Ugh.

That's the best way to describe me right now. Ugh. It's 3:30 Wednesday morning and I'm obviously wide awake. Sorry, no more midnight Ambien posts anymore, by the way. I dropped that stuff about a month or so ago and usuually sleep great but tonight for some reason I can't. I went to bed early and fell right to sleep but woke up about 1:30 with my mind racing.

Well, between my mind racing and Dori wanting up on the bed, I couldn't sleep. Lots of things to think about. I'm going dove hunting in a few hours and looking forward to that. I just took the Civil Service Exam and did well. I'll find out about my score mid-month. I may have a stalker. I found one flea on one dog yesterday for the first time all year. I think I may know a great secret to how church should be done. My computer runs ALOT faster without a certain filter on it and I'm working on plans to build a storage shed out back.

Now with all that stuff to think about, what's on my mind as I wake up? Ex-wife, divorce. What a waste. Ugh. Long pause...OK, I'm not going to give you everything. In fact I may delete this post later and consider writing it as therapy. Heaven knows I need that. Don't we all? Anyway, my mind keeps coming back to how much has been wasted. The divorce was final about 2 months ago and she has been gone from the house about 5 months. I keep finding stuff that has to do with her and throwing it out or giving it to her or her mom. Pictures, keepsakes, documents...stuff. As far as I know, there is nothing with her picture or name anywhere in the house except for some Christmas stuff I need to get from the attic. I deleted every picture of her or her family from the computer and online. I chunked or sold everything else because I don't want to be reminded of her but that process is excruciating.

Looking at wedding pictures, for example, is a whoopin'! What a great day that was! All my friends and family were there and everybody was having such a good time. My first grade teacher even came! Now looking at those pictures all I see is a waste of time, money, effort, emotions and resources. I threw away pictures of the family vacations we took to Schlitterbaun. All those love notes, birthday cards and anniversary cards I had been saving: trash. Notes from my parents saying how much they loved both of us and were so proud of us. Notes from her parents saying I was the best thing to happen to their daughter. All of it is a waste of paper now. All because of choices she made. Because raising kids is hard. Because staying married is difficult. Because doing the right thing means continuing to do the right thing.

So, what's the lesson learned here? What have I learned through all of this? It's the same lesson that our kids have unfortunately learned from it as well, I'm sure. They are grown now and are working on becoming responsible citizens on their own and I'm sure that we have all learned the same lesson: never get married and if you do then absolutely don't ever have kids. That's what we have learned. How sad. What a waste. Ugh.