Wednesday, July 30, 2008

My Apologies

The House of Representatives today finally issued an apology to African Americans for slavery and Jim Crow laws 140 years after slavery was abolished. I say it is too little too late. This is an important and meaningless gesture that all involved hope leads to continued racial harmony and world peace and butterflies landing on lollypops in green fields of stuff (but without reparations, of course).

In fact, I think we should carry our penitence a little bit further. I personally would like to also apologize to not only the African Americans but to the Native Americans since neither I nor anybody I am associated with had anything to do with their mistreatment and since their great-great-grandchildren have to live on government -subsidized casino resorts. That obviously is working well for everybody. They ought to have that alcoholism and unemployment problem licked any day now. We could at least apologize.

Since we are apologizing, let's not forget the Irish Americans and the Italian Americans who came over to this country just hoping to make a better life for their families and all we did was enable their work habits. We are enablers in this country and we should apologize for it immediately. Who knows where those poor people would have been if not for us Americans (you know, me and my family)? Why, they might have been able to, oh, I don't know, starve in Ireland or Italy? I am so sorry.

It is also time to make known our remorse publicly to the Midget Americans who came over in their tiny boats The Miniflower, The Nino, The Pint-Sized and the Santa Clauses Lap just to make a little life for themselves and have had to endure more than a little bit of cruelty in word and deed by me and my friends ever since. An apology is just what they need to make up for all of the jokes and Dwarf-tossing and misproportioned bodies that we have caused. Midget Americans across the land should stand up (oh, they are already standing) and accept my apology.

This non-rush to apologize should also include some of the most ill-fated citizens of this country, the Mustachioed Americans. For hundreds of years Americans with mustaches have been denied the American dream because of their choice of facial hair. Employers regularly deny employment to anyone sporting a Mutton chop even today and the opportunities for women with handlebar mustaches in this country lag far behind more apologetic countries in Eastern Europe. Let's save the world and spend precious resources apologizing to all who wear the FuManchu or Dripdown or Goatee or soul patch. Well, never mind the soul patch. That just looks gay.

Did I miss anybody?


Don Dodson said...

I am waiting for Congress to apologize for the discrimination of Affirmative Action, a vestige of institutionalized prejudice which treats black people as if they’re not as capable, intelligent or resourceful as those of other races. Don't you think it is time to embrace the founder's promise of equal opportunity under law and get rid of government-mandated discrimination in college admission, job applications, and the granting of contracts?

Anonymous said...

OK, then, it's official: Brenda Lee (I'm Sorry) and Steve Martin (Excuuuse me!) are my choices for President/VP. If it's OK with everyone else, of course...