Association. Yes, Don (both of you), I am thinking about it. The motivation climaxed this morning with the news of the Supreme Court doing the right thing by upholding the Second Amendment in Washington D.C. and I realized just how fragile our gun rights are. In deep reflection, I think my stubbornness to avoid the NRA comes from an idealistic view of the world where we should not have to lobby for automatic weapons and grenade launchers just to counter the other side who are lobbying for us to lose our right to keep and bear arms all together. In my naive world, there is a middle ground that is obvious to everybody and the NRA is not really necessary. Maybe I have been wrong. Maybe I have changed and the world has changed and maybe the NRA has changed. I'm willing to at least be that open-minded and check it out. I'll let ya know.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Why Obama?

I have a question. I don't want to be racist. I'm not racist. I have no reason to be racist. One's skin color makes no more difference to me than one's eye color. The question is: would the black people who are voting for Obama vote for him if he were not half black?

Where's the controversy?

Sounds like a pretty easy decision if you read the 2nd Amendment.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Obama Idol

Ooh! That monkey god will look great on the mantle of the Oval Office!

Read the 5th paragraph!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I don't know what to say...

I'm not usually a big fan of polls but this one intrigues me. 21% of Atheists believe in God? What...? How...? I don't underst...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I hate it when this happens...

Five sentences does not do this situation justice. For starters, I don't know what a "low-rise v-string" is but the heading calls it a thong. Do thongs usually have "decorative metallic pieces"? Is this a thong or a chastity belt? And just how much pressure was this underwear under? I have a vision of a can of biscuits popping open. Also, how could it possibly hit her in the eye? Is she putting them over the right part of her body? Finally, at 52 years of age shouldn't she just stick to grannie panties? Probably safer for everyone.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Good News!

Good news for all of us who want to marry outside the traditional bounds of marrriage! The California Supreme Court dropped the ban on same-sex marriage the other day so how much longer until I'm finally going to be able to marry the loves of my life? Since marriage no longer really means marriage and it now just means the union of loving individuals I figure that soon I should be able to marry the individuals that I love. I mean, if two people of the same sex can marry, why not three people? And if three people could get married, why not a person and a non-person? Let's just throw the stinkin' doors wide smooth open and let's just say anybody can marry anything! What's the difference?

If all you want is whatever benefits that come with saying you're married and you don't mind watering the institution down to whatever justifies your lifestyle, then I'm gonna marry my dogs! How about that? I guarantee that we love each other and have a loyal commitment to each other. What else do you need? If something happens to me I want my dogs to be provided for so what better way than to mutilate a holy instituion? I can't help that I love dogs. I've known that I love dogs since I was a little boy. I was born that way. Now I can finally prove with a piece of paper that I'm not wrong for loving dogs. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with Bo, Sara, and Dori in loving matrimony as soon as California or maybe Massachusetts makes it legal. Don't worry, I'll send you an invitation.

Friday, June 13, 2008


Ok, I know I have vented about radio and TV commercials before and I still believe that they are a direct curse from Satan himself but I have an idea. I'm not usually a fan of the "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" motto but I'm pretty sure I could do that job. I mean, how hard could it be to make a commercial? They obviously are making somebody some money because if they weren't they would quit making them and I could watch The Simpsons in peace. But since we can't collect taxes like they used to in Bible days and I have yet to make anything close to my first million doing it legally, I'm thinking of a career change.

I have a couple of hurdles to get over before I can start doing commercials for a living though. First, I'm not very smart. Let's be real honest with each other here. Brain surgeon I ain't. But that in itself is not the real problem. The problem is that not being very smart, I always want to do things that don't work very well. There are lots of illustrations of that but those are stories for a different day. Anyhow, my thinking is that if I were doing commercials I would want to do them completely different. Call me crazy but I think a quality product would sell best if you plainly and without drama laid out the features and the benefits of the product in an honest and succinct way. I would not scream or use guys dressed like cowboys anymore to sell anything ever again. But that obviously wouldn't work or somebody would do it that way already, I'm sure.

This leads to my second hurdle and that is that I have morals. I think that probably disqualifies me from advertising and surely from law or politics but in my commercial-making world honesty would be the best policy. If you can't advertise the absolute truth, here's a thought: don't bring it up. You don't have to lie or even exaggerate about the benefits of a product. Don't say something is the greatest in the world or is recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors if you can't back it up. Be creative enough to honestly tell me why this product or service would be good for me and then shut up. If you can't then don't advertise it. In fact, make a better product and then tell me about it. How about that?

I think one of the easiest commercials to make would be a perfume or cologne commercial. There's no real good way of presenting the benefits of perfume except to say "It smells real good!" So, advertising people just get some model to walk around and you just have to use your imagination that she smells good. Sounds pretty easy to produce that one. The hardest part would be finding a model. Where do you go for perfume models? And if you want to really test your creativity, sell perfume on a radio commercial. Even I could model perfume on the radio! All you basically have to say is, "I smell better than you. Buy my cologne".

So, while my feelings for commercials haven't changed - I still hate them with the white hot passion of a thousand bottles of new and improved Tabasco - I would like to give it a try just for the money. Is that so stupid? I think I could make money and still be honest. Truth in advertising will alway win out. In fact, 60 % of the works every time! Or your money back!!!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Fishing Monkeys

Yes, but will they bait their own hook?

Don't they know that river is "catch and release" only?

It's really neat to watch them drive their little boat out to the "honey hole".

If a fish gets away the monkeys actually throw their own poo at it.

If a monkey is too drunk to fish... he may be a redneck.

Sunday, June 08, 2008


Just got back from the water park in New Braunfels called Schlitterbahn. I realized a couple of things in my time there: First, I obviously don't have near enough tattoos and also, no matter how fat, ugly and freaky you are, there is always somebody fatter, uglier and freakier than you and they are wearing less clothes.

What is he saying to her?

I know it might be difficult for some of you, but please keep your comments at least PG-13.
Here's a couple to get you started:
You don't smell anything like what Rev. Wright said!
Wow, your skin is almost as smooth as John Edwards'!