Monday, May 26, 2008
'Ello and welcome to de Kwicky Mart!
Stop! In the name of thermonuclear global suicide bomber love!
No, please. It is offensive to call me a raghead. It is actually a small sheet. I prefer "sheethead".
5 times I come to dis barber and you always cut wrong hair! Now am forced to put this on head.
You won't believe it! I found 5 ticks in this beard yesterday.
I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth that I make up out of my warped brain and swear comes from the mouth of Allah.
Hey, y'all! Check out my new watch band!
I got great deal on new camo jacket! Five finger discount!
Ooh! Can somebody bring me some toilet paper, please?
For the last time, It's Osama, not Obama! That's just mean!
For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity in action at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty. Capt. Jacobs (then 1st Lt.), Infantry, distinguished himself while serving as assistant battalion advisor, 2d Battalion, 16th Infantry, 9th Infantry Division, Army of the Republic of Vietnam. The 2d Battalion was advancing to contact when it came under intense heavy machine gun and mortar fire from a Viet Cong battalion positioned in well fortified bunkers. As the 2d Battalion deployed into attack formation its advance was halted by devastating fire. Capt. Jacobs, with the command element of the lead company, called for and directed air strikes on the enemy positions to facilitate a renewed attack. Due to the intensity of the enemy fire and heavy casualties to the command group, including the company commander, the attack stopped and the friendly troops became disorganized. Although wounded by mortar fragments, Capt. Jacobs assumed command of the allied company, ordered a withdrawal from the exposed position and established a defensive perimeter. Despite profuse bleeding from head wounds which impaired his vision, Capt. Jacobs, with complete disregard for his safety, returned under intense fire to evacuate a seriously wounded advisor to the safety of a wooded area where he administered lifesaving first aid. He then returned through heavy automatic weapons fire to evacuate the wounded company commander. Capt. Jacobs made repeated trips across the fire-swept open rice paddies evacuating wounded and their weapons. On 3 separate occasions, Capt. Jacobs contacted and drove off Viet Cong squads who were searching for allied wounded and weapons, single-handedly killing 3 and wounding several others. His gallant actions and extraordinary heroism saved the lives of 1 U.S. advisor and 13 allied soldiers. Through his effort the allied company was restored to an effective fighting unit and prevented defeat of the friendly forces by a strong and determined enemy. Capt. Jacobs, by his gallantry and bravery in action in the highest traditions of the military service, has reflected great credit upon himself, his unit, and the U.S. Army.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The subject of witch burning has been controversial since at least the 1692 Salem witch trials but I am here to let women of all streams of society know that I am, as a rule, against the burning of witches. This will be good news to my High School math teacher, the lady who used to live across the street and two ex-girlfriends. I have come to realize that witchcraft is hard to prove in court and that even hardened witches can sometimes be rehabilitated.
The problem with burning witches is that it takes a lot of room and can be very messy. My neighborhood also has a burn ban in place and that much firewood is getting expensive. So, in the interest of practicality and, of course, witches' rights, I propose that when a woman is proven to be a witch she should be sentenced to a lifetime of pant suits and at least one failed run at the Presidency. You're welcome, ladies. You can go back to cooking dinner now.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Friday, May 02, 2008
There are lots of other places to go to actually learn about the whole Pastor Jeremiah Wright / Obama controversy but all I can do is tell about how it affected me today. It affected me because I actually listened to nearly an hour of one of Wright's sermons today. You probably have heard the infamous "G** D*** America" line from one of his sermons but Wright says he was taken out of context in how he said it. He is a liar. I cannot imagine that kind of speech made in any kind of public forum but especially from behind a pulpit. I hesitate to even include those words with asterisks in this post and I sincerely apologize for the offensiveness here but imagine hearing those words unaltered and unashamedly from someone who calls themself a Christian or from anyone who claims to be an American! Who does he think he is?! What are the members of that church thinking? Wright has said some pretty crazy things but when those words came out of his mouth there should have been any number of people stand up and immediately put his back against a wall and inform him in no uncertain terms that speech like that against the nation where he lives WILL NOT be tolerated.
Race has nothing to do with it. Politics has nothing to do with it. I am hurt by his words as a Christian and an American and even if America is far from perfect I will not tolerate that kind of hate-filled language for the country that guarantees your right to express it. Reverend Wright, you don't have to love it but you also don't have to live here!