Good idea Sen. Kennedy!

Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, yesterday said his priority during the new Congressional session next year will be to require employers to boost the minimum wage from $5.15 to $7.25 per hour, and to increase the minimum levels of service required to earn such a wage.

“In exchange for higher pay,” said Sen. Kennedy, D-MA, “my bill would require that minimum-wage workers increase their service to their employers and customers to some federally-mandated minimum levels.”

Although precise service standards are still under development, the chairman of the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions distributed the following working draft of proposed minimum service levels for the retail industry.

In retail establishments, to avoid a federal prison sentence, a minimum-wage worker shall…

– offer the customer a sincere, cheerful greeting, rather than a surly grunt, head jerk, or annoyed glance,
– hang up the cell phone immediately upon encountering the customer,
– look the customer in the eye, say “Thank You” and “You’re welcome”, instead of “Uh-huh”,
– enunciate consonants to help the customer distinguish individual words from the verbal flow,
– learn English well enough to comprehend customer questions, and intelligibly answer them,
– pull trousers up over hipbones and wear belt, suspenders or other garment securing device,
– conceal all employee undergarments from customer view,
– wear clean, pressed shirt, tucked in and buttoned up,
– find out what you sell, what it can do, how to use it and how to answer questions about it,
– remove extraneous metal objects that dangle from pierced lips, tongues and eyebrows,
– before shift, groom hair using comb or brush [Note: pillow is not a hair-grooming implement],
– secure hair, including purchased or rented hair, to prevent food contamination,
– cover tattoos rated PG-13 or higher,
– smoke behind the store, near the Dumpster, instead of by the front door,
– clean up and stock the restroom each time after using it,
– stop ogling the customer’s teenage children,
– scan products at least as fast as the customer places them on the conveyor belt,
– learn the physical properties and tolerance standards of plastic bags and avoid violating them,
– stop talking about when your shift is over.

...from Scrappleface