Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Deathly serious -- putting the fun back in funeral

I don't know what has made me think about this lately but I feel the need to express my last wishes. Ok, not the last wishes I ever have but, you know, my wishes for when I'm gone. Well, not when I'm really gone because if I'm gone I can't really wish for anything but, anyhow, wishes for my funeral. I'm not dying, at least not any faster than anyone else, I just want to be prepared.

The details of what is said and sung at my funeral are not all that important to me, actually. There are lots of good old hymns that might be appropriate or maybe some worship songs could be sung by friends who do that kind of thing. It's a tough question to answer when asked what one wants people to say at your funeral. He was nice. He was a good guy. He didn't sweat much for a fatty. Whatever. Hopefully that part will be short.

What I want is a party! Seriously, a fun party! I don't want people to leave thinking about how much they are going to miss me. I want 'em to leave thinking about what a fun funeral that was. My sister said years ago that she wanted everybody at her funeral to wear shorts and eat pizza! What a great idea! Maybe if I die first I can steal her idea. What's she gonna say?! But if not, I'll have to go with everybody wearing funny hats and singing karoake. How about that? Yes, I want karaoke in the church by my casket with the lid up so I can hear it! It's my funeral and you better do it, or else!


Shay said...

Oh, great. Just what everyone needs. Seeing Dewey in a tiara singing He Stopped Loving Her Today and The Donald wearing a sombrero singing Another One Bites the Dust!

The Donald said...

Well, sure Shay, there's that. I was also thinking it could be in a game show format: you could be Alex Trebek or Pat Sajak. I would do a karaoke of the Eagles' "Already Gone", then you announce the game show segment where I roll in on Todd's motorcycle to Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive", Dew (having replaced his tiara with mascara) does Alice Cooper's "No More Mr. Nice Guy". You join us onstage for a 3 part harmony remake of Simon/Garfunkel/Taylor's remake of Sam Cooke's "Wonderful World".

Then, Todd sits up for a finale, sings the Eagles' "I Don't Want to Hear Any More", and closes the lid.

As the roadies, er, pallbearers come in to move the coffin (I recommend the 'toe pincher' design, as in the picture), Dew, shirtless and in leather pants, performs a gospel version of "Stairway to Heaven".

Anonymous said...

And remember, at RTR Funeral Homes: If you're looking for dignity - Go Somewhere Else!

The Donald said...

Then again, Dew could choreograph a huge, raucous centerpiece number for the event, with an audience sing along to "Live and Let Die", preceded by AC/DC's bells and cannon (though Todd's destination would be different from what Angus Young suggests).

Co-officiant of the service would be a cameo by Ozzy, with subtitled IMs displayed on a JumboTron overhead.

Wow, the mind reels at the possibilities!

Anonymous said...

Why do all the possiblities have me shirtless wearing leather pants and belting hard rock songs!!!!!!!!!!

You know I love show tunes!!!



The Donald said...

Dew - I'm not the one who put you in a tiara.

Typecasting, maybe?

BTW, I sold all my [4] sombreros at a garage sale last year, will have to borrow one. Too bad, really, one of them was a perfect 'Three Amigos' style.

todd said...

Good grief (pun intended), you freaks! I didn't intend to make you look forward to my funeral!

Anonymous said...

"My dearest Rhonda:

If I should go before you, there is a $5000 insurance policy in the bank box, purchased for the specific purpose of sending Shay, Dewey and Don to Buenos Aires so that they will not be in the country for my services.

I want my funeral to be a circus of my choosing, not theirs.

Love, Todd"

your favorite sister said...

I'm glad you were paying attention to my last wishes, and you can steal my idea if you go first. Although at my funeral, I want Rockband instead of Kareoke. Carry on oh wayward sons...

The Donald said...

"I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say...

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you."

I should stop now before I reach The Point of Know Return.

Yeah, I was a Kansas fan in the '70s.