Friday, October 03, 2008

Assault with a Deadly Ingredient

*static* "Uh, 10-4, base, this is Unit 119, come again".

"Deadly weapon of WHAT sort"?

"I'm sorry, base, repeat. It sounded like you said peanut butter".

*static* "10-4, base, Unit 119 responding to the call".

Three minutes later...

"Unit 119 urgently requesting backup!! Officer Down, Officer Down!! One officer fully engaged with jelly and another bringing the bread! Get that milk down here quick"!


Anonymous said...

Thankfully, there was a law enforcement patrol cruiser near the school, and officers were able to respond, in a JIFfy.

While responding officers were enroute, the experienced dispatcher continued trying to extract pertinent information regarding the offense: "Smooth or Chunky?"

"Who you callin' chunky?

"I mean the weapon, was it creamy or chunky?"

"Oh, I don't know...Skippy, I think."

"Officers should be on the scene momentarily - please stand by."

Due to recent budget woes, the city police force had been downsized, so the local Sheriff was the first responder.

"Hello, my name is Andy. My deputy is watching a prisoner back at the jail, so my assistant today is from the local service station."

"Hi, I'm Goober..."

Anonymous said...

Authorities attempted to ascertain the assailant's motives, but were unsuccessful.

Said the middle schooler: "Sure, I could tell you, but after all we've been through, I think it's best I kept the Reese's to myself."

Anonymous said...

Tragedy for the school district, as well as the surrounding community, was averted when the school board fended off an offer from the nation's 39th President, citing subject matter expertise, to negotiate the situation diplomatically.

Anonymous said...

Well, there goes the prospect of early graduation with honors for Joshua Hickson...what?...he's 19?!...and still in high school?!

Anonymous said...

While the would-be assailant would not grant a sit down interview with this reporter, he did allow that he had been concerned that the victim had recently been despondent and withdrawn.

Mr. Hickson believed his actions might help the victim "come out of his shell."

[muted rim-shot]

Anonymous said...

It's just all in a day's work: