Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I never did like anniversaries.

I always thought anniversaries were for the woman. Who ever heard of a woman forgetting an anniversary and the man being upset? Who ever heard of a woman forgetting an anniversary, period? That's pretty much the way it is all through married life, I guess. But maybe it changes after marriage. Maybe when it's all done she doesn't think about it much but the guy does. I don't know if that's always the case but I know it's common.

My friend Don ( recently said in a post that it was the fourth anniversary of losing his best friend. I remember when that happened, thought it was crazy that it could happen to him, and was glad it would never happen to me. Well, today I note the passing of one year since my best friend divorced me. I'm sure I don't have to point out the lesson to be learned there by all the married men.

So what do I say? I've thought about what I would say when this day came for a long while now. I had pretty much decided I would pour out my heart and say all the things I wanted to say to her, about how bad it hurt and how I couldn't believe this or that and how it wasn't my fault. But who wants to hear all that? And what good would it do? Although, one could argue that since only four people ever read this what good does it do to write anything if not for my own self-expression?

I then decided to take a more light-hearted approach and say I was going to make a list of all the things I miss about her and include all the things that made me mad but that would be a pretty transparent form of whining and we go back to, who wants to hear that?

Maybe I should wax eloquently about the topic of forgiveness. I certainly have trod that road in the past year and I believe I have made great strides down that road but I'm pretty sure I have not come to the finish line so until I do maybe I'll hold off on that subject.

Well, just so that this post was not a total waste of a reader's time like much of the other stuff I have posted over the years, let me just briefly say what I have learned in this process. Maybe it could possibly help somebody out there. The problem with saying what I have learned is that I don't like what I have learned and, honestly, wish I could say something different. But what I have learned can be summed up in two sentences. Don't ever get married. If you do, don't ever have kids. It's that simple.

Now, I know that all you married men out there (ok, you two married men) who have kids and have wonderful, fulfilling, satisfying lives are about to jump on me and say it's not true. You want to tell me about how great it can be to be married to a wonderful gal and how you have 2.5 great kids and a picket fence and a station wagon, just living the dream and how, yes, there are hard times but ultimately it is worth it and how you wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't.

You see, I've had all that too. I once had a beautiful, funny, smart Christian wife and two good kids I felt were my own. And now I don't. God has provided for me and blessed me in ways that I'll never understand and He has put me in the place where I am supposed to be with a great church and wonderful friends, a great family who supports me like crazy and for all that I will always be grateful. I just wish I had never gotten married. Nobody goes into marriage thinking that there is even a chance they will get divorced but it happens to half the population and there is nothing besides direct abuse that is worse for a child than to go through that.

I wish I could give some better, more uplifting advice but that is what I have learned. That is about all I can take away from eight years of marriage. Don't do it. It's just one more anniversary to "note" instead of "celebrate".

ps So that this is not at the top of the blog I am going to put something a little more light-hearted, yet appropriate as my next post. Enjoy that!


Anonymous said...

I absolutely love your honesty Todd. It's been 25 years since I had that knife go through my heart. It's tempting to get spiritual right now, but I won't. If you didn't live in “Australia”, and I in Houston, I would give you a big hug and tell you a dumb joke. (Our Pa was good at jokes)

todd said...

Wait, who is this? I don't think you're one of the four loyal readers. Don't tell me I have five now!

Anonymous said...

Proverbs 5:19


Eddie said...

Ya, honesty is refreshing. I am a kindred spirit in that I feel your pain. The wound left from the loss of love is indeed devastating. I am five years down the path now though and I must disagree with your advice. Psalm 30:5 was my anthem while I wandered in the abyss. Now I stand poised on the threshold of morning. I do not wish to live alone. God placed within you and me His Spirit and that is the capacity to love large. As for me, I will exercise it again someday if the Lord will allow. Alone is just alone. It is not good.

todd said...

Hmm...interesting Ed. I'll have my rebuttal ready in a few days.

Brenda said...

To answer your question from the first Anonymous comment...Yes Todd, I'm one of your "loyal" readers. I was hoping the hints "live in Houston", and "our Pa" would reveal my secret identity. At least you have four readers. Cousin Brenda