Bly (Iron John)

What does it mean when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some poor woman alot of trouble.

Good day

There's not many things better than chocolate chip cookies hot out of the oven and a cold jug of milk.

Summary for the week so far...

I've always known I wasn't the smartest guy around...In fact, I had pretty much convinced myself I would rather be funny than smart...but sometimes I just wish smart would show up...I mean it would be nice to be at least one of the two.

Bad day for somebody...

Pretty sure somebody lost their job today. This is a trailer house sitting upside down on the side of the road. As far as I know, Obama did not cause this job loss.

Ears to You

I finally got the perfect idea for making some money. There's no overhead. No start-up costs. No franchise fees or dues to pay. I got this idea at work today as I tried to talk to an older woman on the phone about her taxes. I say "I tried" because she wound up doing most of the talking. I don't know how or why but she talked about everything she could think of. I tried to explain what she owed and she talked about the weather. I mentioned what would happen if she didn't pay her taxes and she said she didn't like Obama. I soon realized that this poor little old lady just needed someone to talk to.

That's when it hit me. I'm getting paid to listen to some old bat talk about whatever she wants. This is obviously a niche that needs to be filled and I'm just the man to do it. Sure, it drives me crazy when I'm trying to explain something important but what if that was what I was there for? Why not? I could be a professional listener. Obviously there are alot of people in this world who just need someone to talk to. I know because I try to talk to them all the time. You know who I'm talking about. You don't go visit your elderly aunt or the neighbor across the street because you know they will never let you go. I'm going to solve everybody's problems with that.

The pricing schedule has yet to be finalized but I think some people will pay pretty good money to have me sit in their living room or at their office and just say, "Uh-huh" and "really?" and the ever-popular, "tell me more". As long as you're paying I'm listening. Just ask "why is that?" or "when did that happen?" and before you know it...ka-ching baby! It's a job even I am smart enough to do. Just keep my mouth shut and ears open. Not a bad skill for everyone to learn but I'll cash in on the folks who never have.

Also, the other aspect of my services could include (for those who need just the opposite) telling my own stories. I have a million of those and for a small fee (smaller than listening to yours) I could share them with your shut-in neighbor who just needs some company. Now this would be cheaper than listening but as soon as I finish and you start to tell me your story the price goes right back up. That's the way it goes. Everybody thinks their stories are better so be prepared to pay for it. Quality listening doesn't come cheap and you get what you pay for.

So, I think at least a dollar a minute would be fair. Maybe a travel reimbursement will be included and tipping is accepted when appropriate. Democrats are extra. We can swap referrals. Nobody wants to converse with an axe-murderer. Anyway, I think it's a good deal for everybody. Goodness knows some people need it! So, tell your friends...if you can get a word in edge-wise.

Today's quote

We cannot at one and the same time show that we are clever and that Christ is wonderful.

--James Denney

Some useful info...

I am an extremely laid-back kinda guy. I rarely ever get mad. It's even more rare that I show it and I have been in only a few real fights in my life. Maybe someday I'll share some of those stories but not today. It is probably a good thing that I don't get mad easy 'cuz Hulk Hogan I ain't. More like Colonel Hogan or Ben Hogan maybe but not Hulk. Anyway, if you want to stay out of my blazing rage, I have three rules for you:

1) Never touch me. At all. Seriously. My wife and maybe a very few select family members can touch me without me taking it as a threat. Some situations are better than others (like church) but as a general rule, just don't touch me.

2) Don't point your finger at me. If you are picking me to win a prize and point and say my name in a friendly way then we have no problem but if you have a problem with me and wag your finger at me I'm going to take that as a threat. You have made it clear to me that you want to fight. Even worse is a finger poke in the chest. You leave me no choice but to physically convince you not to do that.

3) Raising your voice in anger is how non-adults start fights and I'm just childish enough to retaliate physically. Don't yell at me. We can resolve any conflict with our inside voices. If you scream at me I have to assume you want to go to Fist City and I'll lead us there.

That's it. Up to a point you can do almost anything without making me very mad. Calling me names doesn't really bother me. You really have to purposefully do me wrong to make me want to fight. Even then, I'm not the biggest or toughest guy on the block but I will give you one more hint: I AM armed. Have a great day!

Me blog you long time!

Comments to my last post from オナニー:


逆援助
SEX
フェラチオ
ソープ
逆援助
出張ホスト
手コキ
おっぱい
フェラチオ
中出し
セックス
デリヘル
包茎
逆援
性欲

My first international comments! And if my Mandarin is correct the translation is "my last possum just parked in a handicapped zone" but I may be off. Not sure what the second word is.

And now to illustrate...

The Four Rules
1. All firearms are always loaded.
2. Never let the muzzle of a firearm point at anything you are not willing to destroy.
3. Keep your finger off the trigger until you are ready to shoot.
4. Be sure of your target and what lies beyond it.

"Now, class, always make sure thatBOOM!!!"

Gary

I'm gonna miss my friend Gary! He died last night after 33 months with glioblastoma which is alot longer than the doctors expected. God was incredibly good to bless Gary with few symptoms and a great attitude all the way to the end. He made me laugh and inspired me and lived how Jesus would appreciate. This picture would have been clearer if both of us hadn't been laughing so hard. Thanks, Gary, for everything!

Edit: Please read http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?id=27851

and http://glioman.blogspot.com/

h/t: http://dondodson.blogspot.com/

Satan

Sorry for the weird formatting. I couldn't figure out how to do it any other way. Maybe it's because you are supposed to buy it but it also says that even if you don't buy it to at least watch it.

We could be in Acapulco right now.

I'm sick of cold weather. I'm especially sick of it when I think I was there last winter.

James and I don't understand.

In the front of my Bible there is a note that I wrote to remind myself of an important date. The note reads, "I was saved Feb. 16, 1975". I grew up in a Christian family but still probably did not completely understand what all "saved" entailed in 1975. And that's okay. If we waited until we completely understood everything none of us would ever make that decision. For me, as a small child, I knew enough to know that everybody did things that were wrong and I wanted Jesus to come into my life and forgive me and I wanted to go to Heaven and that was pretty much all I knew about it. Looking back, I realize that's all I had to know. I also realize how much more there is to know.

Today I visited my friend James in the nursing home. James is 65 years old and has always had the mind of about a 6-7 year old. He has always been slow-minded and he has always had a child-like loving heart and loves to go to church. But now dementia has taken away my friend and he doesn't even respond to me. I don't think he recognizes me at all. He lives in a dreary, smelly old place with dreary, smelly old people that he does not know nor do they really know him. He shares a tiny room with another man and has two pictures of his mother hanging on the wall. A tv set sits on a small dresser. That's all the possessions he has. He has nothing to do all day but watch tv. And I have to admit that all I can really do for him is pray that God takes him soon.

The older I get and the more I think I know about God, the more I realize I don't understand. I don't understand why bad things happen to good people, or why good things happen to bad people. I don't understand why God allows some things or if he causes some things to happen and just allows other things to happen. I don't understand alot of things. You can ask my wife or my boss about that, but I am beginning to understand that this life is all about having a relationship with God and not just knowing facts about Him. So someday I will ask Him all those things but until then I will trust Him. And I look forward to seeing my friend James there too. I do know that.

AMT .380

Life is full of compromises. Not the least of which is deciding what gun is right for you. My little AMT .380 gets nothing but grief from everybody that ever sees it. It is very small. There is no safety and no sights. It only holds five rounds and the .380 is on the fringe of what most consider to be caliber enough to be a man-stopper. Lots of people that have had an AMT complain about reliability. In the gun world, this is the ugly stepchild.

This was the first pistol I ever owned. I bought it new with my own money when I was probably still a teenager. I carried it concealed one way or the other for about twenty years. I carried it in my boot or inside my waistband and sometimes in my pocket and sometimes still do even though I have a bigger, better gun. I often had failure to fires at the gun range until it got completely broken-in and often thought about trying to trade for something else but knew it had a bad reputation.

The biggest problem I have with it now is trying to find and pay for ammo. It is not nor was it designed to be a target pistol or a bear-slayer. It doesn't have lasers or adjustable carbon fiber diode gas-impinged night sights. The grips are not ivory or even wood. It's not comfortable to shoot nor does it make a big hole in the paper. It's not alot of things but it is considerably better than nothing at all and if you want concealability in a snag-free frame I will be one of the few to choose the compromising little AMT.

Gotta love Ambien!

Wow. That's all I can say. When I woke up this morning I thought, "I better check and see what I wrote last night". What an idiot! It's sorta like a good story, though. I think a good story should be told even if it makes me look bad. Same thing with late night drug-induced blog posts. I'm leaving it up there, misspellings and all cuz it's funny! When was the last time you heard "oom boppa mow mow"? I don't even know. Wow.

Ramblin' Fever

My legs are shaking. My eyes are glazing. My brain is...bored! I'm obviously succumbing to the fever of the road and I gotta get out of here soon but it's way too cold! All I can do is think about where I want to be in about four months. Well, maybe three. Should I go to California?

Or maybe I should go to Big Bend here in Texas.

Or maybe a beautiful ride through what could easily be home--somwhere in Dixie. I miss the mountains but don't want to be cold. Yet anything would be better than going to work every day and then coming home to the highlight of seeing if somebody wants to be my Facebook friend. I picture a mountain road winding back on itself over and over with fresh air and no tpr reports with me riding naked, rubbing green jello on myself and singing "oom boppa mowmow" and saying"Wee!" when I go down the mountain shooting my pistol at birds high above. What time is it? UhOh, half past Ambien. No wonder. Let's all go to bed, huh?

Gubernatorial Debate

Huh, huh! I said guber! Seriously, I thought tonight's debate for Texas Governor was very impressive. Very well done and I have to admit: Medina looked pretty good. Does anybody else see Perry and Hutchinson as disgusting, typical politicians? Is a vote for Medina gonna be Ross Perot'd off? She seemed to have answers when the others tried to blame either Washington D.C. or each other. They all had some tough questions. Hmmm...

Can't wait

You know what's better than a raise? You know what's better than respect or recognition? You wanna know what really has morale pumping in my office? Jean Day. Yep. Tomorrow is Jean Day and you can almost feel the electricity of skyrocketing morale as we all contemplate the age-old question of Wranglers or Levi's. Man, this makes up for everything.

He didn't need it anyway.

For my 500th blog post I would like to give this thought: How do either one of them ever live this down?!

I'm not even trying to google a good picture of this.

Help for Haiti

Please go to the link on this page for Samaritan's Purse to donate to helping Haiti. I've worked several times with this group and know that money sent through them will be well-spent. I really want to go there to help and maybe I can soon but for now they just need money. I'm sure the Red Cross would be great as well but Samaritan's Purse also meets spiritual needs of hurting people. Also on Facebook.

Sunset

Sometimes I think God is just showing off. And why shouldn't He? If you can pull off a show like this, more power to ya. I guess that would be "all power to ya". Anyway, the picture, of course, doesn't do it justice. There is even a rainbow on the far left that doesn't show up on my camera phone as I drive down the highway. I guess if you can literally move the heavens then my problems don't sound like such a big deal, huh?

Gun names

In the mid-1980's the U.S. military adopted the Beretta 92FS to become its standard issue sidearm. They immediately called it the M9. Dozens of manufacturers produce a Model 1911. It's also known as the 1911/A1. It mainly is known to come in .45 ACP but also comes in almost any number of other calibers. A Model 70 Winchester rifle can come in almost any caliber from .22 to .458. The military's rifle is the popular M-16. It's also known as the M-16A1, M-16A2, M4, AR-15 and it shoots the .223 round which is also known as the 5.56 mm.

Still with me? Good grief, I don't even know what I'm talking about! All I know is that guns should have names, not numbers. Not names like SIG Sauer (why is the sig in all caps but not the sauer?) or Garand or Walther. I don't think these people know how to spell. I think guns need more nicknames so I know which one people are talking about. I like "Ma Deuce" or "Burp Gun" or "Grease Gun". Even "Tommy Gun". I know what that looks like. It even has more nicknames: "Trench Broom", "Chicago Piano" or "Chopper". Any of them are better than "Thompson submachine gun".

I know of at least one "Poodle-Shooter" and a few called "Ol' Faithful" or "Tiny" or "Big Boy". I'll just call my pistol "Bill". It's short, plain, and nothing fancy. It fits. I don't have a name for my shotgun but maybe "Mudfence" because nothing can be pretty with that name. So, what do you have? "Padre" or "Buzzsaw" or "Cereal Killer"? Maybe a "Screamin' Meemie" or a "Bugle"? Just don't tell me you have an AR-10A4 SPR or I'll get ol "Loudmouth" after ya!

I fell off the bandwagon.

Gotta be honest here. All I can think about is how all you folks that thought Jerry Jones was the anti-Christ for firing Tom Landry now think he walks on water. Somebody explain why I shouldn't have a problem with it. The argument that "it's just a game" works both ways. If it's just a game then why should I (or you folks on the bandwagon) care?

Storytime in Parts

--Part XVI--

Master Special Officer Craig Miller had been stationed at the Secret Service headquarters in Washington D.C. since just before the 1950 assassination attempt on President Truman. He had been a New York police investigator for seven years and had served six years in the military. He had risen quickly through the ranks and was now the lead agent of the White House branch of the Secret Service in charge of protecting the president. He was a stocky 6'2" with a short flat-top haircut. His dark gray suit was custom made to accomodate his large frame as well as a sidearm in a holster on his hip. He also carried a multi-band communication radio, a surveillance kit, a large personal pocket knife and his identification badge. There were no photos of friends or loved ones in his wallet.

Miller had seen combat. He had seen death. He had gone headfirst and eyes open into places no man should ever see. He had undured training that would literally kill most men and had received even more scars than he had medals. He was prepared for any contingiency, ready to take a bullet or defuse a bomb. His fellow agents joked that Miller could kill a man with a sponge if he had to. Everyone respected Master Special Officer Miller. Everyone except the one contingiency for whom Miller had failed to train. Now this contingiency stood staring up at him unimpressed.

"Whatd'ya do with Teddy?"

Miller looked at the little ragamuffin through his ever-present sunglasses and said, "Excuse me?"

"Where's my dog?"

"I...I...don't know."

"Well, where's Don? He'll know."

"Don who?", said the agent.

President Eisenhower was talking a few feet away with Officer Blunt in very animated yet subdued tones and had left Marilyn with his most trusted security officer. They were all standing in the hotel lobby having just left the chaos of the reception outside and entered into another chaos inside as the hotel staff, various reporters, city and state dignitaries and their entourages as well as muliple layers of security personnel all hovered around being very busy with the arrival of the most powerful man in the country. This most powerful man called his most trusted agent's name so he could come over to verify some of Blunt's story and that is when the most powerful man and the most trusted agent lost sight of the unplanned-for contingiency.

As Marilyn ran, she was now sure this was the worst thing that could happen. She would never have dreamed that the police and the President of the United States would all gang up on her and her dog all because somebody thought Teddy had bitten them. It was not even true! How could this happen? She had to save Teddy again so she made a break for the door. Nobody paid any attention as the young waif sifted quickly through the mass of people and hit the exit running. Just as she passed through the door she heard her named called from somebody inside the hotel and from somebody outside the hotel. She ran even faster now. She had to save Teddy!

Storytime in Parts

--Part XV--

Marilyn hardly noticed the drop of sweat heading down her back from the back of her head. She no longer heard the marching band from the local high school playing an uninspired version of "Hail to the Chief". She did not notice the woman across from her waving a flag nor did she even realize that Don and Teddy were no longer standing next to her. She could not smell the exhaust fumes from the black limo just a few feet away and yet, with all her senses being bombarded, the one thing she noticed was his after-shave.

She was reminded of her grandfather and while the smell was not totally unpleasant, Marilyn felt very uncomfortable. Her vexation was multiplied by the fact that she was obviously in the wrong place at the wrong time. She recognized Officer Blunt as he put his hand on her shoulder and spoke to her and at the same time the President of the United States was introducing himself to her and looking at Blunt like Blunt should be saying something or doing something else. A Secret Service officer was now standing on the other side of her talking into a radio all the while people all around her cheered and the band played mercilessly on.

The president repeated himself. "Dwight Eisenhower", and added, "What's your name, sweetheart?"

With still no response the president looked at Blunt and then quickly glanced at some of the crowd. He was getting mixed feedback coming from the body language of the people around him. He expected the girl's parents to be there with her but nobody seemed to be with her and yet the local policeman seemed to know her and yet the poor child was filthy and smelled of mud and pancakes. He was used to meeting people who froze up when they were introduced but the child seemed to be considerably more worried about the young officer. To make matters more awkward the girl seemed to be handing him a syrup-smeared dinner plate. In just a few seconds the president went from Commander-In-Chief confident to just plain confused.

He took the plate, looked at it and said, "Oh...thank you?" His voice was more questioning than grateful. His smile was now awkward and forced. As he was just about to walk off from the graceless encounter Officer Blunt spoke up.

"Her name is Marilyn...Mr. President. She's...umm... with me." Blunt, like the others, was trying to recover his wits.

The president looked relieved at getting even this much information. At least he could work with it.

"Well, Marilyn, is this your daddy?", he said with a patronizing grin.

"No!", said Marilyn excitedly and emphasized, "And I am not with him!"

The presidential grin was replaced with a confused scowl as Eisenhower looked expectantly at Blunt now. The Secret Service officer was gently trying to remind the president of his schedule but was given a curt "just a minute" finger. The band leader was unsure how many stanzas of "Hail to the Chief" he should play and an awkward laugh followed an untimely "We like Ike!" hollered from a man in the crowd.

Officer Blunt tried to explain but stammered around so long that finally the pressured president interrupted and with his shoulders settled and his hands on his hips said firmly, "Look, I want both of you to come with me right now". The Secret Service officer took this as his cue and ushered the president, Blunt and Marilyn into the hotel.

The confused head-tilt of Teddy seemed to summarize the situation as he stood next to Don watching at a distance.

Storytime in Parts

--Part XIV--

Marilyn's mother still sat at the family's modest kitchen table. She stared, hardly blinking, at the back of her left hand without noticing the hand or the table cloth on which she rested it. She failed to notice the smell of the fresh coffee her husband had made before he left to look for his daughter. She had long since quit noticing any other smells or hearing the usual sounds of life in her house. The dark wooden paneling on the walls, the humm of a passing car, the warmth of the sun as it sneaked across the window of the room. All evaded her senses at this point as she stared blankly with her head down.

Twenty-eight years old with pleasant features and a matriarchal confidence usually found in women much older, she now felt so many feelings internally that it seemed to block out any external stimuli. Her daughter had been missing for nearly two full days and her initial concern now included feelings of guilt, wrapped in panic and now starting to subsume a repressed sense of anger. She did not want to feel angry and tried to explain to herself why she should not be and yet she seemed to be losing that mental self-debate. She let her mind argue with itself of the justification for her being mad.

She, of course, was not mad at Marilyn or really anybody else for that matter. Like a crisis usually does, the situation with Marilyn had prompted her to think about the big questions of life. She now thought of not only the "wheres" and "whens" of Marilyn's disappearance but also the "whys". Why would God do this to a precious child? Did God actually do this or as their preacher had said, did God just allow such things but not cause them? If God allows evil things to happen then it must be for some reason and if it is for His reason then is that any different than causing it to happen? This course of thought led her to feelings of enmity between her and "The Almighty".

Her well-worn Bible lay on the table next to her. She was as accustomed to using it as she was the salt shaker on the table next to it. It had given great comfort many other times in her life as well as good news and practical information on the best ways to live so she instinctively picked it up from the spot where she had her daily semi-quiet times. Between making meals and tending to household business she tried to always make time to read a few passages daily and then talk to God about her family and friends, asking His blessings and wisdom for them all. This time she just needed some questions answered.

Just the act of opening it up to the Book of Job and seeing her own handwriting in the margins brought a distinct peace and a certain level of understanding to the situation that surprised her with its swiftness. She realized that she knew some of the answers and also that some things had to be accepted with faith. She may never understand how prayer works but it fell off of her tongue in humble appreciation, "God, thank you for taking care of my sweet Marilyn." She paused and added with what may have been the slightest of smile, "and Teddy too."

JD

The death of a dog may not compare to the death of a human and I will not minimize your human loss in the least but, as I told someone today, I learned more about love and loss from JD than from most any person I've ever known. He has been gone five years today and I still hope to someday be the man of character that he was.

Would you rather have this or Easter bunny boy?

There's gotta be a caption in there somewhere...

My Santa is better than my Easter Bunny.

Does this cottontail make my butt look big?

I'm unwanted.

Good news from the forsaken desert of Mormon delight that is Utah! I called the court today to check on the status of my arrest warrant and evidently my letter to the judge worked. I am officially no longer a fugitive. My bandit days of glory are over and now I have to readjust to normal life no longer in fear of every siren or flashing light. Hopefully, I can continue this life on the straight and narrow but there are no guarantees. The illicit high of living on the edge of right and wrong is calling me back to the life I was born to lead. Danger and scandal are in my blood. I'm a highwayman with a black Shadow and I'm born to run. Just not to Utah.

I need a scam.

Years and years ago I worked for a guy who was a pretty good business man. In fact, his business continues to grow and thrive even today. I remember talking to him one time about how it seemed to me that everybody had some kind of scam going on. Everybody seemed to have something shady but lucrative going on and I was thinking out loud to him one day about how crazy it seemed to me that people worked so hard to try to make a few extra bucks by trying to rip somebody else off.

He heartily agreed with me that if people would just put as much effort into legitimate ventures that everybody would be so much better off. We seemed to be of the exact same mind about the detriment to everybody involved when it came to illegal, immoral or even under-handed dealings with people and that we could hardly stand people who were "scammers". In the next breath he went on to tell me that the "only thing" he had going on was this complicated scheme he had been doing with his federal taxes and maybe a few minor kickbacks to some local movers and shakers. You know. That's all.

I look back and realize that was my first step into Crazytown. It is the ultimate naivete to think you are not naive. I have at last come to the realization that I am the only one left in the world not trying to pull something over on somebody else and I'm tired of it. I want in! I hope all the good scams aren't gone yet. I am actually a big fan of a good scam. In fact, I hate to admit it but evidently Al Gore is a smoking genius! I mean look at this whole climate change deal. We first heard it called "global warming" and when that title failed to fit he just called it something else and said it was now even worse. Now the only way I can prevent polar bears from drowning and kids in Somalia from starving is to pay money. Genius!

Hitler once said that if you tell a big enough lie enough times that pretty soon people will believe you. So I'm working on my scam but don't worry, it's going to be big. Well, maybe not "climate change" big or "Obamacare" big but still pretty big. I need something, though, that will be as big or bigger than my previous boss or even the boss I have now, who's scam is to make everybody feel bad so she feels good. It's even working out pretty well for her and she's no smarter than I am. So, this is just a warning. Be careful around me because I could be using you in some way for my profit. It could happen! Oh, wait...maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Dangit! I already messed up! Nevermind.

A great addition to a classic!

I rarely even add any comments to the comments about anything I post much less post a comment as a post. Make sense? But I have to make an exception here with a comment from my last post about being a lonesome fugitive. I enjoy reading any comment a reader has to make but this anonymous reader evidently had enough time on his hands to write a few new verses to a good old Merle Haggard / Willie Nelson tune and, I have to admit, would make them proud with it. Now, if you don't know the tune to "Pancho and Lefty" then get off my blog! Go read that Daily Kos guy or Perez Hilton or something, you communist, puppy-killing, scumbag! Anyhow, it's too bad, DR, that it will have to stay anonymous and nobody will ever know what geezy riding, cb-talking, Shakespeare-referencing, Latin-speaking, long story-telling loyal reader ever wrote this. Yep, too bad. Oh, well. So...just in case you missed it go back to the comments section of the last post. Merle and Willie and I recommend it.

I'm a lonesome fugitive.

I knew this double life would catch up to me sooner or later. I just hate for it to end like this. I'm a wanted man now. An outlaw. A desperado with a checkered past and now I'm on the run. Don't try to stop me and I can't take you with me. It's too dangerous for you and you would only slow me down. It has to be like this so be strong.

I just got a letter in the mail from Justice Court of Uintah County, State of Utah. It is a warrant for my arrest commanding all peace officers in the state of Utah to attach my body (whatever that means) before the court asap. To be served day or night, Sunday or holidays. Evidently, that terminology is only used for the really hardened criminals like myself who are convicted of the crime of...wait for it...you'll love it...wait for it..."improper lane travel w/ crash". Yep! They gave me a ticket for crashing my motorcycle in their state.

My last memory was riding down the road, no alcohol or excessive speed involved, and then waking up in the hospital. I still don't know who found me as I was unconcious for several hours and when I woke up in the hospital there was a traffic ticket literally stuck in my pocket! So, evidently, the state trooper who was first on the scene took my gun from my possesion and replaced it with a ticket for not signaling that I was about to crash. He crammed a ticket into the front pocket of my lifeless body and then drove home with my pistol!

So, let this be a lesson to you, kids. Make sure your lane travel w/ crash is proper or at least don't do it improperly in Uintah County Utah because now I must be moving on. They'll never catch me alive because I can't go back to the Mormon Big House, you hear me?! I can't. It's a life of the bandit wanderer for me now, always one step ahead of the law. I looked for trouble and I found it, son, straight down the barrel of a lawman's gun... oh, wait, that's my gun!

Santa 09

My second year to be Santa for some special needs kids and I had a blast! Look at all the candy canes in her hand. This was the second time she came to see me and said she had six more siblings that needed candy canes. I would have given her the whole bag of candy canes if she wanted!

The Symphony

I saw both ends of the spectrum today. I had to go to the Walmarts (my wife says I should quit calling it that) and I saw a perfect mullet, a woman in total camo from her pants to her shirt to her cap, and one of the fattest people I have ever seen. In the time it took me to get some medicine and get out of there I felt I lost about 50 IQ points. This evening, though, was just the opposite. My sister invited some of the family to go to the symphony and we had a great time. We all got dressed up and I acted like I was not a brain-dead redneck long enough to feel some brain cells almost come back to life. I'm sorry the picture is not better but it shows how close we were to the orchestra. I could have read the music, well...if I could read music. Wow! The sound was incredible! The musicians were incredibly talented and we had front-row seats to see and hear as well or better than the conductor himself. I went to their website and the first chair violinist plays a 1710 Stradivari worth millions of dollars. I can't even comprehend that! Do you know how much camo you could buy with that kinda money?

I guess this makes me a climate change "denier"

Just more evidence...

Interesting but never gonna happen...


h/t Landshark

Could it be?

It's very rare that I even try to predict anything and even rarer when I'm right about something . Ok, this is the first time but I would say it's a pretty big deal! I don't want to...actually, I do want to tell you that I told you so. Global warming is a complete and total hoax.

To Bob

Dear Sideshow Bob, I thought you would appreciate the next few posts. Enjoy. I did.

Homer and Joe

Who doesn't love unicorns?

Marge and Sarah

Hutz and Putz

Lenny and Barack

You asked...

Separated at birth

Awww...

You'd have sad eyes too if a sasquatch died of old age on your face.

Timely (from 1953)

"A gun is a tool, Marion. No better or no worse than any other tool: an axe, a shovel or anything. A gun is as good or as bad as the man using it. Remember that."

Thank you!

When I went to the State Fair last month I walked through the Texas Vietnam Veterans Memorial set up just inside Fair Park. I was looking at all the names etched into the granite walls and found a couple with my last name. I don't think we are related but I stood there thinking about all those names and the men they represent. Evidently, during the fair, they have a couple men there to answer questions and help people find certain names. As I was standing at the wall staring at the names a man in a "Vietnam Veteran" hat came up and quietly asked if I had any names on the wall.

"Excuse me?", I asked.

"Do you have loved ones on the wall?"

"No, sir", was all I managed to get out.

He then simply said, "Thank you for coming by."

I shook his hand with both of mine but wasn't able to say anything for the huge lump in my throat and that lump comes back as I write this. I wanted to tell him how much I appreciated his service. I wanted to say some grand "Thank You!" with a long speech about how we all owe him and all veterans a huge debt but all I could do was shake his hand. I think he understood.

I was very humbled today to welcome home a plane-load of troops at the airport this morning. Again, I was unable to thank each one or give them all gifts or make any speeches but I was able to cheer some and clap until my hands hurt as did a huge group of others. The troops were obviously very glad to be back and very appreciative of our presence there and while I can't say to each one how much I appreciate their sacrifice, I think, I hope they too understand.

Yeah, we should be pro people-who-kill-us.

Ok, at this point why should I not be anti-Muslim? And why would my government want me to pro-Muslim? The hijackers on 9/11 were Muslim. The people blowing us up in Iraq and Afghanistan are Muslim. The wacko who just shot up Fort Hood was...wait for it, Muslim. And yet our President sucks up to them like they are his future father-in-law and now Janet Napolitano wants to make sure we don't get upset with them and their religion of peace. What's going on here?

Edit: Lagniappe wonders something similar.