Wednesday, May 28, 2008

My other car...

If gas prices continue to go up, I may have to trade my car for a bike.

Monday, May 26, 2008


'Ello and welcome to de Kwicky Mart!

Stop! In the name of thermonuclear global suicide bomber love!

No, please. It is offensive to call me a raghead. It is actually a small sheet. I prefer "sheethead".

5 times I come to dis barber and you always cut wrong hair! Now am forced to put this on head.

You won't believe it! I found 5 ticks in this beard yesterday.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth that I make up out of my warped brain and swear comes from the mouth of Allah.

Hey, y'all! Check out my new watch band!

I got great deal on new camo jacket! Five finger discount!

Ooh! Can somebody bring me some toilet paper, please?

For the last time, It's Osama, not Obama! That's just mean!

Good day for a memorial

Retired Army Colonel Jack H. Jacobs' story is just one of many that again make me proud to be an American. One has to wonder how many other times, in other places and other battlefields this kind of heroism was evidenced but never rewarded. To me, it is heroic to sign up to be a soldier and I can never voice my thanks or show my appreciation enough to all those who have. Today, though, on this Memorial Day, I want to highlight just one of those brave men. This will not do justice to his or the others' service but it is written with my most sincere gratitude. So, enjoy the day, eat some watermelon and go play at the lake but if you are able to do these things thank a veteran.

Medal of Honor citation
For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity in action at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty. Capt. Jacobs (then 1st Lt.), Infantry, distinguished himself while serving as assistant battalion advisor, 2d Battalion, 16th Infantry, 9th Infantry Division, Army of the Republic of Vietnam. The 2d Battalion was advancing to contact when it came under intense heavy machine gun and mortar fire from a Viet Cong battalion positioned in well fortified bunkers. As the 2d Battalion deployed into attack formation its advance was halted by devastating fire. Capt. Jacobs, with the command element of the lead company, called for and directed air strikes on the enemy positions to facilitate a renewed attack. Due to the intensity of the enemy fire and heavy casualties to the command group, including the company commander, the attack stopped and the friendly troops became disorganized. Although wounded by mortar fragments, Capt. Jacobs assumed command of the allied company, ordered a withdrawal from the exposed position and established a defensive perimeter. Despite profuse bleeding from head wounds which impaired his vision, Capt. Jacobs, with complete disregard for his safety, returned under intense fire to evacuate a seriously wounded advisor to the safety of a wooded area where he administered lifesaving first aid. He then returned through heavy automatic weapons fire to evacuate the wounded company commander. Capt. Jacobs made repeated trips across the fire-swept open rice paddies evacuating wounded and their weapons. On 3 separate occasions, Capt. Jacobs contacted and drove off Viet Cong squads who were searching for allied wounded and weapons, single-handedly killing 3 and wounding several others. His gallant actions and extraordinary heroism saved the lives of 1 U.S. advisor and 13 allied soldiers. Through his effort the allied company was restored to an effective fighting unit and prevented defeat of the friendly forces by a strong and determined enemy. Capt. Jacobs, by his gallantry and bravery in action in the highest traditions of the military service, has reflected great credit upon himself, his unit, and the U.S. Army.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Witches' Lib

Having been concerned for some time now that I am not reaching a large section of the female population with my writing, I have come to the conclusion that they are sincerely missing out. I see two options to attract more women to this site: I could write long, breath-taking articles on the benefit of pumps versus flats and where to find mascara that matches your skin tone or I could articulate my thoughts on the burning of witches.

The subject of witch burning has been controversial since at least the 1692 Salem witch trials but I am here to let women of all streams of society know that I am, as a rule, against the burning of witches. This will be good news to my High School math teacher, the lady who used to live across the street and two ex-girlfriends. I have come to realize that witchcraft is hard to prove in court and that even hardened witches can sometimes be rehabilitated.

The problem with burning witches is that it takes a lot of room and can be very messy. My neighborhood also has a burn ban in place and that much firewood is getting expensive. So, in the interest of practicality and, of course, witches' rights, I propose that when a woman is proven to be a witch she should be sentenced to a lifetime of pant suits and at least one failed run at the Presidency. You're welcome, ladies. You can go back to cooking dinner now.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Good news for zombies!

I didn't know the Vatican had it's own newspaper or observatory but evidently they have that kind of time and money. Just this week the chief observatory guy gave an interview to the newspaper guy saying he was fine with believing in ET's since he basically has no real faith or something to that effect. This corresponds to the announcement made by the head of the Vatican Voodoo department saying Zombies will now be allowed into the priesthood since they are the reanimated corpses of God's creatures.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Wright opinion

I don't have to tell you that this is probably not the place to come for in-depth, analytical, well-thought out, helpful problem-solving or even theorizing. A philosopher, I ain't. Read Socrates or Don Dodson if you want stuff like that. In fact, forget Socrates. Don is smarter just not quite as well published. But I do have my opinions and as much as it sounds like a whiney little punk, I do have my feelings. I'm sure I have had my feelings hurt in the past but I can't really remember when. I'm just not that way. But I had my feelings hurt today and now I'm ticked!

There are lots of other places to go to actually learn about the whole Pastor Jeremiah Wright / Obama controversy but all I can do is tell about how it affected me today. It affected me because I actually listened to nearly an hour of one of Wright's sermons today. You probably have heard the infamous "G** D*** America" line from one of his sermons but Wright says he was taken out of context in how he said it. He is a liar. I cannot imagine that kind of speech made in any kind of public forum but especially from behind a pulpit. I hesitate to even include those words with asterisks in this post and I sincerely apologize for the offensiveness here but imagine hearing those words unaltered and unashamedly from someone who calls themself a Christian or from anyone who claims to be an American! Who does he think he is?! What are the members of that church thinking? Wright has said some pretty crazy things but when those words came out of his mouth there should have been any number of people stand up and immediately put his back against a wall and inform him in no uncertain terms that speech like that against the nation where he lives WILL NOT be tolerated.

Race has nothing to do with it. Politics has nothing to do with it. I am hurt by his words as a Christian and an American and even if America is far from perfect I will not tolerate that kind of hate-filled language for the country that guarantees your right to express it. Reverend Wright, you don't have to love it but you also don't have to live here!


I have a question. I always mute TV commercials so I don't know what the women might be saying, but, has anybody's wife EVER seriously looked at her husband the way the women in the male enhancement ads look at their husbands?