It's not funny if you have to explain it.

I knew not everybody in the world would understand my last post but I thought my 4 loyal blog readers would at least understand my humor and know how my blog is set up. Just so everybody knows, that last post was written by me but is only my twisted humor about the article that is linked in the highlighted words at the beginning and end of the post. If you click on the highlighted words it takes you to this page: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/7630000.html

See that guy? That ain't me. I'm much more ruggedly handsome. AND...when I drink Jagermeister it doesn't affect my vision.

See that? That, too, was a joke. Let's all laugh at Todd's funny joke. Sorry for the confusion.

How it happened

Okay, this is how it happened. A friend of mine got fired from his job a few days ago because his boss doesn't know how to do her job and just wanted to get rid of all the "troublemakers". A man needs to blow off a little steam at times like that so I went with him to the local meat market in Houston for a few drinks. We met a couple girls, one thing led to another and everybody was over-served. I remember leaving with one of the girls but don't really remember much after that.

The sound of the siren woke me up and I realized I was driving up I-45. I could tell that my car was driving funny and I couldn't see out the windshield very well. Stupid Jagermeister. It always affects my vision like that. Evidently it makes the girl I was with sleepy because she's not saying much over in the passenger seat. And boy, is she ugly! She's a mess. I guess we really had fun.

So, anyway, the stupid cop pulls me over and asks me to step out of the car. I knew that wasn't gonna happen so I told him to just get in and we'd talk but he would have to move the girl over. Next thing I remember was waking up in a jail cell. That's how this all happened.

Haven't we all?

I never did like anniversaries.

I always thought anniversaries were for the woman. Who ever heard of a woman forgetting an anniversary and the man being upset? Who ever heard of a woman forgetting an anniversary, period? That's pretty much the way it is all through married life, I guess. But maybe it changes after marriage. Maybe when it's all done she doesn't think about it much but the guy does. I don't know if that's always the case but I know it's common.

My friend Don (http://letmenottothemarriageoftrueminds.blogspot.com/) recently said in a post that it was the fourth anniversary of losing his best friend. I remember when that happened, thought it was crazy that it could happen to him, and was glad it would never happen to me. Well, today I note the passing of one year since my best friend divorced me. I'm sure I don't have to point out the lesson to be learned there by all the married men.

So what do I say? I've thought about what I would say when this day came for a long while now. I had pretty much decided I would pour out my heart and say all the things I wanted to say to her, about how bad it hurt and how I couldn't believe this or that and how it wasn't my fault. But who wants to hear all that? And what good would it do? Although, one could argue that since only four people ever read this what good does it do to write anything if not for my own self-expression?

I then decided to take a more light-hearted approach and say I was going to make a list of all the things I miss about her and include all the things that made me mad but that would be a pretty transparent form of whining and we go back to, who wants to hear that?

Maybe I should wax eloquently about the topic of forgiveness. I certainly have trod that road in the past year and I believe I have made great strides down that road but I'm pretty sure I have not come to the finish line so until I do maybe I'll hold off on that subject.

Well, just so that this post was not a total waste of a reader's time like much of the other stuff I have posted over the years, let me just briefly say what I have learned in this process. Maybe it could possibly help somebody out there. The problem with saying what I have learned is that I don't like what I have learned and, honestly, wish I could say something different. But what I have learned can be summed up in two sentences. Don't ever get married. If you do, don't ever have kids. It's that simple.

Now, I know that all you married men out there (ok, you two married men) who have kids and have wonderful, fulfilling, satisfying lives are about to jump on me and say it's not true. You want to tell me about how great it can be to be married to a wonderful gal and how you have 2.5 great kids and a picket fence and a station wagon, just living the dream and how, yes, there are hard times but ultimately it is worth it and how you wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't.

You see, I've had all that too. I once had a beautiful, funny, smart Christian wife and two good kids I felt were my own. And now I don't. God has provided for me and blessed me in ways that I'll never understand and He has put me in the place where I am supposed to be with a great church and wonderful friends, a great family who supports me like crazy and for all that I will always be grateful. I just wish I had never gotten married. Nobody goes into marriage thinking that there is even a chance they will get divorced but it happens to half the population and there is nothing besides direct abuse that is worse for a child than to go through that.

I wish I could give some better, more uplifting advice but that is what I have learned. That is about all I can take away from eight years of marriage. Don't do it. It's just one more anniversary to "note" instead of "celebrate".

ps So that this is not at the top of the blog I am going to put something a little more light-hearted, yet appropriate as my next post. Enjoy that!

Advice from my Dad

My Father's Day tribute comes on the heels of a frustrating day yesterday. I bought some software that is supposed to make sermon prep a little easier. It has commentaries, dictionaries, different versions of the Bible. It even has a word processor built in that will cross reference your sermons to each other and passages of scripture will be cross referenced to others. Sounded pretty cool until about half way through typing out my sermon the program crashed. Dead. All my work gone. It's 10:30 Saturday night. So I restarted it and used it again really wanting all that sweet cross referencing. This time I got to within about three or four words of being completely finished and it did it again. Dead. Gone. Everything.

So now it's 11:30 and I have been working on this all week and I don't think I can do anymore and so I'm about to just go to bed and tell the congregation tomorrow what happened and maybe we can just sing alot or take testimonies or something. But I remembered what my Dad told me years ago. I called him in a similar situation on a late Saturday night before teaching Sunday School the next morning.

"Pop, I got nothing. What do I do?"
"Better get to work."
"But I mean I really got nothing. How am I supposed to do it?"

I don't know what I was expecting him to say. I guess he was supposed to tell me the magic prayer to pray and the Bible fairy will leave it under my pillow or something.

He just told me one more time, "You really better get to work then".

Then I remembered more than once years before driving by the church he pastored and seeing his office light on even in the middle of the night on Saturday night. I won't say what I was doing coming home in the middle of the night but I had to pass by there and I often saw his light on as I passed and now I knew that his words of wisdom were born of great late-night experience.

So last night I got to work and retyped the whole thing and it turned out well. I know God helps those who are diligent but sometimes he also sends a Godly father to give timely, wise advice. Thanks, Pop, and happy Father's Day.

What I realized from the sun setting tonight...

I sent this email to a friend of mine tonight. Some of the names have been changed to protect my innocence.

I wish you could come take a walk with us up here sometime. We see the same doe almost every night now when we walk at about 8:30 or so. Tonight I didn't want to disturb her so we quit walking her way and turned around. The sun was down but the sky was still lit up and the few clouds were a crazy orangey-gray kinda color and I thought that the same God who orchestrates a different sunset and sunrise every day has been orchestrating my life. He's been putting the right people at the right place at the right time all of my life and I believe that, while this may not be the "reason for me being alive" necessarily, that my being here in backward ol' Perth is exactly what He wants me to do and He has been preparing me for this all of my life. Ha, I got all of that from a sunset!

Sunrise, sunset

Look close to see all three dogs enjoying the sunrise and sunset of our new home in Perth, Australia.

Ok, I'm back

I finally got moved into my new house and have been pretty much internetless for nearly two weeks. The new digs are in Wise County but if anybody asks I moved to Perth, Australia. I moved to Wise County because I understand that's where all the really important bloggers are and I wanted to be close to them. I didn't know I would have to step back in time about 15 years to do it.

I have been known to make fun of "the Walmarts" ever so often but as I was walking through some old, smelly mom and pop place trying to buy groceries I realized how much I missed the Walmarts. Everything costs more and you have less to choose from. There is only one internet company in town and they know it. I called them to ask them to send me some literature on their different plans and the guy told me to go to their website. When I informed him that was why I was calling he said that whenever I do get the internet (through them) that I could then go online. Sigh.

I'm not exactly a partier anymore and it's a good thing. There's not much to do around here at night or on weekends that doesn't involve tipping over cows or sitting quietly. I understand high school football is huge around here so I'm thinking about just gouging out my eyeballs now to get ready for that.

The good news is that I get paid to preach the Good News and I am having a blast! I didn't know that for the previous 40-something years of my life I have been preparing to pastor but I see every day how God is using my life experiences to make me the man He wants me to be. I have a lot more to say about that and will soon but not tonight. I officiated my first funeral today and still have a lot to do to prepare for Sunday so I will check back soon. And remember, if anybody asks: Perth, Australia.

No thanks.

Why does everybody think I need a wife? It seems like here lately so many people have "somebody I'd like for you to meet." It's like asking President Lincoln if he would like to go back and see another show at Ford's Theater. Sure, there were some good parts about being married. Some of them even involved clothes. I was having a real good time up to the point where I was shot in the head by JW Boothe's great-great-granddaughter. Thanks but I really don't want to meet your friend with a great personality (and 3 kids) or the lady your wife works with (who is only slightly bi-polar). No thanks.

...but she's sweet!

Hmm...I don't know.

Maybe I'm just too suspicious but something just doesn't seem right about these two emails I have gotten lately. What do you think?

Good day,

I am (Special Agent) Alessandro Signorino, From The Heathrow International Airport Security Service London, England and i hereby wish to inform you that we have recovered your inheritance payment/consignment (box) from the criminals who were trying to redirect it's delivery to another address totally different from yours. Are you aware of this move?

Because the consignment (box) was retrieved from these criminals during our last routine inspection suspected to be banking instruments worth millions of United States dollar notes in cash as indicated on the consignment papers. Reply immediately if you authorized the delivery change, and then re-confirm your full name, contact address, telephone/cell & fax for proper verifications.

Waiting your urgent response on email: (ukheathrowairport@w.cn)

Mr. A. Signorino
(London Heathrow Airport Security Service)

and then this one:

Re: Urgent Payment Confirmation:

Attention Beneficiary.

Did you authorize any Mr. Jerry Richard from Ohio U.S.A to claim your $1,500.000.00 million inheritance payment on your behalf?

The debt settlement department is about processing the $1,500.000.00 million inheritance payment via ATM card special mode of payment in favor of Mr. Jerry Richard as your representative, if alternatively you never permitted such request, urgently forward your objection to the office of the debt settlement department and also reconfirm your full names, address, telephone & any form of identification to the officer for verification.

You are to forward the requested information's to the debt settlement officer with his email contact stated below.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Mary Johnson.
Inheritance Payment Coordinator.
NOTE: YOU ARE ONLY ADVISE TO FORWARD REPLY TO THE DEBT OFFICER'S EMAIL : debtofficer0001@mynet.com

This made me laugh.

I'm not big on putting one video after another on here but this is worth it.

Caption this video.

Skip right to the 1:50 mark for your cop of the year nomination.

Ok, I'm over it.

And I already know what to do for my Halloween costume. Should be pretty easy: a towel, a sheet, fake beard and some red paint.

Mixed feelings

Like everybody else I heard the good news last night that Bin Laden had been killed. I watched the news for a few minutes and was glad for what I saw and then went to bed grateful for our incredible military and wondering how much credit Obama was going to take for this. But I woke up feeling a little different. I once again turned on the news and saw the mass celebrations from coast to coast. Flag-waving and flag-draped Americans chanting "USA" and singing and honking horns in scenes similar to when our country has won a war.

So what's my problem? How come I don't feel like singing the National Anthem while draped in Old Glory and wearing a NYFD cap and kissing a baby?Maybe I'm getting older and that's the problem. The older I get the more precious life seems to get. I used to be a big deer hunter but I hate to admit it but now I would rather just shoot my camera at them. I still squash spiders and swat flies so I'm not totally soft.

Maybe my feeling stems from the fact that I realize we killed the leader of a bad group but the bad group still exists and didn't need much of a reason to hate us even more if that is possible. We have not won a war today with his death and the way people are celebrating looks too much like how people celebrate over there when one of our people gets killed and that disgusts me when it happens to one of ours so maybe that is part of my problem.

Lastly, as much as I know that Hell was made for people like Bin Laden who kill innocent people I also know that Hell was not really made for anybody but Satan and I hate to think of anybody (yes, even him) spending eternity there. Hell is a real place and much worse than we can imagine and I just can't help but wonder what wonderful things could be accomplished for the Kingdom by a man with Osama's passion. Think it couldn't happen? So did the first church in Jerusalem when they heard about Saul of Tarsus on the road to Damascus.

In the big scheme of things, yes, I agree, it is a day to celebrate the fact that justice has been done and who knows how many lives have been saved by taking out this dirtbag? Still, death is the end. And the end for someone without a relationship with Jesus is an eternal hopelessness that I wouldn't wish on anybody.

"When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers." Proverbs 21:15

"As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live." Ezekiel 33:11

God bless you Franklin Graham! So refreshing!

"How great indeed" is this hat-tip?

Far be it from me not to show the love desperately demanded by one of the four loyal readers. How terribly rude of me not to mention the name of somebody who sent me a link to one of the most downloaded Youtube videos ever and one that I had seen posted any number of other places. Oh, the shame on me and my family for not writing "h/t dew" at the end of the previous post! Please, Dew, let me try to make it up to you. Now while this may not be the comparison of your great qualities next to the Holy Trinity itself that you asked for but I hope this will be the next best thing.

Ahem...to the other three loyal readers of this blog, please let it be known that Dewey Wayne Taliaferro sent me the link to the previous post's video of "How Great Thou Art". It was only through his great thoughtfulness to hit the "forward" button on the email and type in my name that this blog was blessed to have that song. Thank you, Dewey, again for all that you do for "Blog? I thought you said Dog!"

For you other readers who have been edified to have read Dewey's hilarious and insightful and always thought-provoking comments in previous posts, you may want to thank him personally for sending me the link to the video. If so, his personal cell phone number is (817) 713-7788. For all of you email spammers and phishers out there please do not send him large amounts of junk email at meldewee@sbcglobal.net about the best places to buy Viagara as he already knows that. Thank you.

How great indeed.

I don't know anything about the faith of Underwood or Gill but it is a beautiful song and she has an awesome voice. I can't help but think about Philippians 1:18.

Heartbreaking

Good Friday to ya! (Letter to my church)

As I sit here writing this I wonder what was going through the mind of Jesus about this time on a Friday morning so many years ago. Betrayed and falsely accused, did He ever start to wonder if these people (me included) were worth the pain and suffering He was about to endure? Did He ever start to wonder why He had to die when so many people would reject Him? Almost as bad would have been the thought that some would accept Him but never tell anybody else about the joy and peace and forgiveness that comes with accepting Him into their heart.

Whatever His thoughts may have been, His prayer was "Father, may Your will be done". MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE! Oh, God, in my own life and in the life of my family at FBC Runaway Bay, I pray that your will is done in our lives! God, please use us as you see fit. Please forgive us all of our sins. Give us, please, wisdom and patience and grace as we deal with each others' imperfections. We ask that You would be mindful of our church and please protect it, for Your glory, from attacks from within and without. We don't have much but all we have we give to You.

Thank You, Jesus, for what you did on the cross for us but most of all thank you for the resurrection! Thank You, Lord, that we don't worship a god that we can only pretend has power but instead we can have a relationship with the all-powerful and yet all-loving Creator. I don't understand Your ways, God, but I trust you. You have proven yourself trustworthy time and time again so I give you my life and our church and just ask that whatever happens, your will be done.

Join me, church family, this Sunday to celebrate Resurrection Sunday at FBC RB. I love you and look forward to seeing you there! Praying that God's will is done through us so that His kingdom may grow. Todd

I knew Manson wasn't crazy!

Manson said: 'I think Obama is an idiot for doing what he’s doing. They’re playing with him.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1378178/Charles-Manson-breaks-20-year-silence-40th-anniversary-gruesome-Sharon-Tate-murders.html#ixzz1Jv25Zyci

'Everyone’s God and if we don’t wake up to that there’s going to be no weather because our polar caps are melting because we’re doing bad things to the atmosphere.

'If we don’t change that as rapidly as I’m speaking to you now, if we don’t put the green back on the planet and put the trees back that we’ve butchered, if we don’t go to war against the problem...' he added, trailing off.

Ooohhh!! He almost had me believing!