Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Because I can...
Just because I didn't want any of my loyal fans to have to look at either Lyin' Al Gore or Fancypants Aiken when they did their hourly check-in, here's a picture that is better. (I'm home sick, by the way, so enjoy these brief moments of creativity while they last.)
Gore urges more stupidity
"If you're a young person looking at the future of this planet and looking at what is being done right now, and not done, I believe we have reached the stage where it is time for civil disobedience to prevent the construction of new coal plants that do not have carbon capture and sequestration," Gore told the Clinton Global Initiative gathering to loud applause.
Wow #1: Gore can still get a speaking gig.
Wow #2: People applaud him like they are listening.
Wow #3: He just told young people they should break the law.
He's right. And left. And wrong.
Clay Aiken has come out of the closet and admitted he's gay. Shocker. In the article he says, "I don't really feel like I have anybody to answer to but myself and God and the people I love." It's that whole answering to God part that's the doozy.
Exodus 20:14
1 Corinthians 6:9-10
1 Corinthians 5:1
Ephesians 5:3
Leviticus 18:22
Deuteronomy 23:17
Leviticus 20:13
Romans 1:24-27
1 Timothy 1:10
Fortunately for Clay there are also:
(Jeremiah 29:11-13 NKJV) For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. {12} Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. {13} And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
(Romans 10:10-13 NKJV) For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. {11} For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame." {12} For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. {13} For "whoever calls on the name of the LORD shall be saved."
Jeremiah 33:8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me.
1 John 2:12 KJV I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name's sake.
Cleaning up after Gustav
Here are a few pics of our trip to Donaldsonville, LA a couple of weeks ago. Five of us from my church went there to chainsaw trees and tarp some roofs messed up by the hurricane. We also got to talk to some folks about Jesus so it was a good time. It was good to be able to help. Samaritan's Purse had everything we needed.
PETA knows breast
http://www.wnbc.com/news/17539627/detail.html
In totally unrelated news, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and all restaurants in Switzerland will soon declare bankruptcy.
Farm cows groan in pain.
In totally unrelated news, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and all restaurants in Switzerland will soon declare bankruptcy.
Farm cows groan in pain.
Oh, No! What's this world coming to?
Please tell me it's not true! Actually, I didn't know Bette Midler was still alive, much less touring and even much less, has a fleet of trucks to help her do it!
Three things I have in common with Bette Midler:
1) I wear old clothes.
2) I recycle.
3) I'm not news.
Should we bail out Big Popcorn?
My friend Don has the best description of the financial crisis going on in an easy-to-read way right here but the real question is: How is it going to affect me and my popcorn consumption? Have you priced popcorn lately? Not movie popcorn. My ARPM (adjustable rate popcorn mortgage) ballooned and burst when I saw Batman a few weeks ago and scared the whole theater! I got Flabbie Mac to give me a loan so I got the large tub with extra butter. (He said I could afford it!) Anyway, movie popcorn has always been expensive but have you priced regular popcorn lately? Through the roof! My wife and I made a popcorn investment the other day at WalMart (or, "the walmarts" as the rednecks say in my neighborhood. ie; I gotta go to the walmarts to get some new camo for church sunday!). We purchased a box of microwave popcorn and some stove top popcorn and 2 containers of shakeable butter and nacho flavoring. $174! Or something like that. Sent our whole household economy into a tailspin. I blame Willie Nelson. Stupid Biodiesel.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Friday, September 05, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
What are these people trying to do? Make money?
Notice: I will be bringing my attorney with me to all fast-food restaurants from now on. I think a quick contract should probably be drawn up before ordering.
The party of the first part (Todd) shall be heretofor (hereforto?) notified in verbal or written communication if the party of the second part (restaurant name) does or does not actually mean or further fully represent what is on the menu of the party of the second parts' restaurant at the price represented.
If the party of the second part (I got that from the Marx Brothers, by the way. There should be a joke coming soon about "party"), ahem...anyway, if the party of the second part is including a side dish as part of the price it will be expected that said side dish will be in the picture with the main dish and the words "select a side" would be interpreted to mean that the side is included in the payment price. Including a picture of the side dish and the words "select a side" are legal proof that the party of the second part will indeed include said side dish for the remuniation expected and advertised on the sign.
If and when the party of the first part decides that said side dish should not be included in the advertised meal for whatever reason he deems necessary (your hash browns are icky), then the party of the second part shall not punish the party of the first part in monetary or mentally abusive manners and will leave off icky side dish and should, but will not be forced to, lower the advertised price to equally reflect fair market price for advertised meal minus the cost of icky side if purchased seperately.
The party of the first part also reserves the right to order a glass of water for no charge in a "courtesy cup" with a little bit of courtesy and obtain said cup with a size large enough to hold at least the amount of water that would moisten the lips of the average Chinese gymnast.
In conclusion, no, the party of the first part does not want an apple pie or he would order an apple pie. How long have those been in there, anyway?
Acceptance of remuniation from the party of the first part by the party of the second part shall decidedly acknowledge acceptance of these terms and will decidedly make the party of the first part to get together with the party of the second part and have a party of the best part!
The party of the first part (Todd) shall be heretofor (hereforto?) notified in verbal or written communication if the party of the second part (restaurant name) does or does not actually mean or further fully represent what is on the menu of the party of the second parts' restaurant at the price represented.
If the party of the second part (I got that from the Marx Brothers, by the way. There should be a joke coming soon about "party"), ahem...anyway, if the party of the second part is including a side dish as part of the price it will be expected that said side dish will be in the picture with the main dish and the words "select a side" would be interpreted to mean that the side is included in the payment price. Including a picture of the side dish and the words "select a side" are legal proof that the party of the second part will indeed include said side dish for the remuniation expected and advertised on the sign.
If and when the party of the first part decides that said side dish should not be included in the advertised meal for whatever reason he deems necessary (your hash browns are icky), then the party of the second part shall not punish the party of the first part in monetary or mentally abusive manners and will leave off icky side dish and should, but will not be forced to, lower the advertised price to equally reflect fair market price for advertised meal minus the cost of icky side if purchased seperately.
The party of the first part also reserves the right to order a glass of water for no charge in a "courtesy cup" with a little bit of courtesy and obtain said cup with a size large enough to hold at least the amount of water that would moisten the lips of the average Chinese gymnast.
In conclusion, no, the party of the first part does not want an apple pie or he would order an apple pie. How long have those been in there, anyway?
Acceptance of remuniation from the party of the first part by the party of the second part shall decidedly acknowledge acceptance of these terms and will decidedly make the party of the first part to get together with the party of the second part and have a party of the best part!
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Coulda been
I'm watching the Republican Convention and Rudy is rockin'! Last night Fred ruled the joint! McCain is infinitely better than Obama but I can't help think about what could have been.
Pro-Sarah
I like Sarah Palin because she is pro-choice. She chooses to hunt, fish, trap, eat meat and wear fur!
What...?
I remember as a little kid watching the Democratic and National Conventions (well, I saw them, I may not have been watching). I remember as a child thinking,"What in the world are they doing? They look like idiots"! Nearly 40 years later, I sit there watching the conventions and I think, "What in the world are they doing? They look like idiots"!
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Natural
I was sitting out on the back porch tonight and realized that everything out there was in perfect harmony. The sun was almost down, setting below the trees with a fresh, light wind blowing and the smell of freshly-cut grass and my dogs were finding something to sniff by the tree. I listened as a cicada made an incredibly loud noise for such a small critter and I just watched as the trees swayed in the scented wind. It made me think how I wish the rest of my life could be as harmonious as nature. Then I remembered that in almost all aspects of nature it is kill or be killed and I realized...hmm, not much different.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
VIP VP
McCain says he is picking his Vice-President running mate tomorrow. I doubt that she would accept it and I have not heard anyone talk about it but I think he ought to pick Condi Rice. She is going to need a job in January. She's smart, conservative, speaks well, and oh, yeah, she's a woman and she's black. That would be a shot to the heart of the Dems.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
2nd Amendment
This lady nails the 2nd Amendment perfectly! And that 80's hair is HOT!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4069761537893819675&pr=goog-sl
thanks dt
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4069761537893819675&pr=goog-sl
thanks dt
The headline
I am not an uncaring, uncharitable, unmoved, unpitying, unstirred, untouched person or any other synonym for someone who has no compassion for hurting people or families. That is why I cringed when I read the story under the this headline. How many times is this going to have to happen before it is not worth the risk for illegal aliens to illegally come over our border and illegally get a job? Anybody who comes into our country without properly registering is committing a crime just like someone who runs a red light or commits murder. Half way through the article it quotes a local youth pastor as saying the people were handled like criminals. Uh, ya think?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
What I do for fun...
I have always seemed to get bored pretty easy but lately it is taking more to entertain me. For instance, just the other day I stopped by the local gas station and pumped a tank full of gas. I went in and paid for the gas, got back in the car and then drove up about 20 feet. My idea worked better than expected and I and many others were highly entertained.. As I drove up with the gas nozzle still in my gas tank filler, the nozzle broke off the pump. It was so funny when the gas started to gush out of the top of the pump like a waterfall and rain down on the car on the other side. The highly entertained owner of the car cried out, "Is it going to blow up"? Haha, what a funny lady! I told her, "Yeah, probably" and she drove off toward the fire station.
Well with my work done and since the Hazmat team had arrived, I hated to leave . They're funny guys and do a great job so I know they'll get a kick out of it!
Well with my work done and since the Hazmat team had arrived, I hated to leave . They're funny guys and do a great job so I know they'll get a kick out of it!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Dude, No kidding?
Exposure to burning incense over long periods of time raises the risk of developing cancers of the upper respiratory tract, a new study shows. Or could it be the inhalation of the illegal substance being covered up by the incense? Just throwing that idea out there.
Studies have also found that burning incense leads to the munchies.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Joshua 24:15
Sometimes I don't write because I have nothing of real value on my mind to share. Sometimes I don't write because I have too much on my mind to share. Sometimes everything that is on my mind makes for a very heavy weight and I just need to share it with somebody. Everybody gets that way sometime. I've noticed a change in how I write lately. I put that stupid picture up on the previous post, well...I don't know why. It's stupid. Nevermind that picture. I just thought the blog needed a picture. No great wisdom or thought going into it, obviously, but it's part of how my writing (what there is of it) has changed.
I look back at some of the stuff I have written lately and it's not good. The quality of the writing itself is as good or as bad as it's ever been. Shakespeare's not yet too worried, but the content just seems bitter or angry sometimes and to be honest, it's not coming from a very good place. Talking about shooting someone in his "fat-encrusted heart" or making fun of midgets or even bad-mouthing Obama all seem funny but at the same time those mean comments are coming from a source that I don't really like. Mama says, "What's down in the well comes up in the bucket". I don't like my well lately and I could use several things as excuses but it comes down to being my choice.
In the Old Testament there is a story about a man named Joshua who had a choice to make. His choice would affect generations of people to come. The decision he made and his stand to live by that choice had direct implications on how his children and his children's children would live their lives. It was a time when idolatry was more common than serving God and Joshua stood up before his family and his friends and even his enemies and announced his decision. He didn't make fun of those who didn't agree with him or make them look stupid. In fact he gave them the option to continue serving their man-made gods but he told them in Joshua 24, verse 15, "But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."
I love that story! It is inspiring to read about Joshua and his commitment. I even have the last part of that verse on a large plaque in my living room letting everyone know that I agree with Joshua and I, too, say, "As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." But there's a problem. What if they don't? What if my kids, who are older teenagers, don't live like they care to serve the Lord? You see, I have found that just because I say something doesn't necessarily make it true. Imagine that! Just because I say that my family will serve the Lord and not serve man-made idols does not mean that it happens. I know because I have seen their Myspace pages and I know who they run with and I have seen pictures and heard from their own lips things that are contrary to the whole "me and my house" thing. I'm trying to lead the charge and I look behind me and nobody is there. You're not much of a leader if nobody follows, huh?
So, now I'm just frustrated. I understand that people (even teenagers) are responsible for their own actions and that we all have free will. I know I can't convince everybody in the world that my way is the right way. Heck, I'm guilty of not living it myself. In fact, don't tell my kids but I did all the things they are doing and then some and I still screw up more than most. I don't want to do that, though, and I ache for my kids to not have to experience the consequences that I did because I was not choosing to serve the Lord. I have first-hand experience to the blessings of obedience and the consequences of disobedience but I feel like my hands are tied behind me when it comes to talking to my kids. Evidently I ruined their lives by marrying their mother years ago so they don't talk to me about anything.
Actually, I have to take my share of the blame. I'm the adult and I should be able to react better when they act like they do but after a few years of rarely, if ever, hearing "I'm sorry" or "I apologize", I began to realize that they weren't sorry and that it didn't matter what I said or did. I couldn't make them genuinely regretful about whatever it was I thought they should be regretful. As you can imagine, our relationship has suffered. I know my wife loves me but it causes problems when I don't see eye-to-eye with our kids. Again, I know I'm not the first or last to go through junk like this and I'm gonna try to adjust my writing style a little more toward the positive side. I believe you choose your own attitude but even more I have peace and joy in my life even when things don't go my way. I'm not perfect and I may still make a few snide remarks about Obama or soul patches but when I choose to serve the Lord and to have a personal relationship with Jesus, who is God and the Christ, I know I am forgiven of all my sins and that takes the weight off of me.
I look back at some of the stuff I have written lately and it's not good. The quality of the writing itself is as good or as bad as it's ever been. Shakespeare's not yet too worried, but the content just seems bitter or angry sometimes and to be honest, it's not coming from a very good place. Talking about shooting someone in his "fat-encrusted heart" or making fun of midgets or even bad-mouthing Obama all seem funny but at the same time those mean comments are coming from a source that I don't really like. Mama says, "What's down in the well comes up in the bucket". I don't like my well lately and I could use several things as excuses but it comes down to being my choice.
In the Old Testament there is a story about a man named Joshua who had a choice to make. His choice would affect generations of people to come. The decision he made and his stand to live by that choice had direct implications on how his children and his children's children would live their lives. It was a time when idolatry was more common than serving God and Joshua stood up before his family and his friends and even his enemies and announced his decision. He didn't make fun of those who didn't agree with him or make them look stupid. In fact he gave them the option to continue serving their man-made gods but he told them in Joshua 24, verse 15, "But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."
I love that story! It is inspiring to read about Joshua and his commitment. I even have the last part of that verse on a large plaque in my living room letting everyone know that I agree with Joshua and I, too, say, "As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." But there's a problem. What if they don't? What if my kids, who are older teenagers, don't live like they care to serve the Lord? You see, I have found that just because I say something doesn't necessarily make it true. Imagine that! Just because I say that my family will serve the Lord and not serve man-made idols does not mean that it happens. I know because I have seen their Myspace pages and I know who they run with and I have seen pictures and heard from their own lips things that are contrary to the whole "me and my house" thing. I'm trying to lead the charge and I look behind me and nobody is there. You're not much of a leader if nobody follows, huh?
So, now I'm just frustrated. I understand that people (even teenagers) are responsible for their own actions and that we all have free will. I know I can't convince everybody in the world that my way is the right way. Heck, I'm guilty of not living it myself. In fact, don't tell my kids but I did all the things they are doing and then some and I still screw up more than most. I don't want to do that, though, and I ache for my kids to not have to experience the consequences that I did because I was not choosing to serve the Lord. I have first-hand experience to the blessings of obedience and the consequences of disobedience but I feel like my hands are tied behind me when it comes to talking to my kids. Evidently I ruined their lives by marrying their mother years ago so they don't talk to me about anything.
Actually, I have to take my share of the blame. I'm the adult and I should be able to react better when they act like they do but after a few years of rarely, if ever, hearing "I'm sorry" or "I apologize", I began to realize that they weren't sorry and that it didn't matter what I said or did. I couldn't make them genuinely regretful about whatever it was I thought they should be regretful. As you can imagine, our relationship has suffered. I know my wife loves me but it causes problems when I don't see eye-to-eye with our kids. Again, I know I'm not the first or last to go through junk like this and I'm gonna try to adjust my writing style a little more toward the positive side. I believe you choose your own attitude but even more I have peace and joy in my life even when things don't go my way. I'm not perfect and I may still make a few snide remarks about Obama or soul patches but when I choose to serve the Lord and to have a personal relationship with Jesus, who is God and the Christ, I know I am forgiven of all my sins and that takes the weight off of me.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Sounds like something I might say...
It's 700 degrees outside and I only had a sandwich for lunch so I think I deserved an ice cream cone from Braum's. I sat down to enjoy the treat and overheard a man talking to his wife at a table near mine. Using all of his white trash education he was explaining how a crook launders money. Now, I know as well as any man the importance of having my wife think that I know what I'm talking about at all times but I'm pretty sure laundering money does not involve using your stolen money to buy a laundromat.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Solutions
Richard Cooey is a deathrow inmate in Ohio who says he is too fat to be given the lethal injection. His claim is that executioners would have trouble finding his veins and that his weight could diminish the effectiveness of one of the lethal injection drugs. He also takes a drug for migraine headaches that could interfere with the effectiveness of the...blah, blah...painful...blah, blah, blah...fat boy.
Several solutions come to mind to fix the problem for this raping murderer. He's had over twenty years to get fat on the prison diet. I've visited prisons and eaten the food and I find it hard to believe that anybody could gain weight on it but evidently Deep Dish Cooey was able to. My practical side just says to put him on bread and water for a while and force him to lose weight. You could also get a couple of Dobermans to chase him around the yard a bit. You know, for fun and exercise! Let's get Richard Simmons in there. Build up his cardio, maybe shock the abs, keep'em guessing. I know Richard would like it.
This migraine medicine problem seems pretty easy to solve, huh? Let's see, we could maybe give him another medicine to counteract the migraine medicine and give that a few months or years to work. Maybe some therapy to solve the problem behind the migraines would help. In totally unrelated news, the parents of the victims have been having migraines for about twenty years now and have actually lost some weight but that's their problem. Anyhow, I'd hate to see Tons o' Fun meet his Maker with a headache. That would be a crime.
Or we could just shoot ol' Gooey Cooey in his fat-encrusted heart. He'd be an easy target.
Several solutions come to mind to fix the problem for this raping murderer. He's had over twenty years to get fat on the prison diet. I've visited prisons and eaten the food and I find it hard to believe that anybody could gain weight on it but evidently Deep Dish Cooey was able to. My practical side just says to put him on bread and water for a while and force him to lose weight. You could also get a couple of Dobermans to chase him around the yard a bit. You know, for fun and exercise! Let's get Richard Simmons in there. Build up his cardio, maybe shock the abs, keep'em guessing. I know Richard would like it.
This migraine medicine problem seems pretty easy to solve, huh? Let's see, we could maybe give him another medicine to counteract the migraine medicine and give that a few months or years to work. Maybe some therapy to solve the problem behind the migraines would help. In totally unrelated news, the parents of the victims have been having migraines for about twenty years now and have actually lost some weight but that's their problem. Anyhow, I'd hate to see Tons o' Fun meet his Maker with a headache. That would be a crime.
Or we could just shoot ol' Gooey Cooey in his fat-encrusted heart. He'd be an easy target.
Mr. Sensitivity
I went into a long emotional story the other day with a coworker about a horrible, probably fatal car crash I had seen. A mother and her three little children were hit from behind and landed on their roof. My friend and I were the first ones on the scene and pulled them from the car. I told my coworker that the mother was rushed to the hospital by ambulance but probably didn't make it. His response? "Was she hot?"
Friday, August 01, 2008
Dude, I got so Ambien'ed last night!
Maybe you have heard stories about people taking the prescription sleeping pill Ambien and doing crazy things while they are asleep. There are numerous reports of people sleep-walking, sleep-driving and even sleep-eating while on Ambien but I never believed it until I started taking the drug. It has been a problem for me a couple of times when something finally does wake me up at night but now I seem to have another problem with Ambien: sleep-blogging.
I started taking Ambien about a year ago and immediately noticed a wonderful difference in my ability to get to sleep. Between health problems and teenagers it seemed that a good night's sleep was just a dream but this wonder drug changed all that. And more. Twice I have woken up to find myself somewhere besides my bed and one of those times could have landed me in jail if the cops had asked me any questions and realized how out of it I was. No kidding.
Many times my wife has asked me if I remember the phone ringing in the night or her trying to wake me up but I didn't respond. Some people tell me that they have to take Ambien practically on the way down the hall to their bed or they won't make it but I'm not that way. I can take it and then I have a few minutes before I start getting sleepy. That's where the problem comes with blogging. I need pretty much silence to write anything here and usually wait until my wife goes to bed to start typing. I don't do it on purpose but several times I have woken up the next day and not known what I had written about the night before. I promise I'm not kidding. I have checked my email more than once and there is a response to some post that I have no idea how it got there.
The point of me explaining this is twofold. First, if you decide you need help falling asleep then I recommend Ambien but be very careful and it is probably best not to be alone if you take it. Secondly, read this blog with a grain of salt. I'm not smart enough to comment on most things if I'm not on Ambien but if you read something here and it's stupid or doesn't make sense then we can blame it on the pill. Also, if I offend somebody (like saying your soul patch looks gay) there is a good chance I was doped up when I wrote it. Not always, but sometimes. So, beware of anything I write after about 9:30. And I will try to stay off the computer and in my bed tonight.
I started taking Ambien about a year ago and immediately noticed a wonderful difference in my ability to get to sleep. Between health problems and teenagers it seemed that a good night's sleep was just a dream but this wonder drug changed all that. And more. Twice I have woken up to find myself somewhere besides my bed and one of those times could have landed me in jail if the cops had asked me any questions and realized how out of it I was. No kidding.
Many times my wife has asked me if I remember the phone ringing in the night or her trying to wake me up but I didn't respond. Some people tell me that they have to take Ambien practically on the way down the hall to their bed or they won't make it but I'm not that way. I can take it and then I have a few minutes before I start getting sleepy. That's where the problem comes with blogging. I need pretty much silence to write anything here and usually wait until my wife goes to bed to start typing. I don't do it on purpose but several times I have woken up the next day and not known what I had written about the night before. I promise I'm not kidding. I have checked my email more than once and there is a response to some post that I have no idea how it got there.
The point of me explaining this is twofold. First, if you decide you need help falling asleep then I recommend Ambien but be very careful and it is probably best not to be alone if you take it. Secondly, read this blog with a grain of salt. I'm not smart enough to comment on most things if I'm not on Ambien but if you read something here and it's stupid or doesn't make sense then we can blame it on the pill. Also, if I offend somebody (like saying your soul patch looks gay) there is a good chance I was doped up when I wrote it. Not always, but sometimes. So, beware of anything I write after about 9:30. And I will try to stay off the computer and in my bed tonight.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
My Apologies
The House of Representatives today finally issued an apology to African Americans for slavery and Jim Crow laws 140 years after slavery was abolished. I say it is too little too late. This is an important and meaningless gesture that all involved hope leads to continued racial harmony and world peace and butterflies landing on lollypops in green fields of lovely...love...and stuff (but without reparations, of course).
In fact, I think we should carry our penitence a little bit further. I personally would like to also apologize to not only the African Americans but to the Native Americans since neither I nor anybody I am associated with had anything to do with their mistreatment and since their great-great-grandchildren have to live on government -subsidized casino resorts. That obviously is working well for everybody. They ought to have that alcoholism and unemployment problem licked any day now. We could at least apologize.
Since we are apologizing, let's not forget the Irish Americans and the Italian Americans who came over to this country just hoping to make a better life for their families and all we did was enable their work habits. We are enablers in this country and we should apologize for it immediately. Who knows where those poor people would have been if not for us Americans (you know, me and my family)? Why, they might have been able to, oh, I don't know, starve in Ireland or Italy? I am so sorry.
It is also time to make known our remorse publicly to the Midget Americans who came over in their tiny boats The Miniflower, The Nino, The Pint-Sized and the Santa Clauses Lap just to make a little life for themselves and have had to endure more than a little bit of cruelty in word and deed by me and my friends ever since. An apology is just what they need to make up for all of the jokes and Dwarf-tossing and misproportioned bodies that we have caused. Midget Americans across the land should stand up (oh, they are already standing) and accept my apology.
This non-rush to apologize should also include some of the most ill-fated citizens of this country, the Mustachioed Americans. For hundreds of years Americans with mustaches have been denied the American dream because of their choice of facial hair. Employers regularly deny employment to anyone sporting a Mutton chop even today and the opportunities for women with handlebar mustaches in this country lag far behind more apologetic countries in Eastern Europe. Let's save the world and spend precious resources apologizing to all who wear the FuManchu or Dripdown or Goatee or soul patch. Well, never mind the soul patch. That just looks gay.
Did I miss anybody?
In fact, I think we should carry our penitence a little bit further. I personally would like to also apologize to not only the African Americans but to the Native Americans since neither I nor anybody I am associated with had anything to do with their mistreatment and since their great-great-grandchildren have to live on government -subsidized casino resorts. That obviously is working well for everybody. They ought to have that alcoholism and unemployment problem licked any day now. We could at least apologize.
Since we are apologizing, let's not forget the Irish Americans and the Italian Americans who came over to this country just hoping to make a better life for their families and all we did was enable their work habits. We are enablers in this country and we should apologize for it immediately. Who knows where those poor people would have been if not for us Americans (you know, me and my family)? Why, they might have been able to, oh, I don't know, starve in Ireland or Italy? I am so sorry.
It is also time to make known our remorse publicly to the Midget Americans who came over in their tiny boats The Miniflower, The Nino, The Pint-Sized and the Santa Clauses Lap just to make a little life for themselves and have had to endure more than a little bit of cruelty in word and deed by me and my friends ever since. An apology is just what they need to make up for all of the jokes and Dwarf-tossing and misproportioned bodies that we have caused. Midget Americans across the land should stand up (oh, they are already standing) and accept my apology.
This non-rush to apologize should also include some of the most ill-fated citizens of this country, the Mustachioed Americans. For hundreds of years Americans with mustaches have been denied the American dream because of their choice of facial hair. Employers regularly deny employment to anyone sporting a Mutton chop even today and the opportunities for women with handlebar mustaches in this country lag far behind more apologetic countries in Eastern Europe. Let's save the world and spend precious resources apologizing to all who wear the FuManchu or Dripdown or Goatee or soul patch. Well, never mind the soul patch. That just looks gay.
Did I miss anybody?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I hate it when my prayers are stolen!
Having been to the Western Wall in Jerusalem many years ago, I know what a holy place it is to the Jewish people. Even as a Christian, I recognized the importance and the aura of sacredness that surrounded the wall. When I was there the crowd was intense and kept me from getting close enough to touch it. I was surrounded by fervently praying believers dressed in a way that was foreign to me and seemed to come from another time far removed from my own. At the same time, I justifiably felt that I was the one dressed inappropriately and had barged into an era that I did not belong. Their devotion was impressive to say the least.
As you know, the custom is to approach the wall and place a written prayer in the cracks between the stones of the wall as Barack Obama did recently on his rock 'n roll world tour. With cameras blazing and fans drooling, the crowd parted for Obama like the Red Sea did for Moses and he placed this note, written on his hotel stationery, in the wall:
"Lord, protect my family and me. Forgive me my sins. Help me guard against pride and despair. Give me wisdom to do what is right and just. And make me an instrument of your will."
We know this is what was written because someone stole it from the wall minutes after Obama left and promptly turned it over to a local newspaper which of course stopped the presses and published it. This story is just this side of tragic. What kind of person would steal a prayer which is a personal and private communication to the Creator of the Universe? What sort of National Enquirer wanna-be newspaper would dare print the thing? It is a disgrace and makes me embarrassed and ashamed for both parties. The only thing to make this tale more tragic would be if Obama had expected or even planned for his prayer to be stolen and therefore wrote the beautiful imploration with that in mind. Surely that is not the case. Surely not.
**Update**
I don't often reply to a comment to any of my posts but I had to respond to the first comment by Mr. Anonymous about Obama giving his prayer to the newspaper. I have not heard or read anything about this at all and I would appreciate commenters giving their sources if they have any but for now, let's assume this is correct. Let's assume that Obama gave his permission for people to read his prayer. Does that not prove my point capitally? What an arrogant jerk! If it is true then why put on the show? Why not come clean? Obama never denied that the prayer had been stolen. An Obama Presidency would be the real tragedy. Also, whether or not a person is Jewish makes no difference to the expectation of privacy at the Western Wall or before the Creator.
Monday, July 28, 2008
What's in a name?
The life of every average child is filled with good times and bad. Sometimes as a youth I felt like everybody was picking on me. I'm sure most young people have times when they feel that way. Maybe one is too fat or has large ears or has clothes that are less than the latest and greatest but almost everybody is made fun of as a child by other children. Children are especially good at making fun of names when there is not necessarily anything else to make fun of. You might think that with a name like mine I would be exempt. Not much rhymes with Todd except maybe "odd" or "pod", neither of which take up much space in a child's vocabulary. It was "Toddy Waddy Potty" that was the vicious slander for me. It's just not fair! How could my parents be so cruel as to stick me with such a horrible name as Todd?
As cruel as kids can be, though, do you think if a child has a really distasteful name that a judge should be able to legally change the name against the will of the parents? How bad of a name would it have to be before one could justify such intrusion by the government? I think this name qualifies with ease: Talula Does The Hula in Hawaii. That's the poor 9 year old girls name in New Zealand. Too bad her name was changed she could have hung out with her friends, "Violence" and the twins, "Benson and Hedges" or the blond "Sex Fruit" over at the house of "Number 16 Bus Shelter". They would have heck of a time coming up with a name for their band.
As cruel as kids can be, though, do you think if a child has a really distasteful name that a judge should be able to legally change the name against the will of the parents? How bad of a name would it have to be before one could justify such intrusion by the government? I think this name qualifies with ease: Talula Does The Hula in Hawaii. That's the poor 9 year old girls name in New Zealand. Too bad her name was changed she could have hung out with her friends, "Violence" and the twins, "Benson and Hedges" or the blond "Sex Fruit" over at the house of "Number 16 Bus Shelter". They would have heck of a time coming up with a name for their band.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I heart Babes
No, not that kind of babes! Babe's Chicken Dinner House. I'm in Granbury today for work and stopped to have some of the best fried chicken and fixin's anywhere. They also have a place in Burleson. The food is family style and I ate enough to feed a family but half way through the meal all of the young waitresses got up to dance. You might think that would be entertaining but you would be wrong today. I enjoy the "Hokey-Pokey" as much as the next man (insert eye roll here) but every time I do the "Hokey-Pokey" I try to add as much feeling into it as is reasonable. These girls mutilated a perfectly good annoying child's song with particular unemphasis on the putting in and taking out of their elbows. They also only partly shook the various body parts, not one of them shaking anything "all about".
When that song was mercifully over, the girl who was my waitress got the microphone and launched into a dreadful version of "Crazy" by Patsy Cline and went around the restaurant singing into the eyes of male customers even holding their chin with her hand as she sang. I looked up from my chicken and noticed how most of the patrons in the place were politeley averting their eyes from this wanna-be budding young star but the girl was looking at and coming toward me! I'm not easily embarrassed but one of us needed to be and so I just smiled as she softly touched my shoulder and sang about how crazy she was for me just like she just did for some fat trucker in the other booth. I love fried chicken but I don't know if I can handle the collateral damage to my psyche from eating at Babe's any more!
When that song was mercifully over, the girl who was my waitress got the microphone and launched into a dreadful version of "Crazy" by Patsy Cline and went around the restaurant singing into the eyes of male customers even holding their chin with her hand as she sang. I looked up from my chicken and noticed how most of the patrons in the place were politeley averting their eyes from this wanna-be budding young star but the girl was looking at and coming toward me! I'm not easily embarrassed but one of us needed to be and so I just smiled as she softly touched my shoulder and sang about how crazy she was for me just like she just did for some fat trucker in the other booth. I love fried chicken but I don't know if I can handle the collateral damage to my psyche from eating at Babe's any more!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The better to hear you with!
And then a little girl fell in this ear and we had to call the fire department to get her out.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Coulda been worse
The announcement at church brought back bad memories of one of many embarrassing days in High School. Our Sunday School classes were to compete in a softball game at the Youth Ballpark in Arlington and all I could think of was the last time I played softball in High School and not only struck out but struck out and fell down in front of everybody in the school. Surely, things would turn out better this time.
The mood was festive. People were laughing. Birds were singing and the self-expectation and confidence were high. The bottom half of the inning was spent in the field where luckily nothing was hit my way and I hardly moved. Fine with me. Three up and three down and we headed to the dugout. Several people on our team batted and some did better than others. No pressure if you are a child. No pressure for the women. Pressure for a full grown man.
I hid the shock of my name being called to bat and ran toward the bats hanging on the fence. I grabbed one like I knew what I was doing and jogged confidently towards home plate. I dug my feet into the dirt next to the plate and took some practice swings. Crowd cheers. Pitcher rocks back and lobs. No fancy stuff. Not too fast. Right toward the plate and a swing! I was surprised to not hear the crack of the bat hitting the ball but instead...silence. Strike one.
I vaguely heard the gasps of the crowd and with all of the confidence I could muster I dug in a little deeper in the dirt and took another powerful practice swing. No problem, I just needed to see one. This next one is going downtown! I think I heard my wife holler something. Was that my daughter laughing? Concentrate. Watch the ball. Here's the wind up and a lob straight toward the plate. Big swing! Swish. Strike two.
Two strikes and my head is swimming. This couldn't be that hard but it seems like things are moving too fast and the repressed High School memories are making concentration difficult. I stepped out of the batter's box and batted at my shoes a couple of times like I had seen real players do. Ouch! That was a little too hard. Now I have two strikes and a sore foot and I'm watching the taillights of my confidence fading fast. I step back to the plate and looked at the pitcher. He's old. Maybe he'll have a heart attack on the mound and I won't have to face another pitch. No such luck. The wind up...the pitch...I ain't swinging. Should have. Strike three.
But I didn't fall down! At least I didn't fall down. Right? Right?
The mood was festive. People were laughing. Birds were singing and the self-expectation and confidence were high. The bottom half of the inning was spent in the field where luckily nothing was hit my way and I hardly moved. Fine with me. Three up and three down and we headed to the dugout. Several people on our team batted and some did better than others. No pressure if you are a child. No pressure for the women. Pressure for a full grown man.
I hid the shock of my name being called to bat and ran toward the bats hanging on the fence. I grabbed one like I knew what I was doing and jogged confidently towards home plate. I dug my feet into the dirt next to the plate and took some practice swings. Crowd cheers. Pitcher rocks back and lobs. No fancy stuff. Not too fast. Right toward the plate and a swing! I was surprised to not hear the crack of the bat hitting the ball but instead...silence. Strike one.
I vaguely heard the gasps of the crowd and with all of the confidence I could muster I dug in a little deeper in the dirt and took another powerful practice swing. No problem, I just needed to see one. This next one is going downtown! I think I heard my wife holler something. Was that my daughter laughing? Concentrate. Watch the ball. Here's the wind up and a lob straight toward the plate. Big swing! Swish. Strike two.
Two strikes and my head is swimming. This couldn't be that hard but it seems like things are moving too fast and the repressed High School memories are making concentration difficult. I stepped out of the batter's box and batted at my shoes a couple of times like I had seen real players do. Ouch! That was a little too hard. Now I have two strikes and a sore foot and I'm watching the taillights of my confidence fading fast. I step back to the plate and looked at the pitcher. He's old. Maybe he'll have a heart attack on the mound and I won't have to face another pitch. No such luck. The wind up...the pitch...I ain't swinging. Should have. Strike three.
But I didn't fall down! At least I didn't fall down. Right? Right?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Why NRA?
I try to be open-minded. I don't want to be so open-minded that I lose my brain and some things I think are worth sticking to your guns about (some pun intended) so I'm looking into joining the National Rifle Association. Yes, Don (both of you), I am thinking about it. The motivation climaxed this morning with the news of the Supreme Court doing the right thing by upholding the Second Amendment in Washington D.C. and I realized just how fragile our gun rights are. In deep reflection, I think my stubbornness to avoid the NRA comes from an idealistic view of the world where we should not have to lobby for automatic weapons and grenade launchers just to counter the other side who are lobbying for us to lose our right to keep and bear arms all together. In my naive world, there is a middle ground that is obvious to everybody and the NRA is not really necessary. Maybe I have been wrong. Maybe I have changed and the world has changed and maybe the NRA has changed. I'm willing to at least be that open-minded and check it out. I'll let ya know.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Why Obama?
I have a question. I don't want to be racist. I'm not racist. I have no reason to be racist. One's skin color makes no more difference to me than one's eye color. The question is: would the black people who are voting for Obama vote for him if he were not half black?
Where's the controversy?
Sounds like a pretty easy decision if you read the 2nd Amendment.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I don't know what to say...
I'm not usually a big fan of polls but this one intrigues me. 21% of Atheists believe in God? What...? How...? I don't underst...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I hate it when this happens...
Five sentences does not do this situation justice. For starters, I don't know what a "low-rise v-string" is but the heading calls it a thong. Do thongs usually have "decorative metallic pieces"? Is this a thong or a chastity belt? And just how much pressure was this underwear under? I have a vision of a can of biscuits popping open. Also, how could it possibly hit her in the eye? Is she putting them over the right part of her body? Finally, at 52 years of age shouldn't she just stick to grannie panties? Probably safer for everyone.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Good News!
Good news for all of us who want to marry outside the traditional bounds of marrriage! The California Supreme Court dropped the ban on same-sex marriage the other day so how much longer until I'm finally going to be able to marry the loves of my life? Since marriage no longer really means marriage and it now just means the union of loving individuals I figure that soon I should be able to marry the individuals that I love. I mean, if two people of the same sex can marry, why not three people? And if three people could get married, why not a person and a non-person? Let's just throw the stinkin' doors wide smooth open and let's just say anybody can marry anything! What's the difference?
If all you want is whatever benefits that come with saying you're married and you don't mind watering the institution down to whatever justifies your lifestyle, then I'm gonna marry my dogs! How about that? I guarantee that we love each other and have a loyal commitment to each other. What else do you need? If something happens to me I want my dogs to be provided for so what better way than to mutilate a holy instituion? I can't help that I love dogs. I've known that I love dogs since I was a little boy. I was born that way. Now I can finally prove with a piece of paper that I'm not wrong for loving dogs. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with Bo, Sara, and Dori in loving matrimony as soon as California or maybe Massachusetts makes it legal. Don't worry, I'll send you an invitation.
If all you want is whatever benefits that come with saying you're married and you don't mind watering the institution down to whatever justifies your lifestyle, then I'm gonna marry my dogs! How about that? I guarantee that we love each other and have a loyal commitment to each other. What else do you need? If something happens to me I want my dogs to be provided for so what better way than to mutilate a holy instituion? I can't help that I love dogs. I've known that I love dogs since I was a little boy. I was born that way. Now I can finally prove with a piece of paper that I'm not wrong for loving dogs. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with Bo, Sara, and Dori in loving matrimony as soon as California or maybe Massachusetts makes it legal. Don't worry, I'll send you an invitation.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Commercials
Ok, I know I have vented about radio and TV commercials before and I still believe that they are a direct curse from Satan himself but I have an idea. I'm not usually a fan of the "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" motto but I'm pretty sure I could do that job. I mean, how hard could it be to make a commercial? They obviously are making somebody some money because if they weren't they would quit making them and I could watch The Simpsons in peace. But since we can't collect taxes like they used to in Bible days and I have yet to make anything close to my first million doing it legally, I'm thinking of a career change.
I have a couple of hurdles to get over before I can start doing commercials for a living though. First, I'm not very smart. Let's be real honest with each other here. Brain surgeon I ain't. But that in itself is not the real problem. The problem is that not being very smart, I always want to do things that don't work very well. There are lots of illustrations of that but those are stories for a different day. Anyhow, my thinking is that if I were doing commercials I would want to do them completely different. Call me crazy but I think a quality product would sell best if you plainly and without drama laid out the features and the benefits of the product in an honest and succinct way. I would not scream or use guys dressed like cowboys anymore to sell anything ever again. But that obviously wouldn't work or somebody would do it that way already, I'm sure.
This leads to my second hurdle and that is that I have morals. I think that probably disqualifies me from advertising and surely from law or politics but in my commercial-making world honesty would be the best policy. If you can't advertise the absolute truth, here's a thought: don't bring it up. You don't have to lie or even exaggerate about the benefits of a product. Don't say something is the greatest in the world or is recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors if you can't back it up. Be creative enough to honestly tell me why this product or service would be good for me and then shut up. If you can't then don't advertise it. In fact, make a better product and then tell me about it. How about that?
I think one of the easiest commercials to make would be a perfume or cologne commercial. There's no real good way of presenting the benefits of perfume except to say "It smells real good!" So, advertising people just get some model to walk around and you just have to use your imagination that she smells good. Sounds pretty easy to produce that one. The hardest part would be finding a model. Where do you go for perfume models? And if you want to really test your creativity, sell perfume on a radio commercial. Even I could model perfume on the radio! All you basically have to say is, "I smell better than you. Buy my cologne".
So, while my feelings for commercials haven't changed - I still hate them with the white hot passion of a thousand bottles of new and improved Tabasco - I would like to give it a try just for the money. Is that so stupid? I think I could make money and still be honest. Truth in advertising will alway win out. In fact, 60 % of the time...it works every time! Or your money back!!!
I have a couple of hurdles to get over before I can start doing commercials for a living though. First, I'm not very smart. Let's be real honest with each other here. Brain surgeon I ain't. But that in itself is not the real problem. The problem is that not being very smart, I always want to do things that don't work very well. There are lots of illustrations of that but those are stories for a different day. Anyhow, my thinking is that if I were doing commercials I would want to do them completely different. Call me crazy but I think a quality product would sell best if you plainly and without drama laid out the features and the benefits of the product in an honest and succinct way. I would not scream or use guys dressed like cowboys anymore to sell anything ever again. But that obviously wouldn't work or somebody would do it that way already, I'm sure.
This leads to my second hurdle and that is that I have morals. I think that probably disqualifies me from advertising and surely from law or politics but in my commercial-making world honesty would be the best policy. If you can't advertise the absolute truth, here's a thought: don't bring it up. You don't have to lie or even exaggerate about the benefits of a product. Don't say something is the greatest in the world or is recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors if you can't back it up. Be creative enough to honestly tell me why this product or service would be good for me and then shut up. If you can't then don't advertise it. In fact, make a better product and then tell me about it. How about that?
I think one of the easiest commercials to make would be a perfume or cologne commercial. There's no real good way of presenting the benefits of perfume except to say "It smells real good!" So, advertising people just get some model to walk around and you just have to use your imagination that she smells good. Sounds pretty easy to produce that one. The hardest part would be finding a model. Where do you go for perfume models? And if you want to really test your creativity, sell perfume on a radio commercial. Even I could model perfume on the radio! All you basically have to say is, "I smell better than you. Buy my cologne".
So, while my feelings for commercials haven't changed - I still hate them with the white hot passion of a thousand bottles of new and improved Tabasco - I would like to give it a try just for the money. Is that so stupid? I think I could make money and still be honest. Truth in advertising will alway win out. In fact, 60 % of the time...it works every time! Or your money back!!!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Fishing Monkeys
Yes, but will they bait their own hook?
Don't they know that river is "catch and release" only?
It's really neat to watch them drive their little boat out to the "honey hole".
If a fish gets away the monkeys actually throw their own poo at it.
If a monkey is too drunk to fish... he may be a redneck.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Schlitterbahn
Just got back from the water park in New Braunfels called Schlitterbahn. I realized a couple of things in my time there: First, I obviously don't have near enough tattoos and also, no matter how fat, ugly and freaky you are, there is always somebody fatter, uglier and freakier than you and they are wearing less clothes.
What is he saying to her?
I know it might be difficult for some of you, but please keep your comments at least PG-13.
Here's a couple to get you started:
You don't smell anything like what Rev. Wright said!
Wow, your skin is almost as smooth as John Edwards'!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Osamalamadingdong
'Ello and welcome to de Kwicky Mart!
Stop! In the name of thermonuclear global suicide bomber love!
No, please. It is offensive to call me a raghead. It is actually a small sheet. I prefer "sheethead".
5 times I come to dis barber and you always cut wrong hair! Now am forced to put this on head.
You won't believe it! I found 5 ticks in this beard yesterday.
I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth that I make up out of my warped brain and swear comes from the mouth of Allah.
Hey, y'all! Check out my new watch band!
I got great deal on new camo jacket! Five finger discount!
Ooh! Can somebody bring me some toilet paper, please?
For the last time, It's Osama, not Obama! That's just mean!
Good day for a memorial
Retired Army Colonel Jack H. Jacobs' story is just one of many that again make me proud to be an American. One has to wonder how many other times, in other places and other battlefields this kind of heroism was evidenced but never rewarded. To me, it is heroic to sign up to be a soldier and I can never voice my thanks or show my appreciation enough to all those who have. Today, though, on this Memorial Day, I want to highlight just one of those brave men. This will not do justice to his or the others' service but it is written with my most sincere gratitude. So, enjoy the day, eat some watermelon and go play at the lake but if you are able to do these things thank a veteran.
Medal of Honor citation
Citation:
For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity in action at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty. Capt. Jacobs (then 1st Lt.), Infantry, distinguished himself while serving as assistant battalion advisor, 2d Battalion, 16th Infantry, 9th Infantry Division, Army of the Republic of Vietnam. The 2d Battalion was advancing to contact when it came under intense heavy machine gun and mortar fire from a Viet Cong battalion positioned in well fortified bunkers. As the 2d Battalion deployed into attack formation its advance was halted by devastating fire. Capt. Jacobs, with the command element of the lead company, called for and directed air strikes on the enemy positions to facilitate a renewed attack. Due to the intensity of the enemy fire and heavy casualties to the command group, including the company commander, the attack stopped and the friendly troops became disorganized. Although wounded by mortar fragments, Capt. Jacobs assumed command of the allied company, ordered a withdrawal from the exposed position and established a defensive perimeter. Despite profuse bleeding from head wounds which impaired his vision, Capt. Jacobs, with complete disregard for his safety, returned under intense fire to evacuate a seriously wounded advisor to the safety of a wooded area where he administered lifesaving first aid. He then returned through heavy automatic weapons fire to evacuate the wounded company commander. Capt. Jacobs made repeated trips across the fire-swept open rice paddies evacuating wounded and their weapons. On 3 separate occasions, Capt. Jacobs contacted and drove off Viet Cong squads who were searching for allied wounded and weapons, single-handedly killing 3 and wounding several others. His gallant actions and extraordinary heroism saved the lives of 1 U.S. advisor and 13 allied soldiers. Through his effort the allied company was restored to an effective fighting unit and prevented defeat of the friendly forces by a strong and determined enemy. Capt. Jacobs, by his gallantry and bravery in action in the highest traditions of the military service, has reflected great credit upon himself, his unit, and the U.S. Army.
Citation:
For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity in action at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty. Capt. Jacobs (then 1st Lt.), Infantry, distinguished himself while serving as assistant battalion advisor, 2d Battalion, 16th Infantry, 9th Infantry Division, Army of the Republic of Vietnam. The 2d Battalion was advancing to contact when it came under intense heavy machine gun and mortar fire from a Viet Cong battalion positioned in well fortified bunkers. As the 2d Battalion deployed into attack formation its advance was halted by devastating fire. Capt. Jacobs, with the command element of the lead company, called for and directed air strikes on the enemy positions to facilitate a renewed attack. Due to the intensity of the enemy fire and heavy casualties to the command group, including the company commander, the attack stopped and the friendly troops became disorganized. Although wounded by mortar fragments, Capt. Jacobs assumed command of the allied company, ordered a withdrawal from the exposed position and established a defensive perimeter. Despite profuse bleeding from head wounds which impaired his vision, Capt. Jacobs, with complete disregard for his safety, returned under intense fire to evacuate a seriously wounded advisor to the safety of a wooded area where he administered lifesaving first aid. He then returned through heavy automatic weapons fire to evacuate the wounded company commander. Capt. Jacobs made repeated trips across the fire-swept open rice paddies evacuating wounded and their weapons. On 3 separate occasions, Capt. Jacobs contacted and drove off Viet Cong squads who were searching for allied wounded and weapons, single-handedly killing 3 and wounding several others. His gallant actions and extraordinary heroism saved the lives of 1 U.S. advisor and 13 allied soldiers. Through his effort the allied company was restored to an effective fighting unit and prevented defeat of the friendly forces by a strong and determined enemy. Capt. Jacobs, by his gallantry and bravery in action in the highest traditions of the military service, has reflected great credit upon himself, his unit, and the U.S. Army.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Witches' Lib
Having been concerned for some time now that I am not reaching a large section of the female population with my writing, I have come to the conclusion that they are sincerely missing out. I see two options to attract more women to this site: I could write long, breath-taking articles on the benefit of pumps versus flats and where to find mascara that matches your skin tone or I could articulate my thoughts on the burning of witches.
The subject of witch burning has been controversial since at least the 1692 Salem witch trials but I am here to let women of all streams of society know that I am, as a rule, against the burning of witches. This will be good news to my High School math teacher, the lady who used to live across the street and two ex-girlfriends. I have come to realize that witchcraft is hard to prove in court and that even hardened witches can sometimes be rehabilitated.
The problem with burning witches is that it takes a lot of room and can be very messy. My neighborhood also has a burn ban in place and that much firewood is getting expensive. So, in the interest of practicality and, of course, witches' rights, I propose that when a woman is proven to be a witch she should be sentenced to a lifetime of pant suits and at least one failed run at the Presidency. You're welcome, ladies. You can go back to cooking dinner now.
The subject of witch burning has been controversial since at least the 1692 Salem witch trials but I am here to let women of all streams of society know that I am, as a rule, against the burning of witches. This will be good news to my High School math teacher, the lady who used to live across the street and two ex-girlfriends. I have come to realize that witchcraft is hard to prove in court and that even hardened witches can sometimes be rehabilitated.
The problem with burning witches is that it takes a lot of room and can be very messy. My neighborhood also has a burn ban in place and that much firewood is getting expensive. So, in the interest of practicality and, of course, witches' rights, I propose that when a woman is proven to be a witch she should be sentenced to a lifetime of pant suits and at least one failed run at the Presidency. You're welcome, ladies. You can go back to cooking dinner now.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Good news for zombies!
I didn't know the Vatican had it's own newspaper or observatory but evidently they have that kind of time and money. Just this week the chief observatory guy gave an interview to the newspaper guy saying he was fine with believing in ET's since he basically has no real faith or something to that effect. This corresponds to the announcement made by the head of the Vatican Voodoo department saying Zombies will now be allowed into the priesthood since they are the reanimated corpses of God's creatures.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Friday, May 02, 2008
Wright opinion
I don't have to tell you that this is probably not the place to come for in-depth, analytical, well-thought out, helpful problem-solving or even theorizing. A philosopher, I ain't. Read Socrates or Don Dodson if you want stuff like that. In fact, forget Socrates. Don is smarter just not quite as well published. But I do have my opinions and as much as it sounds like a whiney little punk, I do have my feelings. I'm sure I have had my feelings hurt in the past but I can't really remember when. I'm just not that way. But I had my feelings hurt today and now I'm ticked!
There are lots of other places to go to actually learn about the whole Pastor Jeremiah Wright / Obama controversy but all I can do is tell about how it affected me today. It affected me because I actually listened to nearly an hour of one of Wright's sermons today. You probably have heard the infamous "G** D*** America" line from one of his sermons but Wright says he was taken out of context in how he said it. He is a liar. I cannot imagine that kind of speech made in any kind of public forum but especially from behind a pulpit. I hesitate to even include those words with asterisks in this post and I sincerely apologize for the offensiveness here but imagine hearing those words unaltered and unashamedly from someone who calls themself a Christian or from anyone who claims to be an American! Who does he think he is?! What are the members of that church thinking? Wright has said some pretty crazy things but when those words came out of his mouth there should have been any number of people stand up and immediately put his back against a wall and inform him in no uncertain terms that speech like that against the nation where he lives WILL NOT be tolerated.
Race has nothing to do with it. Politics has nothing to do with it. I am hurt by his words as a Christian and an American and even if America is far from perfect I will not tolerate that kind of hate-filled language for the country that guarantees your right to express it. Reverend Wright, you don't have to love it but you also don't have to live here!
There are lots of other places to go to actually learn about the whole Pastor Jeremiah Wright / Obama controversy but all I can do is tell about how it affected me today. It affected me because I actually listened to nearly an hour of one of Wright's sermons today. You probably have heard the infamous "G** D*** America" line from one of his sermons but Wright says he was taken out of context in how he said it. He is a liar. I cannot imagine that kind of speech made in any kind of public forum but especially from behind a pulpit. I hesitate to even include those words with asterisks in this post and I sincerely apologize for the offensiveness here but imagine hearing those words unaltered and unashamedly from someone who calls themself a Christian or from anyone who claims to be an American! Who does he think he is?! What are the members of that church thinking? Wright has said some pretty crazy things but when those words came out of his mouth there should have been any number of people stand up and immediately put his back against a wall and inform him in no uncertain terms that speech like that against the nation where he lives WILL NOT be tolerated.
Race has nothing to do with it. Politics has nothing to do with it. I am hurt by his words as a Christian and an American and even if America is far from perfect I will not tolerate that kind of hate-filled language for the country that guarantees your right to express it. Reverend Wright, you don't have to love it but you also don't have to live here!
Enhancement?
I have a question. I always mute TV commercials so I don't know what the women might be saying, but, has anybody's wife EVER seriously looked at her husband the way the women in the male enhancement ads look at their husbands?
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