Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Summary for the week so far...

I've always known I wasn't the smartest guy around...In fact, I had pretty much convinced myself I would rather be funny than smart...but sometimes I just wish smart would show up...I mean it would be nice to be at least one of the two.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Bad day for somebody...

Pretty sure somebody lost their job today. This is a trailer house sitting upside down on the side of the road. As far as I know, Obama did not cause this job loss.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ears to You

I finally got the perfect idea for making some money. There's no overhead. No start-up costs. No franchise fees or dues to pay. I got this idea at work today as I tried to talk to an older woman on the phone about her taxes. I say "I tried" because she wound up doing most of the talking. I don't know how or why but she talked about everything she could think of. I tried to explain what she owed and she talked about the weather. I mentioned what would happen if she didn't pay her taxes and she said she didn't like Obama. I soon realized that this poor little old lady just needed someone to talk to.

That's when it hit me. I'm getting paid to listen to some old bat talk about whatever she wants. This is obviously a niche that needs to be filled and I'm just the man to do it. Sure, it drives me crazy when I'm trying to explain something important but what if that was what I was there for? Why not? I could be a professional listener. Obviously there are alot of people in this world who just need someone to talk to. I know because I try to talk to them all the time. You know who I'm talking about. You don't go visit your elderly aunt or the neighbor across the street because you know they will never let you go. I'm going to solve everybody's problems with that.

The pricing schedule has yet to be finalized but I think some people will pay pretty good money to have me sit in their living room or at their office and just say, "Uh-huh" and "really?" and the ever-popular, "tell me more". As long as you're paying I'm listening. Just ask "why is that?" or "when did that happen?" and before you know it...ka-ching baby! It's a job even I am smart enough to do. Just keep my mouth shut and ears open. Not a bad skill for everyone to learn but I'll cash in on the folks who never have.

Also, the other aspect of my services could include (for those who need just the opposite) telling my own stories. I have a million of those and for a small fee (smaller than listening to yours) I could share them with your shut-in neighbor who just needs some company. Now this would be cheaper than listening but as soon as I finish and you start to tell me your story the price goes right back up. That's the way it goes. Everybody thinks their stories are better so be prepared to pay for it. Quality listening doesn't come cheap and you get what you pay for.

So, I think at least a dollar a minute would be fair. Maybe a travel reimbursement will be included and tipping is accepted when appropriate. Democrats are extra. We can swap referrals. Nobody wants to converse with an axe-murderer. Anyway, I think it's a good deal for everybody. Goodness knows some people need it! So, tell your friends...if you can get a word in edge-wise.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Today's quote

We cannot at one and the same time show that we are clever and that Christ is wonderful.

--James Denney

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Some useful info...

I am an extremely laid-back kinda guy. I rarely ever get mad. It's even more rare that I show it and I have been in only a few real fights in my life. Maybe someday I'll share some of those stories but not today. It is probably a good thing that I don't get mad easy 'cuz Hulk Hogan I ain't. More like Colonel Hogan or Ben Hogan maybe but not Hulk. Anyway, if you want to stay out of my blazing rage, I have three rules for you:

1) Never touch me. At all. Seriously. My wife and maybe a very few select family members can touch me without me taking it as a threat. Some situations are better than others (like church) but as a general rule, just don't touch me.

2) Don't point your finger at me. If you are picking me to win a prize and point and say my name in a friendly way then we have no problem but if you have a problem with me and wag your finger at me I'm going to take that as a threat. You have made it clear to me that you want to fight. Even worse is a finger poke in the chest. You leave me no choice but to physically convince you not to do that.

3) Raising your voice in anger is how non-adults start fights and I'm just childish enough to retaliate physically. Don't yell at me. We can resolve any conflict with our inside voices. If you scream at me I have to assume you want to go to Fist City and I'll lead us there.

That's it. Up to a point you can do almost anything without making me very mad. Calling me names doesn't really bother me. You really have to purposefully do me wrong to make me want to fight. Even then, I'm not the biggest or toughest guy on the block but I will give you one more hint: I AM armed. Have a great day!