Dori is a happy camper!

Back to nature

Me and some of my friends are gonna hang out this weekend at the bike show. Wanna come along?

Frito-Lay, seriously?

Lahoma is not ok. http://www.newsok.com/feed/box-of-chips-pays-for-prostitution-in-oklahoma-city/article/3380255?custom_click=pod_headline_news

Sources say crab dip was involved as well.

Happy Father's Day!

My dad and I went to Cancun together years ago. No real occasion for it. He said he just wanted to take me and we had a blast but what I was reminded of today was how he handled a fast-talking time share salesman. Here's the story:

My dad has been a Baptist preacher for longer than I have been alive but he also volunteered for a while to do a stint as chaplain for the local police department. It's a small town and there wasn't a whole lot of action for a chaplain but my dad was prepared for the action even if none appeared. He had all the accessories, let's just say that. He had hats, jackets, lights, even the gun but he also had a special wallet to hold his big, gold chaplain's badge. Never know when you might need to show your badge and Pop could whip that wallet out and flash that badge with the best of 'em.

So there we are in Cancun, Mexico, just the two of us for some sun and fun and we saw some guy in the hotel lobby giving out information on some fun things to do in Cancun. Through him one could go snorkeling, parasailing, fishing, diving, boating, tours, etc. He said if we just went to a quick orientation we could get a free breakfast and go snorkeling or parasailing for free. Well, we're all about free but Pop asked the guy if they were going to try to sell us anything and the guy assured us they would not. They just wanted to give some information.

We showed up at the place and sure enough, bigger than Dallas, they wanted to sell us timeshare vacation deals at "bargain prices" and all we had to do was listen to their presentation. At the end of the presentation we would not have to buy anything but we would get vouchers for free snorkeling or parasailing. So we tried to sit through it but after an hour or two of listening to this infomercial, we finally got up and left just to save what little time we had there in Cancun.

Later on that day we just happened to go into a mall not far from the hotel and there was the original salesman in a kiosk in the mall selling those timeshares. Pop marches up to him and asks him about the lie he told us about not trying to sell us anything. The guy recognizes us and starts to try to say something but before he could get it out Pop reaches in his pocket and pulls out the special wallet, flips it open like he has seen on TV too many times and flashes the big, gold chaplain's badge at the startled Mexican.

"In my country you would be arrested for business practices like that! Who do you think you are telling us a lie and trying to deceive us into buying a timeshare? That's illegal where I come from..." and Pop continued to tell the guy what he thought about him and his business. "I think you ought to go to jail for such behavior!" He looked at me and I tried not to laugh and just nodded. Pop didn't let up.

He griped at the scared Mexican salesman for a minute or two and the man got so intimidated and nervous he couldn't hand over vouchers quick enough. He wound up giving us vouchers for free parasailing and snorkeling and he even threw in a t-shirt just to make the mad American policia go away! Pop never said he was law enforcement but evidently "Chaplain" does not translate well when flashed on a badge for half a second and if that was his impression, oh well! We enjoyed the trip even more as we parasailed and snorkeled and laughed the whole time and Pop still cracks up when we talk about it. So, happy Father's Day, Pop. Good times! And remember, "Just act like you know what you're doing".

Could have been worse...

Ok, this is just off the top of my head. I didn't see Letterman when he told "the joke" and I didn't see him when he apologized and I know that much is told non-verbally so I just have to go by what I read here. My first thought is: at least he said that much. I just assumed he didn't feel bad at all about saying something like he did about Sarah Palin's daughter.

If you don't know what I'm talking about well, good for you. Nevermind. Don't worry about it but most people have heard that David Letterman said something offensive about the Palins. To tell you the truth, I wonder when people are going to quit taking seriously what "famous" people say. He's a stupid comedian who went for some cheap laughs by taking a shot at somebody else that is famous. Did he mean for the joke to be about the 18 year old or the 14 year old? Who knows? Who cares? What's really the difference? Yes, it's tasteless and offensive but get over it. That's what people like him say.

I'm a big Palin fan but honestly, she probably overreacted. I'm not cutting Letterman any slack. He never should have told that joke but Palin should have never let it escalate to this point. Maybe I want to live in a perfect world but people have more important things to do than wah wah about people saying mean things. Put your big-girl panties on and show people that you have style and grace even when your name is slandered and your feelings get hurt.

So, my point is that at least Letterman apologized. Could it have been better? Yeah, sure. Did he really mean it or is he worried about his ratings? Eh, probably a little bit of both. Who knows? Who cares? Let's go to sleep and tomorrow we fight bigger battles. Like...how is Teddy ever going to get home?!

I'm not there yet...

But I will be soon. Sometimes a man just needs to get away. I work hard. I've earned it and even my boss can't stop me. I told my parents the other night that I was going to Yellowstone Park and on up into Canada riding my motorcycle by myself and they just looked crestfallen. They know they can't do anything to change my mind and now it's all I think about on those rare occasions when my mind can go where it wants. It always goes north. You know what I want to see most? Sunrise. I promise to come back with the picture of a sunrise. You will know that's why I went when you see it. More info to come.

More handgun probs

Ok, I have a few problems with this article. First off, it's so very obviously a toy gun and anybody should be able to tell even tucked into a waistband. Secondly, these kids were rummaging around the dumpsters looking for unused booze on a college campus. Is there such a thing as unused booze on a college campus and would they really throw it in a dumpster? Also, the fourth paragraph says, "No shots were fired". No (headbob) kidding! It was a toy gun! This article is getting on my nerves!

Handgun problems: solved!

A friend of mine recently wrote about reading another friend's blog about reading the owner's manual of his pistol. I only hope that criminals read the owner's manual as well since mine reads "Danger: This product is not intended for use by criminals or for the use in commission of crimes."



Also, there are no pictures to go along with this post since I was scared off of google after entering "gangbanger pics" in the search window. Don't try it. Just trust me.

Good news and bad news

Bad news: we elected Gilligan to be vice-president.

Good News: I got HD and a DVR!

Bad news: Swine Flu is the new AIDS.

Good news: I don't have to watch commercials anymore!

Bad news: Obama kills babies with his open heart and open mind.

Good news: I have a crystal clear picture and extra channels!

Bad news: Nancy Pelosi is obviously a zombie fire ant wandering aimlessly with no brain.

Good news: I'm paying less now than I was for regular TV!

I think the world is going to be just fine now!

Blame it on the Ambien

Ah, the miracles of modern medicine! In this life, sometimes things just don't go quite right. Sometimes a man just needs a little help. Know what I mean? Sometimes just a little bit of pharmaceutical help is all that's needed. Anything can be taken the extreme but I firmly believe that some medicines, in the right dosage, under a doctor's care can dramatically increase the quality of life. No great leap there, I know, but some people won't "do drugs" for anything even if advised by people that know. I have a friend whose wife should definitely go to the doctor for some happy pills. Nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you a bad person if you need a little adjustment here and there. It happens to good people all the time.

My drug of choice is Ambien. I highly recommend it if you have trouble falling asleep. I don't know how it works but evidently it tricks your brain into thinking it's sleepy and you fall asleep but that trickery is caused by a strong hallucinagen. One can imagine the problems that it might cause but I like to think of it as opportunity. You have the opportunity to see things you wouldn't normally see and to forget things you might not want to remember. Lots of new doors can be opened with a good drug like Ambien.

Now so far Ambien and blogging have been a fun mix. I take the stuff about 9:00 or 9:30 and then go to the computer. Again, for some that might be a problem but not me. Just this morning, for instance, I was able to read my own blog like any other reader. I saw the last post about Gain detergent and thought, "Huh, I wonder what that's about". I have to admit that I had to read it a couple of times before I totally understood it but, hey, not bad for somebody totally out of their mind. So just to make sure it's clear: anything you read here written after about 9:00 or 9:30 does not necessarily reflect the views of the owner so please read with a grain of salt. At least I have an excuse for saying stupid stuff. What's Bono's excuse?

Beleive it or not, I'm not in this for the money.

I was cruising around my blog tonight just looking at different things and came across a section on the dashboard part of it behind the scenes that is labeled "Monetize". I, like some others, have a slight interest in all things money so I clicked over there. It gave tips and hints on how to add advertising to your blog by putting ads between the sidebar and below the post. They won't tell you how much you will make by doing it but this is to let my loyal readers know that you will not see any ads in my blog! Not me. No way, not the kid! I'm not giving in to the man. For love of the game...that's me. Nobody's making any money off those two stupid cartoons and a picture of John Wayne. That's right. Shoot it's time for bed. I sure am glad I bought Gain Laundry Detergent. My sheets have that willowy forest smell to it. It's the smell...the smell of clean! Ca-ching!

Storytime in parts

--Part XI--

Jimmy Robert Cade had a decision to make. He had always been down on his luck and had rarely kept the few meaningless jobs he had ever aquired for more than a few months. In his mind Cade (known by his associates as Jimbob) had always felt that he was under-appreciated. Employers rarely saw the diamond in the rough he was soon to be if he just had a break. If they would just give him some latitude in his work ethic he would show them pretty soon that he was a good worker but few employers were willing or able to see things as Jimbob saw them and now he had to make a decision.

The gun in his coat pocket made him feel powerful. It was the feeling he had never gotten any other way and the sensation was sweeping over him like a fever. It started in his head and had moved down his spine. It puffed out his chest and moved down to his feet that were now moving one after the other without his acknowledgment toward the building. His mind freewheeled over things that had been said to him and done to him. Most of the time he had not protested when he was fired from a job or turned down for an opportunity but some things were beyond his control. When he lost his job at the diner the owner said it was because he was continually tardy but Jimbob's car had broken down and he had yet to fix it. That's all. The owner said Jimbob "couldn't be counted on" and had fired him after only two weeks. "I bet he's not counting on this!", thought Jimbob as he walked down the sidewalk. He reached the door and paused, glancing in the restaurant and taking a deep breath.

Jimbob Cade was thirty years old but looked several years older. He grew his stringy hair longer on one side and combed it over the top assuming nobody would notice the bare spot. He wore a thread-bare gray suit his ex-wife had bought him years ago so he would have something to wear to church but even though Christmas and Easter rarely came around the suit was well worn. He thought he looked good in it and wore it nearly everywhere proudly. He never cared for a tie and usually opted not to shave since he had sensitive skin. He was average height but slightly built with a concave chest and narrow slumping shoulders. When he looked in the mirror he knew that his brown eyes were his best feature. His ex-wife had told him that years ago when they were dating so that is how he knew.

He stood on the sidewalk for a long moment screwing his courage up to a sticking place and letting the memories combine with the newly-felt power. This combination of repression of feelings, oppression of employers and depression of mind had left a lasting impression on Jimbob's psyche that he felt had to be released. At this point he had pretty much made up his mind but if he needed any more motivation to go in the door he saw a ferocious dog approaching him obviously wanting to do him harm and so he slipped inside the door as much for safety than as to get what he was due.

The bell hanging on the door barely caused any heads to turn and Jimbob was unsure exactly of his next move. He walked over to the wooden counter where the cash register was but there was nobody there. Just then the old waitress called out, "Seat yourself, honey" and continued filling a customer's coffee mug. Jimbob waited by the register with his hand in his pocket wrapped around the small revolver. He waited there for several minutes just feeling uncomfortable. He had seen things going differently than this in his mind. He had seen patrons climbing under their tables in fear of him and the owner crying out, begging him to spare his life. Jimbob was not wanting to hurt anyone. He just wanted them to be afraid, to show him respect but none of that seemed to be happening now and Jimbob was getting anxious.

The waitress finally came over to him and repeated her previous message but when she turned around Jimbob grabbed her by the arm and pulled out the gun. He again expected her to instantly cower in fear but instead she jerked her arm away and looked him in the eye. Not even seeing the gun Jimbob held at waist level, the waitress said, "Hey! What the..." and then finally seeing the weapon, slowly finished her sentence with what Jimbob recognized as disgust in her voice. "...blue blazes do you think you're doing?"

"Give me the money outta the...in the..." Jimbob was mentally over-stimulated at this point and although he was jerking his thumb toward the cash register, he couldn't think of what to call it.

"Gimme the money!" He finally said loudly. All eyes now turned his way. He turned to tell them all something tough like you would see in the movies but the only thing that came out of his mouth was, "Stop it! Shut up!" It did not even make sense. All they were doing was looking at him. Visions of ex-wives and ex-employers all rushed to his already overloaded brain. He felt impotent and foolish and wished he were someplace else. He closed his eyes for a moment and reached up to wipe the sweat away from his forehead with the back of his hand that held the gun and felt the gun scrape against his fingers as it was pulled from his grasp in literally the blink of an eye.

His eyes popped open and he looked at the people in the restaurant. For a brief surreal second Jimbob did not know what happened. He even looked at his hand in disbelief. The gun was gone. One moment he had it and the next moment...he heard "Hey!" come out of his own mouth and then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He whirled around and saw the huge figure of a shabbily dressed man towering over him. He could smell alcohol and, oddly enough, bacon on his breath. The whole scene was more than Jimbob could process and he bolted for the door in a panic. He banged open the door, his every fiber wanting to find release from this situation. He heard the bell clash angrily against the glass door and saw the daylight but then as his foot hit the pavement he also saw the ferocious dog, mouth open and tongue out, waiting to bite him. The combination of momentum, adreneline and lack of natural coordination sent Jimbob flailing more sideways than forward and more airborne than running. He tried to jump over Teddy and turn at the same time and did neither very well. One leg hit the ground and gave him just enough distance to crease the lightpole with his eye socket on his way down to the sidewalk. Just before he passed out he could feel Teddy lick his nose.

My friend Kirk

Some of you have been wondering about my friend Kirk who fixed my computer. Who is this unknown super-friend with all-knowing computer skills? This is his picture. He usually wears a shirt when I see him but his wife gave me this picture to share. Just out of sight of the camera is a group of sorority girls that are ogling him with delight. He fixes computers in his spare time when he is not curing children's diseases in Botswana or single-handedly designing and building fighter jets at a local plant. Men fear him, women desire him. He also has nun-chuk skills and bow hunting skills. He's an astronaut and he owns this bar. If you see him, thank him for what he has done for all of us.

Taurus .40

Fits, shoots and looks just like it should.

I'm back!

Woohoo!! This is my home computer and it seems to be working fine now. My good friend Kirk came over and did major surgery on it and got it going again. Evidently the RAM had corrupted the hard drive and by removing some of the RAM and reinstalling the disk it is now working. I'll buy some RAM to replace it but I'm out cheap and I can't thank Kirk enough. He spent many hours over here tonight and had vast stores of patience while I looked over his shoulder asking if it was done yet. I told Kirk I had even prayed for the stupid thing to start working again and he admitted to me that he was about to give up trying but then prayed that the Lord would give him wisdom. He obviously did receive wisdom just like the Bible says and he was able to help a friend out with that wisdom. So, thank you, Lord and thank you, Kirk so very much. I tried to kiss Kirk on the mouth but he just turned his head! But I bet our wives will join us out to eat soon.

Now what?

I think I'm gonna start blogging with a Big Chief tablet and a #2 pencil. Maybe do some crayon work in there for color. Since I can't get my computer to work that's what I'm down to. Just come on over to my house if you want to read my Big Chief blog from now on. We bought the computer a little over a year ago from Best Buy and the warranty went out after a year. So I took it back to let those geek guys look at it and first they said they would diagnose it for $70.00. Then I took it back after doing the stuff they told me to do (reload the original disks) and they said they would diagnose it for $129.00 or diagnose it and fix it for $199.00. It won't let me do anything to it. It just keeps coming back to a black ctrl-alt-delete screen. I don't like using my work computer. (It's not as good for one thing.) But Marilyn and Teddy are screaming to get out of my head so maybe I'll try writing it down on the Big Chief. Hope that doesn't break down too.

Computer still dead

Ok, this is getting old! My home computer is still on the fritz. I took it to the geeks and they said to re-download the original disks that came with it but that didn't seem to help. I still come up with a screen that says ctl-alt-del. When I do that it just reboots and says the same thing. Do I need a new computer or should I let the geeks diagnose it for $70?

Computer problems

Sorry for the light posting. My home computer came up with the blue screen of death and I don't know what to do. Any ideas? I have alot to blog about. I just don't want to do from my work computer. I'm anxious to tell you about my new gun purchase (I'm now forty calibers of deadly!). I'll give you my Walmart theory. My thoughts about Guns n Roses, pirates, common sense, my trip to Canada, why you don't give pigs too much bran, my advice to my kids, and, of course, Marilyn and Teddy! Okay, maybe not all of that but you may be surprised. I'm about to start coming out of my shell. Stay tuned.

Bo vs. Bo

Look at that sissy dog on the left! What kind of self-respecting canine would be seen in a multi-color lei? This is just to serve notice that the real first dog has always been OUR Bo (on the right)! As Napoleon Bonaparte once said, "Change your name or change your ways".

I'm either gay or old.

I figure I either went gay or got old because I was wearing a pair of jeans yesterday called "Indigo Palms". Double belt loops and orange piping on the back pockets. Hey, they're comfortable so shut up! My mom got them at a garage sale for like fifty cents. But they might as well be called "Homo Palms". Oh, that's gross! Oh, well, they'll probably look good with my old fishing hat and dress shoes. Or pumps...no, not pumps. That's going too far.