Monday, August 04, 2008


Richard Cooey is a deathrow inmate in Ohio who says he is too fat to be given the lethal injection. His claim is that executioners would have trouble finding his veins and that his weight could diminish the effectiveness of one of the lethal injection drugs. He also takes a drug for migraine headaches that could interfere with the effectiveness of the...blah, blah...painful...blah, blah, blah...fat boy.

Several solutions come to mind to fix the problem for this raping murderer. He's had over twenty years to get fat on the prison diet. I've visited prisons and eaten the food and I find it hard to believe that anybody could gain weight on it but evidently Deep Dish Cooey was able to. My practical side just says to put him on bread and water for a while and force him to lose weight. You could also get a couple of Dobermans to chase him around the yard a bit. You know, for fun and exercise! Let's get Richard Simmons in there. Build up his cardio, maybe shock the abs, keep'em guessing. I know Richard would like it.

This migraine medicine problem seems pretty easy to solve, huh? Let's see, we could maybe give him another medicine to counteract the migraine medicine and give that a few months or years to work. Maybe some therapy to solve the problem behind the migraines would help. In totally unrelated news, the parents of the victims have been having migraines for about twenty years now and have actually lost some weight but that's their problem. Anyhow, I'd hate to see Tons o' Fun meet his Maker with a headache. That would be a crime.

Or we could just shoot ol' Gooey Cooey in his fat-encrusted heart. He'd be an easy target.


Anonymous said...

Well, good to see that the sensitive side of you didn't turn you soft...

With all the weird plotlines and suspense thriller movies being made these days, there ought to be some kind of a bizarre story that could be conjured up, sort of a game theory exercise, that if Mr. Lardo can navigate a maze of challenges within a certain time frame, he can cheat the Grim Reaper.

The ultimate reality show, if you will. Or, how aboutan adaptation of Richard Connell's "The Most Dangerous Game"? Mr. Cooey could be beached (well, yeah, pun intended; I was going to say abandoned) on General Zaroff's island. Survivor: Rapist. Okay, Ricky, you've got three days. Go!

What'ya figure the Nielsens would be for that?

Anonymous said...

Would it be cruel and unusual punishment to ask Mr. Cooey to portray Jabba the Hut in any yet-to-be-made installments of the Star Wars franchise?