Blog? I thought you said Dog!

Friday, October 03, 2008

Assault with a Deadly Ingredient

*static* "Uh, 10-4, base, this is Unit 119, come again".

"Deadly weapon of WHAT sort"?

"I'm sorry, base, repeat. It sounded like you said peanut butter".

*static* "10-4, base, Unit 119 responding to the call".

Three minutes later...

"Unit 119 urgently requesting backup!! Officer Down, Officer Down!! One officer fully engaged with jelly and another bringing the bread! Get that milk down here quick"!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

That's pretty drunk!

Let me set the scene for you. It's Tuesday night in Florida and that means it's Ladies Night down at the DewDropInn. Anybody that's anybody shows up on Tuesday night. They're shooting pool and darts and sometimes each other but rarely do they shoot themselves. John has brought his best girl Sylvia to the Inn tonight and he's having a good time. Sure, Johnny has had a few to drink but it's ok. Sylvia will drive home. He doesn't want the night to end. He's already planning on calling in sick tomorrow and he probably will be sick the way he's drinking.

Back at the house...

"Woooo, Sylbia...you looking good tonight and ...(something you couldn't understand nor could I repeat here) ....like I like...(unintelligible)...one more beer...(blah, blah)...off dat dress". He ends the serenade with another, "WOOWOO" and blacks out for a second but comes back to and makes his best move. She pushes him down and walks to the spare bedroom.

"That's...last straw", says Johnny, "Shes nussin widout me!" He reaches in the nightstand next to him and pulls out the .22 revolver "his cousin gave him" and puts it to his head. He'll show her! He hears the gun go "bang" so loud it gives him a headache but all it did was knock over the lamp. "What the...?" Sights must be off. He debates: in the mouth, in the temple, hold it gangsta style...Bang!! "Dangitt!", says Johnny.

Out of bullets, Johnny stumbles to the spare room with his arm bleeding and says something about shooting Sylvia while looking at his arm, wondering how that happened. "I don't have to live this way", he says with a headache, his arm bleeding and his stomach getting queasy. "Soon as I make myself a sandwi...OWW!" as he bumped into the doorframe of the kitchen. Sylvia looks up from her pillow. "Next commercial, I'll call 911".

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Is this even still a crime in LA?

I nearly did the same thing at the walmarts the other day. Kids these days...(say in Grampa Simpson voice)...why, back in my day they let me cut in line...and they liked it! I remember one time I was standing in line with an onion on my belt, cuz it was the style at the time, when...what was I saying? Oh, well.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Graves Disease

If I have been rude to you, fallen asleep while you talked or stared at you with my eyes bugging out, this website that my friend Gary found may explain some of that. Or maybe I was just so shocked that you are such a jerk that I fell asleep. It could happen.

Credit crunch?

I just got an email from my credit card company saying my limit had been upped to something crazy. I think I'll go buy a house.

Sharkbait or hero?

Would you do this for your dog? I would like to think I would.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Why are these men so sad?

Has Joe Biden

Doesn't have Judge Alito

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Because I can...

Just because I didn't want any of my loyal fans to have to look at either Lyin' Al Gore or Fancypants Aiken when they did their hourly check-in, here's a picture that is better. (I'm home sick, by the way, so enjoy these brief moments of creativity while they last.)

Gore urges more stupidity

"If you're a young person looking at the future of this planet and looking at what is being done right now, and not done, I believe we have reached the stage where it is time for civil disobedience to prevent the construction of new coal plants that do not have carbon capture and sequestration," Gore told the Clinton Global Initiative gathering to loud applause.

Wow #1: Gore can still get a speaking gig.

Wow #2: People applaud him like they are listening.

Wow #3: He just told young people they should break the law.

He's right. And left. And wrong.

Clay Aiken has come out of the closet and admitted he's gay. Shocker. In the article he says, "I don't really feel like I have anybody to answer to but myself and God and the people I love." It's that whole answering to God part that's the doozy.

Exodus 20:14

1 Corinthians 6:9-10

1 Corinthians 5:1

Ephesians 5:3

Leviticus 18:22

Deuteronomy 23:17

Leviticus 20:13

Romans 1:24-27

1 Timothy 1:10

Fortunately for Clay there are also:

(Jeremiah 29:11-13 NKJV) For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. {12} Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. {13} And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

(Romans 10:10-13 NKJV) For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. {11} For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame." {12} For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. {13} For "whoever calls on the name of the LORD shall be saved."

Jeremiah 33:8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me.

1 John 2:12 KJV I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name's sake.

He beat me to it.

I started to do the exact same thing. Now it would be just like I was trying to copy-cat him again.

Cleaning up after Gustav

Here are a few pics of our trip to Donaldsonville, LA a couple of weeks ago. Five of us from my church went there to chainsaw trees and tarp some roofs messed up by the hurricane. We also got to talk to some folks about Jesus so it was a good time. It was good to be able to help. Samaritan's Purse had everything we needed.

PETA knows breast

http://www.wnbc.com/news/17539627/detail.html

In totally unrelated news, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and all restaurants in Switzerland will soon declare bankruptcy.

Farm cows groan in pain.

Oh, No! What's this world coming to?

Please tell me it's not true! Actually, I didn't know Bette Midler was still alive, much less touring and even much less, has a fleet of trucks to help her do it!

Three things I have in common with Bette Midler:

1) I wear old clothes.

2) I recycle.

3) I'm not news.

The Skunk Defense

It would be cruel and unusual to be his cellmate!

Should we bail out Big Popcorn?

My friend Don has the best description of the financial crisis going on in an easy-to-read way right here but the real question is: How is it going to affect me and my popcorn consumption? Have you priced popcorn lately? Not movie popcorn. My ARPM (adjustable rate popcorn mortgage) ballooned and burst when I saw Batman a few weeks ago and scared the whole theater! I got Flabbie Mac to give me a loan so I got the large tub with extra butter. (He said I could afford it!) Anyway, movie popcorn has always been expensive but have you priced regular popcorn lately? Through the roof! My wife and I made a popcorn investment the other day at WalMart (or, "the walmarts" as the rednecks say in my neighborhood. ie; I gotta go to the walmarts to get some new camo for church sunday!). We purchased a box of microwave popcorn and some stove top popcorn and 2 containers of shakeable butter and nacho flavoring. $174! Or something like that. Sent our whole household economy into a tailspin. I blame Willie Nelson. Stupid Biodiesel.