Wednesday, December 29, 2010

That whole "sand through the hour glass" thing...

I had just one more reminder that I'm getting old today.  It actually didn't hit me until lunch was over.  I ate at the food court of the mall today with two friends I hadn't seen in years but were in town to visit for Christmas.  There was a lot of " I remember when..." stuff usually followed by something stupid we had done I wish they would forget.  One of them is a high-falutin' military officer working in the Pentagon and the other is now a high school math teacher in Austin.

Just walking into the mall and especially the food court is enough to make me feel old when I looked around at the kids busy eating some junk with one hand and texting the person across the table with the other.  I won't even talk about what they were wearing for fear of sounding as old as I now feel.  I honestly wouldn't have believed any of the three of us would ever have survived this long in as relatively good shape as we are.  That's not to say that time has been good to any of us. 

As I walked back to through the parking lot to my vehicle still chuckling about some of the things we talked about I realized something.  Nobody would consider any of us sissies and yet the one thing that would always bring the conversation down was when one of us would say something about our ex-wives.  All three of us had been through a lot over the years;  we talked about being places we shouldn't have or doing things that should have killed us and the only thing any of us seemed to really regret was getting married.  Hmm...

Monday, December 27, 2010

Nobody wants to see that anyway.

Interesting article here about taking pictures during the birth of a child.  The most interesting thing about it is the person interviewed who said they wanted to film their 8th child just like all the rest.  Look, Laurie Shifler, #1, nobody wants to see that happening down there.  My cousin video'd hers and I nearly threw up.  #2, At that point all babies look exactly alike.  Nasty little shriveled up and wet, red and wrinkled.  Just use the same pics for #8 as you did for #7.  Who's gonna know?  #3, It's your private parts, not a clown car.  Quit having kids!  You're not going to discipline them properly and taxpayers can't afford to feed them.

I know her!

Her name is Dorky Carter.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Twisted Christmas!

Phillipians 1:18 says, "But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice."

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Merry Christmas you &*^&%$! jerk!

Evidently saying "Merry Christmas" is starting to cause problems.  We are all aware of the grinch companies who forbid their employees from saying the term for fear of insulting people.  What I am seeing now is people walking around with a chip on their shoulders just waiting and daring someone to say "Happy Holidays" to them.

"No!  No way!  It's MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!", they say with a self-righteous scowl.

Is that really in the spirit of celebrating the birth of Jesus?  Sure, we would prefer people to worship who we do and how we do it and do it for the right reason but sending good wishes with your mouth followed by daggers from your eyes is not making a very good case.  So relax out there and don't get your Christmas panties in a wad if somebody doesn't say the right greeting.  We are still celebrating Christmas no matter what they call it.

Silly Chinese

Doesn't he know not to wear black socks with a Speedo?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

And you're out of your mind.

Whoever Jess Hart is, she has some words of advice for men everywhere.  I don't know who she is and have never seen her before and doubt that I ever will but if, as in her scenario, I were to see her in a bar I actually would walk up to her and ask her politely to bring me another drink.  And honey, the money I tip you with should go toward fixing that truck-sized gap in your big mouth.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I need a tissue.

You know what harms my emotional well-being?  Listening to some jack-wagon complain about how Christmas trees upset Buddhists!

She's more out of touch than we thought.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano (Big Sis) has slipped off the slippery slope of reality and has headed fat-face first to La-La Land.  She's been playing around the edge with her mandates to TSA employees making them all perverts with "enhanced pat-downs" and now she evidently feels that part of her job protecting the nation from terrorists involves battling global warming.

The pat-downs have been talked about ad nauseum and you all know how I feel about the hoax that is global warming.  Evidently securing the borders was too big of a job for a woman and she needed something to do to justify her job so now she goes after whatever she can make up - literally.  I just hope she doesn't shoot down Santa Claus.

Friday, December 10, 2010

My version of what happened

I've seen it happen a hundred times.  I'm sure it was the old man's fault.  Crotchety old goat.  You may have seen this on the news about the man in Michigan who was hit by the Burger King employee and died.  Read it here if you want but I'll fill in the blanks as to what actually happened.

--67 year old man walks in the front door of the BK:  "Can I help you, sir?"

"It's too &^%$ cold out there!"

"Yes, sir.  It is Michigan in the winter.  What can I get for you?"

"It didn't used to be this cold when I was younger", he says as he ties up the line in front of several customers.  "I remember the winter of  '08.  I was a teenager and was working on my Daddy's farm..."

"Do you need something to eat, sir?"


"Will this be for here or to go?"

"What did you say?"

Louder:  "For here or to go, sir?"

His jaws finally close enough for him to utter, "Uhh..." and then stand there looking at the board over the employees head like it was written in pig latin.

"Do you have hamburgers?"


"What kind of burgers do you have?"

"Sir?  Well...I mean...seriously?  They are all on the menu.  Do you need help with them?"

"Help?  I don't need your help, punk!  I was fighting in Viet Nam before you were a twinkle in your Daddy's eye, cheesebrain.  "Help"!  I didn't need your help when I was getting my elbows shot off in the DMZ in 69, did I?  Why you little..."

Employee ducks and says, "Have it your way, old man!"