Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dear Bo, Sara and Dori

Dear Dogs:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

I cannot buy any thing bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm..

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's backside. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:


(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


Anonymous said...

You talk big, but wait till your dogs read this!!!!


Anonymous said...

"I'm gonna lift weights until I'm strong enough to push that bathroom door down!"

"Do you think that'll work?"

"And I'm gonna roll around on my back ALL OVER the bed - he won't have any choice but to continue sleeping on the couch."

[Altogether] "Dogs rule - people drool!"

Anonymous said...

He watches two episodes of CSI, and thinks that by finding paw prints on his food, he can implicate us! Like he can tell the difference between a fox print or a coyote print or a dog print.

Well, we fooled him. We wore rubber gloves!

- Sara

Anonymous said...

"He doesn't know that while he's out cleaning windows and buying dog food, we're partying like it's 1999! What? Murphy's on the phone? Cool!"

- D. Belle

Anonymous said...

Jesus kind sorta believed in Karma. "Treat others as you would have them treat you..."

Even "Who is my brother?" is karma-ish.

Anonymous said...

You can tell much about a person by the way they treat their pets. Think you must be pretty decent...