My weekend

Just another weekend for me. How about you?

Storytime

A "Storytime" submission from an unnamed reader:

To appreciate this story you must first understand that I really like mustard. I like hot dogs or hamburgers with mustard, and deli sandwiches with dark stone-ground mustard, horseradish mustard, or Dijon mustard, the spicier the better.

Several years ago I was at a Church pool picnic with my wife and baby son. I held the baby on my left arm while I made a ham sandwich with lots of dark mustard. Then I conversed with some friends as I ate the sandwich. Half way through, I noticed that some of the mustard had dripped out of the sandwich onto my arm, and was dangerously close to getting onto the baby’s clothes. I didn’t have a napkin handy, or a free hand to use it, so I simply licked the mustard off my arm.

It was not mustard.

I had the presence of mind to hold on to the baby, but the sandwich was not so fortunate. It hit the dirt, and I quickly passed the baby to an unsuspecting bystander. I grabbed the closest glass of lemonade I could find, gulped some into my mouth, and spewed it into the grass. Then I grabbed my towel and did the shoe-shine buff on my tongue.

I made another sandwich and put mayonnaise on it.

Now that's a funny story! Classic! Just classic!

Gun talk

I went to the gun show yesterday with a few thousand of my closest friends and the main topic of conversation amongst us was "buy 'em now before Obama takes 'em away"! I thought it was a bit extreme and a bit early to be so worried and made no further purchases besides some ammo that I needed. Now I read this and I can't wait until the next show. I just have to decide which one (or two) I want.

Thank you, orbit again.

I am standing here beside myself with joy that Martians finally have a Kwik-E-Mart!

Olan Mills

"Hey, Neal, you wear the rainbow shirt", says Bob, "and I'll wear the one that has the 'Neal is my BFF' crest on it".

He's obviously compensating for something.

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev had to admit that the camo paint was a bit unnecessary.

And I thought my church was exciting!

You wanna know how I know they're gay? They have a Myspace page.

Thank you!

Storytime

--You just have to know how to handle it.--

My request was eagerly granted and my friend handed me the key. I went around to the left side and threw my leg over. Without me realizing it my heart pounded a little faster. My breathing quickened and sweat appeared on my un-helmited head. Smiling, I turned the key and the engine growled to life louder than I expected. I blipped the throttle a couple of times and tried to act cool but this was a strange feeling. I was almost parallel to the ground and it felt like all my weight was on my hands and wrists but there was no backing down now.

I gave it a respectable amount of gas and my head jerked back coming out of the driveway. As fast as I could shift I rocketed through the gears and down the street and jammed on the brakes just in time to keep from blowing through the intersection a couple of hundred yards from my house. I have no idea how fast I had gone. My mind barely had time to process that I had done it but I had somehow blown well past highway speeds and back to zero in just seconds. I put the bike in neutral at the stop sign and sat there. My brain is on fire. I'm laughing like a mad scientist and realize it but I can't stop. I want more! I'm a junkie with the need for speed and I have the needle pressed up against my arm and I'm about to hit the throttle and inject the adrenaline but my age and wisdom are telling me to stop. This is crazy! This thing should come with a matching casket and I know it but the need inside screams for more. It'll be ok! I want this. I need this! I deserve this! Just a little more...

Mark it down and tell my Mama that I did the right thing for once. Sweating but smiling, I eased the beast around the block very slowly and carefully and nosed it into my driveway. It was six hundred cc's of carbon fiber-wrapped crack without lights, mirrors, warning labels or anything else that would do anything but make it go fast and I grudgingly gave it back to the eighteen year old owner. I felt old for not airing it out and indulging my craving but at least I was still alive. I felt older when I heard myself say something about "too fast" to the rocket's owner. He said, "You just have to know how to handle it" and then commenced to show me what that meant.

Sixty seconds later when I was helping my young friend out of my neighbor's demolished bushes, my age and wisdom were not enough from keeping me from asking him about that statement.

Two Things

1) Things could be worse, I guess. At least it wasn't Hillary.

2) Is it too early to start campaining for Sarah Palin 2012?

Pathetic

The sad part is that she really believes it. Who does she think is going to pay for her gas and mortgage?

Civic duty

I got to vote today. I usually like to wait until the actual election day but I this time I just couldn't wait. I had to wait in line for about twenty minutes and this is going to sound a little corny but I was kind of glad to wait. As I stood there with my neighbors and peers, I thought about the people in Iraq who had to walk for miles and dodge mines and literally step over dead bodies to get to their polling places just for the priviledge of casting their vote. We take that priviledge for granted here and I felt like I should get my finger dipped in purple ink when I left just because I waited for a few minutes in the air conditioning.

When I got to the voting booth, I carefully studied the ballot and reviewed the candidates for President. I recalled all of the debates, the advertising and the stump speeches made by both candidates. I thought about the experience of both men and their promises to make America better. I mulled over the platforms of both and finally made my decision as I thought to myself, "Do I want to vote for killing babies or against killing babies"? Hmmm...Amongst all the other overwhelming reasons to vote for McCain (not that he is the perfect candidate) one has to look at this election in those terms.

Somebody at church told me the other day he had a fairly friendly but intense debate with another church member about Obama and McCain. How does that even turn into a debate between two Christians? I can see the Obama guy making his case and the McCain guy closing it up with one word: Abortion. Debate over, thank you.

What are people thinking? Look, if you want socialism and higher taxes and you don't care about winning any war or protecting babies or the Second Amendment and it doesn't bother you that even Joe Biden doesn't think Obama is qualified, then go for it. Vote Obama. If good character is not important and it obviously is not to Democrats who proved that with Bill Clinton, then by all means vote for Mr. Hope and Change. It obviously doesn't matter who the guy is friends with or what he has said or done or not done in the past. He's a good speaker and he's black. What else could you want? I'm just proud we get to vote. Let's hope it stays that way.

Somebody stole my Halloween!

It's nearly 8:00 pm and we have not had one trick or treater. No pirates. No jokers. No princesses (I have enough of those at my house any way!). What happened to Halloween? Did somebody call it off and nobody told me? Nobody even calls it Halloween anymore. Well, the churches don't call it Halloween, at least. They all have "Fall Festivals" or "Harvest Fests" or just "Trunk or Treats" How lame! When I was a kid our church had a spook house and a Halloween carnival. And we called it Halloween and nobody got sacrificed to Wicca or had any spell cast on them. Bring back my Halloween! Besides, what am I gonna do with all this candy?

Storytime

The year is 1981 and I am a freshman in high school. Could there be a more difficult time in a young man's life, I mean, as a rule? I was sitting at the lunch table with several friends when "she" walked in the lunchroom. "She" didn't know I existed but I knew who she was. Her name was Theresa and she was so hot! All the other girls hated her. You know, that kinda hot. Everybody knew that she was dating a senior and had been for awhile. I had a conversation with her one time when we almost bumped into each other in the hallway. "Oh, excuse me", I said. "Sorry", said she. Yep, that was it. I was just glad I didn't screw that much up. And we nearly made eye contact so that was good!

When she walked into the lunchroom that day I made the mistake of admiring her beauty out loud in front of my friends. When I said something about her one of my buddies looked at me and then he looked at her and then called her over to our table! Oh! Oh! This is bad! My heart stopped. I almost gagged as I muttered his name in horror. She came over to the table and my friend motioned for her to come closer and then he whispered something in her ear. The whole lunchroom is watching as time comes to almost a surreal stop. She listens and then looks right at me across the table like she was looking at a wounded kitten. "I'm sorry. I already have a date for Homecoming".

Now there's an idea!

Now I do not condone "Hit a Jew Day" in any way, shape or form but I think those mush-brain kids may be on to something. The "Hit a Tall Person Day" is pretty good but may have serious consequences and I've warned you about consequences before! "Hug a Friend Day" is either gay or could get you in trouble at work (or both) and about the only thing in the world I'm too mature for is "High Five Day".

But they may be on to something with a "Hit the --fill in the blank --Day". The possibilities are endless and why does that make me smile? I'm not talking about beating somebody up or any thing approaching violence but, you know, just a good, hard punch to the back in between the shoulder blades. Just get their attention, maybe make 'em lose their breath for minute. No harm done.

There will have to be some rules. You know me. I'm all about rules so here are some guidelines: Nobody below the age of, oh, let's say five. Nobody over the age of eighty-nine. Except for illegal aliens. They are all fair game since they waived their rights when came over illegally. Gypsies get hit twice and zombies just have to be shot. Simple enough? Ok, here are some of the days I thought of off the top of my head:

"Hit the Cat Day"
"Hit the Free Credit Report.com Guy Day"
"Hit the Undecided Voter Day"
"Hit the World's Biggest Cowboys Fan Day" (so obnoxious!)
"Hit the My Child is an Honor Student Day" (Parent and student)

So, what days do you think we should have?

Bammie's "Storytime"

I don't know how many of you read any of the comments that people leave here but it's the main reason I write anything is just to read what other people have to say. Sometimes stupid, sometimes insightful and some, like this one, are just flat entertaining! This is a response to my first "Storytime" a few days ago:

I just read the "Storytime" about JD. Loved it! Now for one of my own. About a kitty, however, not a real kitty, but a "granddaughter" kitty. While at the hospital in North Caroline where my daughter was being cared for during her difficult pregnancy, my granddaugter and I were leaving one afternoon. Peyton was dressed as a kitty cat. We trudged all the way to the car with our "stuff" in hand. Once there, Peyton declared that she "needed to go." Oh my gosh! Peyton, I exclaimed. We just left the hospital! Couldn't you have gone to the bathroom while we were in the building? Now, we have to go ALL THE WAY BACK (for a grandmother, this can be a very exhausting trek.) Peyton looked up at me and said, "Bammie, when a cat's got to pee, a cat's got to pee!" I nearly fell over with laughter. So there you have it! When a grandmother has got to pee, a grandmother has got to pee! See you later!

Thanks, Bammie, you made me laugh! We love you and we are praying for you! See you soon.

My boss is funny!

My boss said some funny things today! Oh, she's such a card! Maybe it was just the mind-numbing delirium of the three and a half hour meeting but when word comes from the top of one of the biggest companies in America that we are all just one big family and that we all need to work together as a team even though we will not be getting any "salary actions", I just have to crack up! I swear she should have been standing in front of a fake brick wall with a microphone saying, "I get no respect!" or "Take my wife, please!" but she instead said that instead of punishing the small group that is abusing their priviledges, we will punish the whole group because "We've always done it that way". Classic! It really is. I'm wishing more and more that I could meet another boss who maybe wasn't quite so funny. I'm not deserving of that kind of humor!

**Cough, cough**Liar!**Cough, cough**

Oh, please! Powell endorses Obama but not because he's black. It's like saying you read Playboy for the articles.

Storytime

I grew up in a family full of preachers. My Dad is a preacher. I have several uncles that are preachers. Cousins, brothers-in-law, distant relatives. I can even prove that I have some kind of relative that was a preacher when he came over on the Mayflower. Does this make me more spritual or holy? No, it makes me have alot of experience hearing stories. Preachers tell lots of stories. They use stories in their preaching to illustrate points and they just seem to have alot of stories to tell even when they aren't preaching. So, I have heard alot of story-telling in my day and I can appreciate a good story when it's told. I also like to tell stories and I think a good story should be told even if it makes me look bad.



My father and uncles are some of the best storytellers in the world. I have never laughed so hard as when my Uncle Bill tells about being in the Army or in the oil field when he was a young man. He tells about being in Boot Camp and how you had to run everywhere and then wait in line for everything. He said they ran to the chow hall one day and then waited in this long line down the sidewalk to get in the chow hall. They came to a tree next to the sidewalk and there was a man in the tree shouting over and over "I WILL NOT CUT IN LINE!! I WILL NOT CUT IN LINE!!" He said he thought that was pretty funny until he came to the next tree along the sidewalk and there was a man in that tree also shouting. Uncle Bill said this young man was shouting, "I WILL NOT LAUGH AT THE MAN IN THE TREE SHOUTING I WILL NOT CUT IN LINE!! I WILL NOT LAUGH AT THE MAN IN THE TREE SHOUTING I WILL NOT CUT IN LINE!!" Now that's a funny story!



Because I like to tell stories and I think a good story needs to be told, I have decided to include a some-what regular feature to this blog that I will entitle simply "Storytime". It's my blog and I reserve the right to tell stories just for the sake of the fun of telling it. Previously, I have told certain tales and had some sort of moral to go along with it but when it comes to "Storytime" you may not get any kind of moral or real reason for telling it other than it being funny or interesting to me. I may remember something funny that happened to me or I may choose to use one I have heard in a sermon or it might be something a relative told. Again, a good story just needs to be told.



Allow me to start it off with a classic about my dog JD. If you never got a chance to meet JD, it's a shame. He was an Australian Shepherd and he was smart as a whip and went with me almost everywhere. He went to work with me every day when we worked at a feed store in Arlington. The little store had no air conditioning and we kept the doors and windows open all the time. JD was free to come and go as he pleased but he never went too far and was always right there when a customer came in and he loved to meet people. He was the "Will Rogers" of dogs in that he never met a man he didn't like!



Sometimes JD would go out back of the store and chase a squirrel or a bird but he always came right back. There was a time, though, when I noticed JD was gone and he stayed gone for longer than usual. I had also noticed that his appetite was not like it usually was. This lasted several days and then one day he didn't come back to the store and it was time to close. So, I put everything away and closed up the store and went looking for him. It wasn't like him to be gone this long and I was getting concerned. I got in the truck and drove all around the neighborhood. I saw a little boy on a bike and rolled my window down and asked him, "Have you seen a medium-sized grey and white dog around here"? He thought for a second and said, "You mean like the one down at Accent Tire"? I said, "Thank you". Now, I know the folks down at Accent Tire because we had done business together many times. Their store was about three blocks away from where we worked and I knew they didn't have any dog that matched that description. So, I drove down there and got out of the truck and looked in the window before I went in. Sure enough! There's JD.

As I walked in the door, the bell rang and it woke JD up out of a sound snooze. He was obviously enjoying the air conditioned comfort of the office at the tire store. He glanced at me as I walked in and then laid his head back down and then did a quick double-take as he realized he was busted. He walked over to me with a funny "I was just passing by" look on his face. I asked the secretary working there why they had my dog in their store. She said, "Oh, we just love JD! And he loves these jelly donuts". That's my boy.

Como se what?

Click...click...click

Not the sound you want your car to make when you are trying to start it. I have been in that situation more times than I care to remember so when I saw it was a woman who looked like she needed help at the gas station, I went over to ask if I could help.

"Do you have jumper cables?", I asked.

She just looked at me so I repeated the question a little louder and slower.

"DO..YOU...HAVE...JUMPER...CABLES?

She just looks at me and smiles sheepishly and sort of raises her shoulders.

"Do you want a big dog to bite you on the nose?", I said in a language she obviously didn't understand. Frustrated that I couldn't help, I walked off.

Three times this week I have been in businesses where the owner of the business could not speak any English. Look, I don't mind you people coming over here. In fact, I don't blame you at all. It's the greatest country in the world and will continue to be great as long as we can all communicate but without communication, how can anything survive? Marriages crumble, contracts are broken and businesses fail because of lack of communication.

It is more than just an aggravation. What if that woman was having a heart attack? What if her baby needed medicine? What if...a million things. I would like to help but I can't because we don't understand each other. Is it now going to be my responsibility to learn Spanish so I can be ready in case of emergency? It's bad enough that I have to press "1" to hear the options in English.

Living in this country comes with a few basic responsibilities. You need to register when you get here so we can make sure no bad guys come in and learn a little English so we can communicate when you get here. That's not so hard, now is it? Oh, and bring jumper cables!

Outer Steak

My office isn't as big as space but it smells like tuna fish.

Unbelievable on several levels

So y'all have been totally no help to me whatsoever in imbedding videos so I will have to link to another one. I am almost speechless about this particular video. In fact, I am. I don't know what to say...The Howard Stern Show.





h/t: Ace

Buy me a Christmas gift or you don't love Jesus!

Well, thank goodness the new Neiman-Marcus Christmas catalog has come out so we can figure out what we want to do with our money! Hmmm, do I spend some time with the Harlem Globetrotters or maybe pony up a little extra for the stable of thoroughbreds? It can be a difficult decision this time of year. I work hard. I deserve $9000.00 cuff links and nothing says, "I've arrived" like $160,000 worth of BMW 7-series, you know what I mean, Lovie?

I had a pretty good time looking at that catalog but I also got another catalog in the mail. This catalog was from Samaritan's Purse. I've worked with Samaritan's Purse a few times and I'm on the mailing list. I also decided last year that I wanted something from their catalog and I insisted on getting it. I want something similar again this year.

The catalog has forty different ways you can make a difference in somebody's life this year. Check it out online or ask for the hard copy. I know. I know. I know. It seems like everybody from everywhere wants you to donate to their cause and especially this time of year around the holidays. I also know that there are lots of good causes and I'm sure that your money will be put to good use if you decided to give to the United Way or March of Dimes or wherever. Well, actually, I don't know that. Maybe it will, but I know that Samaritan's Purse will do some incredible things with whatever size gift you choose.

Where else can you buy some chickens or a goat for a hungry African family or spend four bucks to provide milk (my favorite!) to an orphan for a week? You can teach a kid to read and write for $15 and never leave your couch! How much do you think it would mean to send somebody in Angola a Bible? It'll only cost you fifteen dollars. One of the most expensive things cost $2200 and that was for heart surgery for a child. Hmmm, cuff links or three heart surgeries? I don't know...

OK, here's my dilemma: how do I say I want anybody who buys me a Christmas gift this year to buy it from the Samaritan's Purse catalog without sounding all "holier-than-thou"? Honestly, I don't know but I'm over it. You get over it. Yes, the title of this post was a bit much but it got your attention and you can get over that too! Anyway, that's what I want for Christmas. Pick something from their catalog and they will send me a card telling me what you bought and they will not only use that money to feed a baby or clothe an orphan but they will also make sure that those people hear about the life-changing good news of Jesus Christ!

While a titanium and carbon-fiber motorcycle would be pretty cool for a mere $110,000, you could also help rescue a child from bondage and abuse for $75.00. Am I trying to guilt you into using the Samaritan's Purse catalog over the Neiman's catalog? Maybe a little. Would I like to have an M-Velope transformable structure? Well... I guess. But seriously, where am I going to put that Dallas Cowboys stadium end zone turf and not look ridiculous?

Coupla things

1. Somebody needs to tell me how to imbed videos in here. Until I figure it out, I will have to keep linking to them.

2. I don't know who this guy is but I couldn't quit watching him. He must be from Texas because he say's "y'all" alot.



h/t: Jay Nordlinger

There is some good news.

I regurlarly read the Drudge Report. I regularly watch the news and listen to talk radio. And just when I am ready to gouge out my eyes and ram a scredriver through my eardrums, I read the end of the Book one more time.

Behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to render to each man according as his work is. Revelation 22:12

Even so, Come Lord Jesus! I have to admit. It's a selfish thought. What about my neighbors who don't know Jesus? Lord, don't come just yet! Gimme a couple more days to tell Mrs. Daniel and the new folks who just moved in next door. What about my old friend Dorothy? God, where does she stand with you?

I'm so tired of this place. I have it pretty good and I'm sick of this ol' life. Constantly bad news on top of worse news. I struggle every day with sin and greed and disappointment and worry.

"Yes. I am coming soon." Revelation 22:20

Assault with a Deadly Ingredient

*static* "Uh, 10-4, base, this is Unit 119, come again".

"Deadly weapon of WHAT sort"?

"I'm sorry, base, repeat. It sounded like you said peanut butter".

*static* "10-4, base, Unit 119 responding to the call".

Three minutes later...

"Unit 119 urgently requesting backup!! Officer Down, Officer Down!! One officer fully engaged with jelly and another bringing the bread! Get that milk down here quick"!

That's pretty drunk!

Let me set the scene for you. It's Tuesday night in Florida and that means it's Ladies Night down at the DewDropInn. Anybody that's anybody shows up on Tuesday night. They're shooting pool and darts and sometimes each other but rarely do they shoot themselves. John has brought his best girl Sylvia to the Inn tonight and he's having a good time. Sure, Johnny has had a few to drink but it's ok. Sylvia will drive home. He doesn't want the night to end. He's already planning on calling in sick tomorrow and he probably will be sick the way he's drinking.

Back at the house...

"Woooo, Sylbia...you looking good tonight and ...(something you couldn't understand nor could I repeat here) ....like I like...(unintelligible)...one more beer...(blah, blah)...off dat dress". He ends the serenade with another, "WOOWOO" and blacks out for a second but comes back to and makes his best move. She pushes him down and walks to the spare bedroom.

"That's...last straw", says Johnny, "Shes nussin widout me!" He reaches in the nightstand next to him and pulls out the .22 revolver "his cousin gave him" and puts it to his head. He'll show her! He hears the gun go "bang" so loud it gives him a headache but all it did was knock over the lamp. "What the...?" Sights must be off. He debates: in the mouth, in the temple, hold it gangsta style...Bang!! "Dangitt!", says Johnny.

Out of bullets, Johnny stumbles to the spare room with his arm bleeding and says something about shooting Sylvia while looking at his arm, wondering how that happened. "I don't have to live this way", he says with a headache, his arm bleeding and his stomach getting queasy. "Soon as I make myself a sandwi...OWW!" as he bumped into the doorframe of the kitchen. Sylvia looks up from her pillow. "Next commercial, I'll call 911".

Is this even still a crime in LA?

I nearly did the same thing at the walmarts the other day. Kids these days...(say in Grampa Simpson voice)...why, back in my day they let me cut in line...and they liked it! I remember one time I was standing in line with an onion on my belt, cuz it was the style at the time, when...what was I saying? Oh, well.

Graves Disease

If I have been rude to you, fallen asleep while you talked or stared at you with my eyes bugging out, this website that my friend Gary found may explain some of that. Or maybe I was just so shocked that you are such a jerk that I fell asleep. It could happen.

Credit crunch?

I just got an email from my credit card company saying my limit had been upped to something crazy. I think I'll go buy a house.

Sharkbait or hero?

Would you do this for your dog? I would like to think I would.

Why are these men so sad?

Has Joe Biden

Doesn't have Judge Alito

Because I can...

Just because I didn't want any of my loyal fans to have to look at either Lyin' Al Gore or Fancypants Aiken when they did their hourly check-in, here's a picture that is better. (I'm home sick, by the way, so enjoy these brief moments of creativity while they last.)

Gore urges more stupidity

"If you're a young person looking at the future of this planet and looking at what is being done right now, and not done, I believe we have reached the stage where it is time for civil disobedience to prevent the construction of new coal plants that do not have carbon capture and sequestration," Gore told the Clinton Global Initiative gathering to loud applause.

Wow #1: Gore can still get a speaking gig.

Wow #2: People applaud him like they are listening.

Wow #3: He just told young people they should break the law.

He's right. And left. And wrong.

Clay Aiken has come out of the closet and admitted he's gay. Shocker. In the article he says, "I don't really feel like I have anybody to answer to but myself and God and the people I love." It's that whole answering to God part that's the doozy.

Exodus 20:14

1 Corinthians 6:9-10

1 Corinthians 5:1

Ephesians 5:3

Leviticus 18:22

Deuteronomy 23:17

Leviticus 20:13

Romans 1:24-27

1 Timothy 1:10

Fortunately for Clay there are also:

(Jeremiah 29:11-13 NKJV) For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. {12} Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. {13} And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

(Romans 10:10-13 NKJV) For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. {11} For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame." {12} For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. {13} For "whoever calls on the name of the LORD shall be saved."

Jeremiah 33:8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me.

1 John 2:12 KJV I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name's sake.

He beat me to it.

I started to do the exact same thing. Now it would be just like I was trying to copy-cat him again.

Cleaning up after Gustav

Here are a few pics of our trip to Donaldsonville, LA a couple of weeks ago. Five of us from my church went there to chainsaw trees and tarp some roofs messed up by the hurricane. We also got to talk to some folks about Jesus so it was a good time. It was good to be able to help. Samaritan's Purse had everything we needed.

PETA knows breast

http://www.wnbc.com/news/17539627/detail.html

In totally unrelated news, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and all restaurants in Switzerland will soon declare bankruptcy.

Farm cows groan in pain.

Oh, No! What's this world coming to?

Please tell me it's not true! Actually, I didn't know Bette Midler was still alive, much less touring and even much less, has a fleet of trucks to help her do it!

Three things I have in common with Bette Midler:

1) I wear old clothes.

2) I recycle.

3) I'm not news.

The Skunk Defense

It would be cruel and unusual to be his cellmate!

Should we bail out Big Popcorn?

My friend Don has the best description of the financial crisis going on in an easy-to-read way right here but the real question is: How is it going to affect me and my popcorn consumption? Have you priced popcorn lately? Not movie popcorn. My ARPM (adjustable rate popcorn mortgage) ballooned and burst when I saw Batman a few weeks ago and scared the whole theater! I got Flabbie Mac to give me a loan so I got the large tub with extra butter. (He said I could afford it!) Anyway, movie popcorn has always been expensive but have you priced regular popcorn lately? Through the roof! My wife and I made a popcorn investment the other day at WalMart (or, "the walmarts" as the rednecks say in my neighborhood. ie; I gotta go to the walmarts to get some new camo for church sunday!). We purchased a box of microwave popcorn and some stove top popcorn and 2 containers of shakeable butter and nacho flavoring. $174! Or something like that. Sent our whole household economy into a tailspin. I blame Willie Nelson. Stupid Biodiesel.

Hey, biden...

How many times a day do you average saying something stupid?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080918/ap_on_el_pr/biden_taxes_3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRV5Y1JCGRI

http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2008/08/23/politics/fromtheroad/entry4377062.shtml

http://articles.latimes.com/2007/feb/04/opinion/op-chait4

http://www.gop.com/News/NewsRead.aspx?Guid=60ee8868-37a8-4a5d-99c4-ddb0bbc1c95e

Hobobama

From S.Weasel

The Sara I really love!

She's perfect in every way!

I'm telling you, I love me some Sarah Palin!

Bom-chicka-bom-chicka-bow-wow!

Palin for Pres!

OK, I'm trying to watch McCain's speech but he ain't no Sarah Palin!

What are these people trying to do? Make money?

Notice: I will be bringing my attorney with me to all fast-food restaurants from now on. I think a quick contract should probably be drawn up before ordering.

The party of the first part (Todd) shall be heretofor (hereforto?) notified in verbal or written communication if the party of the second part (restaurant name) does or does not actually mean or further fully represent what is on the menu of the party of the second parts' restaurant at the price represented.

If the party of the second part (I got that from the Marx Brothers, by the way. There should be a joke coming soon about "party"), ahem...anyway, if the party of the second part is including a side dish as part of the price it will be expected that said side dish will be in the picture with the main dish and the words "select a side" would be interpreted to mean that the side is included in the payment price. Including a picture of the side dish and the words "select a side" are legal proof that the party of the second part will indeed include said side dish for the remuniation expected and advertised on the sign.

If and when the party of the first part decides that said side dish should not be included in the advertised meal for whatever reason he deems necessary (your hash browns are icky), then the party of the second part shall not punish the party of the first part in monetary or mentally abusive manners and will leave off icky side dish and should, but will not be forced to, lower the advertised price to equally reflect fair market price for advertised meal minus the cost of icky side if purchased seperately.

The party of the first part also reserves the right to order a glass of water for no charge in a "courtesy cup" with a little bit of courtesy and obtain said cup with a size large enough to hold at least the amount of water that would moisten the lips of the average Chinese gymnast.

In conclusion, no, the party of the first part does not want an apple pie or he would order an apple pie. How long have those been in there, anyway?

Acceptance of remuniation from the party of the first part by the party of the second part shall decidedly acknowledge acceptance of these terms and will decidedly make the party of the first part to get together with the party of the second part and have a party of the best part!

Coulda been

I'm watching the Republican Convention and Rudy is rockin'! Last night Fred ruled the joint! McCain is infinitely better than Obama but I can't help think about what could have been.

Pro-Sarah

I like Sarah Palin because she is pro-choice. She chooses to hunt, fish, trap, eat meat and wear fur!

What...?

I remember as a little kid watching the Democratic and National Conventions (well, I saw them, I may not have been watching). I remember as a child thinking,"What in the world are they doing? They look like idiots"! Nearly 40 years later, I sit there watching the conventions and I think, "What in the world are they doing? They look like idiots"!

Natural

I was sitting out on the back porch tonight and realized that everything out there was in perfect harmony. The sun was almost down, setting below the trees with a fresh, light wind blowing and the smell of freshly-cut grass and my dogs were finding something to sniff by the tree. I listened as a cicada made an incredibly loud noise for such a small critter and I just watched as the trees swayed in the scented wind. It made me think how I wish the rest of my life could be as harmonious as nature. Then I remembered that in almost all aspects of nature it is kill or be killed and I realized...hmm, not much different.

I'm on a gun kick.

I finally joined the NRA, by the way, if you're wondering.

"W"--who Nancy secretly wishes was running again!

VIP VP

McCain says he is picking his Vice-President running mate tomorrow. I doubt that she would accept it and I have not heard anyone talk about it but I think he ought to pick Condi Rice. She is going to need a job in January. She's smart, conservative, speaks well, and oh, yeah, she's a woman and she's black. That would be a shot to the heart of the Dems.

2nd Amendment

This lady nails the 2nd Amendment perfectly! And that 80's hair is HOT!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4069761537893819675&pr=goog-sl

thanks dt

The headline

I am not an uncaring, uncharitable, unmoved, unpitying, unstirred, untouched person or any other synonym for someone who has no compassion for hurting people or families. That is why I cringed when I read the story under the this headline. How many times is this going to have to happen before it is not worth the risk for illegal aliens to illegally come over our border and illegally get a job? Anybody who comes into our country without properly registering is committing a crime just like someone who runs a red light or commits murder. Half way through the article it quotes a local youth pastor as saying the people were handled like criminals. Uh, ya think?

What I do for fun...

I have always seemed to get bored pretty easy but lately it is taking more to entertain me. For instance, just the other day I stopped by the local gas station and pumped a tank full of gas. I went in and paid for the gas, got back in the car and then drove up about 20 feet. My idea worked better than expected and I and many others were highly entertained.. As I drove up with the gas nozzle still in my gas tank filler, the nozzle broke off the pump. It was so funny when the gas started to gush out of the top of the pump like a waterfall and rain down on the car on the other side. The highly entertained owner of the car cried out, "Is it going to blow up"? Haha, what a funny lady! I told her, "Yeah, probably" and she drove off toward the fire station.

Well with my work done and since the Hazmat team had arrived, I hated to leave . They're funny guys and do a great job so I know they'll get a kick out of it!

Dude, No kidding?

Exposure to burning incense over long periods of time raises the risk of developing cancers of the upper respiratory tract, a new study shows. Or could it be the inhalation of the illegal substance being covered up by the incense? Just throwing that idea out there.

Studies have also found that burning incense leads to the munchies.

No wonder the Russian Navy stays at sea for so long!

Joshua 24:15

Sometimes I don't write because I have nothing of real value on my mind to share. Sometimes I don't write because I have too much on my mind to share. Sometimes everything that is on my mind makes for a very heavy weight and I just need to share it with somebody. Everybody gets that way sometime. I've noticed a change in how I write lately. I put that stupid picture up on the previous post, well...I don't know why. It's stupid. Nevermind that picture. I just thought the blog needed a picture. No great wisdom or thought going into it, obviously, but it's part of how my writing (what there is of it) has changed.



I look back at some of the stuff I have written lately and it's not good. The quality of the writing itself is as good or as bad as it's ever been. Shakespeare's not yet too worried, but the content just seems bitter or angry sometimes and to be honest, it's not coming from a very good place. Talking about shooting someone in his "fat-encrusted heart" or making fun of midgets or even bad-mouthing Obama all seem funny but at the same time those mean comments are coming from a source that I don't really like. Mama says, "What's down in the well comes up in the bucket". I don't like my well lately and I could use several things as excuses but it comes down to being my choice.



In the Old Testament there is a story about a man named Joshua who had a choice to make. His choice would affect generations of people to come. The decision he made and his stand to live by that choice had direct implications on how his children and his children's children would live their lives. It was a time when idolatry was more common than serving God and Joshua stood up before his family and his friends and even his enemies and announced his decision. He didn't make fun of those who didn't agree with him or make them look stupid. In fact he gave them the option to continue serving their man-made gods but he told them in Joshua 24, verse 15, "But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."



I love that story! It is inspiring to read about Joshua and his commitment. I even have the last part of that verse on a large plaque in my living room letting everyone know that I agree with Joshua and I, too, say, "As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." But there's a problem. What if they don't? What if my kids, who are older teenagers, don't live like they care to serve the Lord? You see, I have found that just because I say something doesn't necessarily make it true. Imagine that! Just because I say that my family will serve the Lord and not serve man-made idols does not mean that it happens. I know because I have seen their Myspace pages and I know who they run with and I have seen pictures and heard from their own lips things that are contrary to the whole "me and my house" thing. I'm trying to lead the charge and I look behind me and nobody is there. You're not much of a leader if nobody follows, huh?



So, now I'm just frustrated. I understand that people (even teenagers) are responsible for their own actions and that we all have free will. I know I can't convince everybody in the world that my way is the right way. Heck, I'm guilty of not living it myself. In fact, don't tell my kids but I did all the things they are doing and then some and I still screw up more than most. I don't want to do that, though, and I ache for my kids to not have to experience the consequences that I did because I was not choosing to serve the Lord. I have first-hand experience to the blessings of obedience and the consequences of disobedience but I feel like my hands are tied behind me when it comes to talking to my kids. Evidently I ruined their lives by marrying their mother years ago so they don't talk to me about anything.


Actually, I have to take my share of the blame. I'm the adult and I should be able to react better when they act like they do but after a few years of rarely, if ever, hearing "I'm sorry" or "I apologize", I began to realize that they weren't sorry and that it didn't matter what I said or did. I couldn't make them genuinely regretful about whatever it was I thought they should be regretful. As you can imagine, our relationship has suffered. I know my wife loves me but it causes problems when I don't see eye-to-eye with our kids. Again, I know I'm not the first or last to go through junk like this and I'm gonna try to adjust my writing style a little more toward the positive side. I believe you choose your own attitude but even more I have peace and joy in my life even when things don't go my way. I'm not perfect and I may still make a few snide remarks about Obama or soul patches but when I choose to serve the Lord and to have a personal relationship with Jesus, who is God and the Christ, I know I am forgiven of all my sins and that takes the weight off of me.

Stop! In the name of ruv!

Sounds like something I might say...

It's 700 degrees outside and I only had a sandwich for lunch so I think I deserved an ice cream cone from Braum's. I sat down to enjoy the treat and overheard a man talking to his wife at a table near mine. Using all of his white trash education he was explaining how a crook launders money. Now, I know as well as any man the importance of having my wife think that I know what I'm talking about at all times but I'm pretty sure laundering money does not involve using your stolen money to buy a laundromat.

Solutions

Richard Cooey is a deathrow inmate in Ohio who says he is too fat to be given the lethal injection. His claim is that executioners would have trouble finding his veins and that his weight could diminish the effectiveness of one of the lethal injection drugs. He also takes a drug for migraine headaches that could interfere with the effectiveness of the...blah, blah...painful...blah, blah, blah...fat boy.

Several solutions come to mind to fix the problem for this raping murderer. He's had over twenty years to get fat on the prison diet. I've visited prisons and eaten the food and I find it hard to believe that anybody could gain weight on it but evidently Deep Dish Cooey was able to. My practical side just says to put him on bread and water for a while and force him to lose weight. You could also get a couple of Dobermans to chase him around the yard a bit. You know, for fun and exercise! Let's get Richard Simmons in there. Build up his cardio, maybe shock the abs, keep'em guessing. I know Richard would like it.

This migraine medicine problem seems pretty easy to solve, huh? Let's see, we could maybe give him another medicine to counteract the migraine medicine and give that a few months or years to work. Maybe some therapy to solve the problem behind the migraines would help. In totally unrelated news, the parents of the victims have been having migraines for about twenty years now and have actually lost some weight but that's their problem. Anyhow, I'd hate to see Tons o' Fun meet his Maker with a headache. That would be a crime.

Or we could just shoot ol' Gooey Cooey in his fat-encrusted heart. He'd be an easy target.

Mr. Sensitivity

I went into a long emotional story the other day with a coworker about a horrible, probably fatal car crash I had seen. A mother and her three little children were hit from behind and landed on their roof. My friend and I were the first ones on the scene and pulled them from the car. I told my coworker that the mother was rushed to the hospital by ambulance but probably didn't make it. His response? "Was she hot?"

Dude, I got so Ambien'ed last night!

Maybe you have heard stories about people taking the prescription sleeping pill Ambien and doing crazy things while they are asleep. There are numerous reports of people sleep-walking, sleep-driving and even sleep-eating while on Ambien but I never believed it until I started taking the drug. It has been a problem for me a couple of times when something finally does wake me up at night but now I seem to have another problem with Ambien: sleep-blogging.

I started taking Ambien about a year ago and immediately noticed a wonderful difference in my ability to get to sleep. Between health problems and teenagers it seemed that a good night's sleep was just a dream but this wonder drug changed all that. And more. Twice I have woken up to find myself somewhere besides my bed and one of those times could have landed me in jail if the cops had asked me any questions and realized how out of it I was. No kidding.

Many times my wife has asked me if I remember the phone ringing in the night or her trying to wake me up but I didn't respond. Some people tell me that they have to take Ambien practically on the way down the hall to their bed or they won't make it but I'm not that way. I can take it and then I have a few minutes before I start getting sleepy. That's where the problem comes with blogging. I need pretty much silence to write anything here and usually wait until my wife goes to bed to start typing. I don't do it on purpose but several times I have woken up the next day and not known what I had written about the night before. I promise I'm not kidding. I have checked my email more than once and there is a response to some post that I have no idea how it got there.

The point of me explaining this is twofold. First, if you decide you need help falling asleep then I recommend Ambien but be very careful and it is probably best not to be alone if you take it. Secondly, read this blog with a grain of salt. I'm not smart enough to comment on most things if I'm not on Ambien but if you read something here and it's stupid or doesn't make sense then we can blame it on the pill. Also, if I offend somebody (like saying your soul patch looks gay) there is a good chance I was doped up when I wrote it. Not always, but sometimes. So, beware of anything I write after about 9:30. And I will try to stay off the computer and in my bed tonight.

My Apologies

The House of Representatives today finally issued an apology to African Americans for slavery and Jim Crow laws 140 years after slavery was abolished. I say it is too little too late. This is an important and meaningless gesture that all involved hope leads to continued racial harmony and world peace and butterflies landing on lollypops in green fields of lovely...love...and stuff (but without reparations, of course).

In fact, I think we should carry our penitence a little bit further. I personally would like to also apologize to not only the African Americans but to the Native Americans since neither I nor anybody I am associated with had anything to do with their mistreatment and since their great-great-grandchildren have to live on government -subsidized casino resorts. That obviously is working well for everybody. They ought to have that alcoholism and unemployment problem licked any day now. We could at least apologize.

Since we are apologizing, let's not forget the Irish Americans and the Italian Americans who came over to this country just hoping to make a better life for their families and all we did was enable their work habits. We are enablers in this country and we should apologize for it immediately. Who knows where those poor people would have been if not for us Americans (you know, me and my family)? Why, they might have been able to, oh, I don't know, starve in Ireland or Italy? I am so sorry.

It is also time to make known our remorse publicly to the Midget Americans who came over in their tiny boats The Miniflower, The Nino, The Pint-Sized and the Santa Clauses Lap just to make a little life for themselves and have had to endure more than a little bit of cruelty in word and deed by me and my friends ever since. An apology is just what they need to make up for all of the jokes and Dwarf-tossing and misproportioned bodies that we have caused. Midget Americans across the land should stand up (oh, they are already standing) and accept my apology.

This non-rush to apologize should also include some of the most ill-fated citizens of this country, the Mustachioed Americans. For hundreds of years Americans with mustaches have been denied the American dream because of their choice of facial hair. Employers regularly deny employment to anyone sporting a Mutton chop even today and the opportunities for women with handlebar mustaches in this country lag far behind more apologetic countries in Eastern Europe. Let's save the world and spend precious resources apologizing to all who wear the FuManchu or Dripdown or Goatee or soul patch. Well, never mind the soul patch. That just looks gay.

Did I miss anybody?

I hate it when my prayers are stolen!

Having been to the Western Wall in Jerusalem many years ago, I know what a holy place it is to the Jewish people. Even as a Christian, I recognized the importance and the aura of sacredness that surrounded the wall. When I was there the crowd was intense and kept me from getting close enough to touch it. I was surrounded by fervently praying believers dressed in a way that was foreign to me and seemed to come from another time far removed from my own. At the same time, I justifiably felt that I was the one dressed inappropriately and had barged into an era that I did not belong. Their devotion was impressive to say the least.

As you know, the custom is to approach the wall and place a written prayer in the cracks between the stones of the wall as Barack Obama did recently on his rock 'n roll world tour. With cameras blazing and fans drooling, the crowd parted for Obama like the Red Sea did for Moses and he placed this note, written on his hotel stationery, in the wall:

"Lord, protect my family and me. Forgive me my sins. Help me guard against pride and despair. Give me wisdom to do what is right and just. And make me an instrument of your will."

We know this is what was written because someone stole it from the wall minutes after Obama left and promptly turned it over to a local newspaper which of course stopped the presses and published it. This story is just this side of tragic. What kind of person would steal a prayer which is a personal and private communication to the Creator of the Universe? What sort of National Enquirer wanna-be newspaper would dare print the thing? It is a disgrace and makes me embarrassed and ashamed for both parties. The only thing to make this tale more tragic would be if Obama had expected or even planned for his prayer to be stolen and therefore wrote the beautiful imploration with that in mind. Surely that is not the case. Surely not.

**Update**

I don't often reply to a comment to any of my posts but I had to respond to the first comment by Mr. Anonymous about Obama giving his prayer to the newspaper. I have not heard or read anything about this at all and I would appreciate commenters giving their sources if they have any but for now, let's assume this is correct. Let's assume that Obama gave his permission for people to read his prayer. Does that not prove my point capitally? What an arrogant jerk! If it is true then why put on the show? Why not come clean? Obama never denied that the prayer had been stolen. An Obama Presidency would be the real tragedy. Also, whether or not a person is Jewish makes no difference to the expectation of privacy at the Western Wall or before the Creator.

What's in a name?

The life of every average child is filled with good times and bad. Sometimes as a youth I felt like everybody was picking on me. I'm sure most young people have times when they feel that way. Maybe one is too fat or has large ears or has clothes that are less than the latest and greatest but almost everybody is made fun of as a child by other children. Children are especially good at making fun of names when there is not necessarily anything else to make fun of. You might think that with a name like mine I would be exempt. Not much rhymes with Todd except maybe "odd" or "pod", neither of which take up much space in a child's vocabulary. It was "Toddy Waddy Potty" that was the vicious slander for me. It's just not fair! How could my parents be so cruel as to stick me with such a horrible name as Todd?

As cruel as kids can be, though, do you think if a child has a really distasteful name that a judge should be able to legally change the name against the will of the parents? How bad of a name would it have to be before one could justify such intrusion by the government? I think this name qualifies with ease: Talula Does The Hula in Hawaii. That's the poor 9 year old girls name in New Zealand. Too bad her name was changed she could have hung out with her friends, "Violence" and the twins, "Benson and Hedges" or the blond "Sex Fruit" over at the house of "Number 16 Bus Shelter". They would have heck of a time coming up with a name for their band.

No what?

I bet my amimals can spell better than you!

I heart Babes

No, not that kind of babes! Babe's Chicken Dinner House. I'm in Granbury today for work and stopped to have some of the best fried chicken and fixin's anywhere. They also have a place in Burleson. The food is family style and I ate enough to feed a family but half way through the meal all of the young waitresses got up to dance. You might think that would be entertaining but you would be wrong today. I enjoy the "Hokey-Pokey" as much as the next man (insert eye roll here) but every time I do the "Hokey-Pokey" I try to add as much feeling into it as is reasonable. These girls mutilated a perfectly good annoying child's song with particular unemphasis on the putting in and taking out of their elbows. They also only partly shook the various body parts, not one of them shaking anything "all about".

When that song was mercifully over, the girl who was my waitress got the microphone and launched into a dreadful version of "Crazy" by Patsy Cline and went around the restaurant singing into the eyes of male customers even holding their chin with her hand as she sang. I looked up from my chicken and noticed how most of the patrons in the place were politeley averting their eyes from this wanna-be budding young star but the girl was looking at and coming toward me! I'm not easily embarrassed but one of us needed to be and so I just smiled as she softly touched my shoulder and sang about how crazy she was for me just like she just did for some fat trucker in the other booth. I love fried chicken but I don't know if I can handle the collateral damage to my psyche from eating at Babe's any more!

The better to hear you with!

And then a little girl fell in this ear and we had to call the fire department to get her out.

Bush Breath

Then I found out why they call him "Putin" and I had to hold my breath like this!

Coulda been worse

The announcement at church brought back bad memories of one of many embarrassing days in High School. Our Sunday School classes were to compete in a softball game at the Youth Ballpark in Arlington and all I could think of was the last time I played softball in High School and not only struck out but struck out and fell down in front of everybody in the school. Surely, things would turn out better this time.

The mood was festive. People were laughing. Birds were singing and the self-expectation and confidence were high. The bottom half of the inning was spent in the field where luckily nothing was hit my way and I hardly moved. Fine with me. Three up and three down and we headed to the dugout. Several people on our team batted and some did better than others. No pressure if you are a child. No pressure for the women. Pressure for a full grown man.

I hid the shock of my name being called to bat and ran toward the bats hanging on the fence. I grabbed one like I knew what I was doing and jogged confidently towards home plate. I dug my feet into the dirt next to the plate and took some practice swings. Crowd cheers. Pitcher rocks back and lobs. No fancy stuff. Not too fast. Right toward the plate and a swing! I was surprised to not hear the crack of the bat hitting the ball but instead...silence. Strike one.

I vaguely heard the gasps of the crowd and with all of the confidence I could muster I dug in a little deeper in the dirt and took another powerful practice swing. No problem, I just needed to see one. This next one is going downtown! I think I heard my wife holler something. Was that my daughter laughing? Concentrate. Watch the ball. Here's the wind up and a lob straight toward the plate. Big swing! Swish. Strike two.

Two strikes and my head is swimming. This couldn't be that hard but it seems like things are moving too fast and the repressed High School memories are making concentration difficult. I stepped out of the batter's box and batted at my shoes a couple of times like I had seen real players do. Ouch! That was a little too hard. Now I have two strikes and a sore foot and I'm watching the taillights of my confidence fading fast. I step back to the plate and looked at the pitcher. He's old. Maybe he'll have a heart attack on the mound and I won't have to face another pitch. No such luck. The wind up...the pitch...I ain't swinging. Should have. Strike three.

But I didn't fall down! At least I didn't fall down. Right? Right?