Long story about this...

I had ridden the motorcycle to the casket store...

Shoulda been a cowboy, baby.

Is it wrong that I still like to dress like this?

First Baptist Church Runaway Bay

513 Port O Call Dr.  Runaway Bay, Tx. 76426  Sunday School is at 9:00.  Worship at 10:00.  We're not worried about how you are dressed but bring your Bible if you have one.  Praying that God's will would be done through us so that His Kingdom would grow!

You need Sonlight.

And Sonlight needs you!  http://sonlightwindows.blogspot.com/

Dori is a vision in blue!

Well, excuse me but I think you got my chair.

Sara the Princess.

Just before he lunged at my jugular...

Bo says, "Hey, are you trying to kill me or something?  I'm not even wearing my seatbelt!"

And I'll never juggle again.

His mustache should be burned.

This story http://news.yahoo.com/video/world-15749633/terry-jones-receives-death-threats-24780307 proves two things:  1)  Just because you are a pastor with a lot of facial hair does not mean you are smart.  2)  Islam is a religion of peace, you infidel.

Gun Safety PSA

Dumb kids often get hold of guns and shoot each other.  If your kids are dumb please make sure they are secured in a locked cabinet.  Thank you.

Dreaming of a man in uniform...

Caption this...

Gratuitous girls with guns pics

Live and learn...

Sorry for the automatic playing of the video about Rob Bell.  I didn't do that on purpose.  I'm getting sick of hearing, "Won mega-chuch pasta..." every time I click on the page so I'm going to post as much stuff as possible to get it off the main page.  This is liable to be even more insulting to your intelligence than usual.

Commentary quote

The intellectuals of our own day are far more likely to be converted by a church that does something sacrificial than by a church that thinks something acceptable and plausible. 

-Theodore P. Ferris, The Interpreters Bible Commentary on The Acts Of The Apostles
regarding Acts 17.

It makes sense.

But it is wrong.  Pastor Rob Bell has a new book out that explains how a loving and all-powerful God could allow his created children to spend eternity in Hell if they do not put their faith in trust in His Son Jesus.  He explains this by saying that Hell is a state of mind.  Heaven is real, mind you, but Hell is not.  It is hard for us to believe that God would send people to eternal torment, even if they are moral people, if they don't believe Jesus is the only way to Heaven.  In fact, because it is hard to believe people have always found other ways to believe or explain this away.  Every other religion got its start with basically some guy sitting under a tree somewhere saying, "That is just too hard to believe and so I'm just going to make something up that is easier to believe".  It may make sense but if God was easy to understand then we could be God too.  Isaiah 55:9  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Stop what you are doing.

Stop now.  Go get this chocolate.  Hot chocolate chip cookies with milk are pig vomit compared to this and you need it immediately.  It is white chocolate with bits of coconut and it is so good it is going to be a problem at my house.  I can already see I'm going to need a 12-step program if I ever want to get off of this alabaster ambrosia.  It was only $2 at the Walmarts but I would pay almost $3 for it.  No kidding, now go!

April Fools

A few days ago I posted about all the questions people are asking me lately.  This of course led to one more question from everybody that read that:  How did you answer those questions?  I'll give you a hint.  Proverbs 17:28!

Daydreaming...

When I was younger I would daydream about being a cowboy or a race car driver or about girls.  Now...

I imagine a slip'n slide that has chocolate chip cookies instead of water and a barrel of cold milk at the end.

Why I blog.

Some people blog because their intelligence will benefit mankind.  Some people blog because their insightful writing is motivational and poetically beautiful.  Some say they blog just to express themselves in this increasingly original-thought-stifling culture.  I blog just to read the comments afterward.

Evidently I'm a genius now.

I've spent my whole life going to church.  My father is a pastor.  My brother in law, cousins and uncles are pastors.  My grandfather was a pastor.  I even have an ancestor who came over on the Mayflower who was the minister for that group.  Not until recently though have I been called to that position.  As of March 20th I am now the called pastor of First Baptist Church Runaway Bay.  It's a big step for me.  There are alot of things I don't know.  I've preached before but there is a big difference between being a preacher and being a pastor.

The biggest difference I have found so far is that now that I am a pastor I am evidently the smartest guy around.  I say that, not because I think so or could possibly back it up, but because of the questions people ask me.  I'm one whole week into this job and I have gotten questions, all from adults, that include:  Are angels male or female?  How old is the earth?  If Adam and Eve only had Cain and Abel, how did they populate the earth?  Did black people evolve from monkeys?  Are you a Calvinist or an Armenian?  What does Satan look like?  Are gay people born that way?  Why is there so much suffering in the world?

Now all of those questions can be answered.  None of them are impossible at least to the best we can know but two weeks ago nobody was asking me those questions!  I can't wait until I have a few months under my belt.  I'm really gonna know it all!

Comments

I just noticed some comment on a previous post to my dogs that said, "Jesus kind sorta believed in Karma. "Treat others as you would have them treat you..."




Even "Who is my brother?" is karma-ish.



Whoever anonymously wrote that I wish you would explain #1 what that has to do with my dogs and #2 if you really believe Jesus believed in Karma. 
 
Thanks, Todd

Can't somebody just ask him?

Gadhafi, Qaddafi, Al-Qadhafi, Gathafi, Khaddafi?  Which is it Muammar?  And is he really still just a Colonel?  Shouldn't he be up for promotion by now?

Dude!

Yo Bra, one of the brethren has been taken by the wave gods, never to return.  That's the way I want to go:  doing what I love and do best!  Well, I guess there's not much chance of me drowning in a wave of salsa at the Mexican food buffet but it could happen!

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/03/17/us-surfer-killed-idUSTRE72G83Y20110317?feedType=RSS&feedName=sportsNews&rpc=22&sp=true

For Dew

One of the 3 loyal readers to this blog suggested a few posts back that he would buy a motorcycle with a gun mounted on it. I like what he's thinking! I know I've said that before and it got me in trouble but what's the worst that could happen if I drove down the street with one of these?

I thought you would especially appreciate the John Taliaferro Thompson!

600

In honor of my 600th blog post I have decided to buy myself this Mercedes Benz 600 limo.  I'm using the money I found in the median today.

I'm part Irish...part Comanche

“May the strength of God pilot us, may the wisdom of God instruct us, may the hand of God protect us, may the word of God direct us. Be always ours this day and forever more.”


- St. Patrick

(389-493)

One of my favorite games...

This is a game I like to play, usually when driving down the road with somebody and you have plenty of time.  The rules are based on what happened in Ohio here.  Somebody found a huge amount of cash on the street and nobody claims it and it is yours to do with what you want.  Except you can't pay bills with it and you can't give it away.  You have to buy something for yourself.  What do you buy?  In my scenario, I like to start out with a small amount and move up to "unlimited funds" but for this game we will use about what was found in the news story which I think was about $10,000.  For me, the first thing I would buy would depend on which was closer, the motorcycle store or the gun store.  How about you?

"I was bullied."

Hahaha!  I bet you were!  http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_OBAMA_BULLYING?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2011-03-10-17-24-51

Gaddafi is crazy!

What kind of person says of his own people, ""I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordnance to the ground."?

Oh, wait, sorry.  That was Charlie Sheen.

My version...

This is what happened when this guy broke into my home:

Shower running.
Timothy James Chapnek:  Man, this guy has NO shampoo in here at all!

BOOM!!!  BOOM!!!  BOOM!!!

Timothy James Chapnek:  Ahh!!  Help  911!!  The homeowner is shooting me in the...argh...

Me:  That'll teach ya to use up my hot water.

I've heard of using Kleenex for padding...

This reminds me of Groucho Marx:  I just shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How it got in my pajamas I'll never know!  http://www2.wsls.com/news/2011/mar/10/monkey-womans-bra-makes-waves-amherst-courthouse-ar-896809/

Dear Bo, Sara and Dori

Dear Dogs:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

I cannot buy any thing bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm..

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's backside. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

FBC RB

This is First Baptist Church Runaway Bay.  It's very much like the first church in the Book of Acts and I am excited to see how God works there.  I've had the opportunity to preach there pretty steadily since December and hope to continue to for awhile.

It's wrong to laugh at this video.

I didn't say I was right.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe this story at all.  http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2011/03/02/wife-holds-onto-minivan-hood-from-manteca-to-pleasanton/  First, there's no way a mini van can do 100 mph.  Second, what man in his right mind wouldn't slam on the brakes and then floor it again?  I bet she was yapping the whole time she was out there:

Slow down before I break a nail!

Honey, can you drop me off at the mall?

You're gonna have to put gas in this when you're done!  You know that don't ya?

This is ruining my hair!

I hope the neighbors don't see me in these shoes.

This windshield is filthy.  I thought you said you washed this.

You're gonna have to take me somewhere nice to make up for this.

Hang on, I'm getting a text.

So, anyhow I told Becky she didn't have to put up with that kind of...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...poor guy.

Of poultry, death and Dori-belle

I don't believe in Karma but if I did I would say it came to roost this past week.  I believe Dr. Frankenstein must have felt similarly when his monstrous creation turned on him as when Jose Luis Ochoa, 35, scumbag rooster fighter, felt when his creation turned on him (here).  Ochoa strapped a knife blade to the leg of a rooster and was then killed by said rooster.  If Ochoa wanted to be a rooster fighter he should have come prepared to fight.  How many high fours do you think that bird got when he got back to the locker room?  And talk about street cred!  I can just hear it now back at the barnyard:  "I heard he killed 4 Dominikers, 3 Rhode Island Reds and a Mexican!"  That bird's probably got a teardrop tattoo under his eye.  Even the fox won't go in the henhouse when he's in there!

In similar but different news, my dogs and I have found some really good hiking trails not far from our house.  Used mostly by off-road bikers, these trails are perfect for the four of us to get outside and get some exercise.  According to the tracks we see, deer, possums, coons, coyotes and buzzards all hang out in this woody area.  But never until last week have we ever seen a chicken.  I have no idea where this thing came from but it couldn't have been there long because there are too many wild critters that would love yardbird for dinner.

This is where my sweet little Dori-belle comes in.  Now as I said I have three dogs:  Bo is the big agressive male, Sara is the medium-sized but fast and sneaky one and Dori is the little bitty class clown of the group.  She loves everybody and everything and loves to play with me by grabbing my pants leg and pulling on it.  She found out though that chickens don't wear pants.  I looked up to see that big red chicken hopping on one leg, flapping it's wings and squalling bloody murder with a definitely smiling 12 pound mix breed running behind it with a chicken leg in her mouth.

When I quit laughing I called to Dori to leave that chicken alone and I swear that dog looked over at me as if to say, "Hang on!  I'm playing with my new friend!"  It looked like a cartoon with feathers flying and dirt getting kicked up by one chicken leg and two flapping wings.  Dori just squinted her eyes every time the wings popped her in the face but she was still smiling.  In fact she was still smiling when I finally made my way through the brush and got over to where I am pretty sure that bird had just died of a heart attack!  No kidding!  My sweet little Pookie Bear is a genuine chicken killer.  Not a mark on it.  Even the leg looked normal.  Oh, well.  Circle of life.  Some days you're the Mexican.  Some days you're the chicken.

Thoughts cuz I'm bored

It's the worst storm in the history of the universe out there right now and all I can do is watch the news and look online so here are some of my thoughts.

Groundhog Day.  Is there any possible way we could waste any more time and resources on complete foolishness?  I can understand doing that once and having a good laugh about what we assume some filthy rodent saw, but every year?  Y'all are alot more bored than I am and I'm pretty bored.

All you people who have lived "up north" and want to come down here and rag on us for not knowing how to drive on the ice:  shut up.  Should I believe you know how to drive on ice or should I believe my lying eyes that see you skating around like arrogant fools?

Do we really need some news reporter to stand on bridges in the -90 degree wind chill and tell us how cold and windy it is?  That poor girl is going to get sick.  Get her inside and let her point out the window if they think we need to be told how cold it is.

Has anybody checked on New Orleans lately?  If it starts to snow over there I want to make sure we have plenty of schoolbuses lined up to carry those needy people somewhere where somebody else can do everything for them.  And if they get any ice on the ground we could be rebuilding that place for years.

I have alot to be thankful for.  I have an incredibly warm and quiet house with a huge fire in the fireplace, lots of blankets, plenty of hot chocolate (although I do need milk, like always), and more food than I could eat anytime soon.  If I can sit around all day and only find this stuff to complain about I guess I'm in pretty good shape, huh?

He's persistent. I'll give him that.

I know, I know.  I said I wasn't going to say anything else about global warming but Al "Look at Me" Gore opened his fat mouth here and said this weather is caused by man-made global warming.  I'm not even going to refute it.  Read what he says carefully.  The words coming out of his mouth don't make sense, not to mention the science behind them!  It's just sad really.  He's fresh out of a divorce.  He's gained alot of weight.  He doesn't have a real job.  Oh, wait, maybe that's me...

Anyway, at least when I am proven wrong I don't keep insisting I'm right. 

Although, that's not what my ex-wife said.  Hmm...

Something's missing.

I'm used to seeing pictures and video of people shouting and protesting and throwing things in the Middle East.  I'm pretty sure that's the way they order breakfast over there.  The pictures coming out of Egypt now though are extreme even for that part of the world.  From what I gather the people are unhappy with their government and are demanding change and I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.  Who knows?  We may have to do the same thing some day soon.

Everytime I watch the news I keep thinking something is missing over there with these protests.  What is it?  Let's see, we have your basic screaming and yelling, check.  People with scarves on their head are throwing rocks, check.  Military and police seem to do nothing, check.  Cars and trucks on fire?  Yep, got that.  What is it?  Hmmm...Then I finally realized what was missing from these pictures.  We can't have a real good Middle Eastern protest without burning a few American flags!  What's the deal?  Don't tell me America is not at fault for something over there.  Surely the Great Satan must be punished for something!  What's this world coming to?

Hu said that?

 Chinese President Hu Jintao is in Washington DC today and I'm sure it's important but the 12 year old boy in me won't take a nap.  He keeps saying:

Hu's on first.

Obama hears a Hu.

Hu dat gonna win da Superbowl?

Hu cares about Obama?

Hu say wha?

Police? Not for me.

A few months ago I took the civil service exam for the local police department and was pretty pleased with how I did. I made a 94 out of 100 points. I took the test after reading in the paper that 50 openings needed to be filled. Evidently over 2000 other people read the same thing and decided to take the test. I didn't hear anything from them for a while and just assumed I wasn't what they were looking for and then a few weeks ago I got the call to come do the physical agility course.

The physical agility course is an obstacle course that includes scaling a 6 foot chain link fence, running up 4 flights of stairs, a couple of laps, a push/pull machine, dummy drag and simulated pistol shoot. The cut-off time is 2:55 and it is pass or fail. I wish you could have seen my fat gut and little legs getting over that fence! That's a Funniest Home Video right there. But I made it with 3 seconds to spare. The Olympics might not care but I was pretty proud. Not bad for an old fat guy.

Next in the application process was more physical testing as well as the background check and personal history book. I got to the testing facility this morning at 0830 as assigned. I'm pretty sore today from a strenuous day at work yesterday and was dreading the physical part of it but even more so I was not looking forward to giving every bit of my personal history to somebody no matter what uniform they wore. I have absolutely nothing to hide but I also have enough distrust of Big Brother (warranted or not) that I was leary about how that information might be used someday.

Something else kept bothering me about this as well. I had such a good day yesterday cleaning the windows at the house of some very nice people who made it clear how much they appreciated the work I did and it made me really enjoy what I do for a living. I'm my own boss and don't have anybody looking over my shoulder telling me what I did wrong or that I need to fill out a TPR report in triplicate for the home office. As I stood in line waiting to do the dreaded testing this morning some washed-up drill sargeant-wannabe who thought he was as tough as he was funny was walking around screaming at people not to block "his" doorway and not to lean against "his" wall.

I have to say I appreciate that impotent old banty rooster now because he helped me make an important decision. I realized the chances of them picking the short old fat guy out of 2000 other applicants was pretty slim and since I didn't really even want the job all that bad I could save them and me a lot of time and trouble. As the line moved forward I hit the door and headed to my car. It felt like somebody had given me a birthday present and a massage as I left there. I appreciate the hard work that our police go through but now I realize how glad I am that I'm not ever going to be one of them.

I'm a crazy gun lover too but...

The tragic shooting in Arizona has definitely stirred up a hornet's nest  Everybody wants to know why and how such a thing could happen.  Who all is to blame?  What do we have to do to keep this from happening again?  The internets are all abuzz about who is blaming who and who is talking about it and who is backing off and to be honest, while I think it is good to have conversations about this, I'm pretty sick of it already.  It's a good thing to have a logical, conclusion-focused debate about what happened but if you are blaming anybody except the shooter for what happened you are wrong.

No sane person could see Sarah Palin's "Target Map" and from that decide to commit murder.  If it is Rush Limbaugh's fault that people are dead then let's blame the tortillas in my Mexican food for making me fat.  Just because Glock makes a magazine that holds 33 rounds does not mean you have to go on a killing spree with it.  The shooter (his name not mentioned here for a reason) made the decision.  The shooter was a mental case.  How do we keep mental cases from making the decision to shoot people?  You don't.  There is nothing you can do if someone makes the decision to go off the deep end and legally buy a gun and then use it for nefarious intent.  The only thing you can do is be a trained and legal gun carrying citizen who shoots the mental case after his first shot. 

James Wilson, my friend.

I am deeply saddened and yet very grateful for the news I got today that my friend and neighbor of many years, James Wilson, died yesterday at the age of 68.  I am grateful because for some time now I have prayed that God would be merciful and take James on to Heaven.  James has suffered with dementia for over a year and for the past several months has been in a nursing home unable to talk or even communicate at all.  I don't think he knew when I visited him and he obviously was not eating and I understand even had a hard time drinking anything.  He had lost a considerable amount of weight and could do nothing but lay in bed and look at the wall.  I picture him riding his new Schwinn all over the golden streets today making friends and waving to everybody in Heaven.  I can't wait to see him again someday.  I know when I do he will say, "I've been wooking and wooking for you all over the pwace!"

That whole "sand through the hour glass" thing...

I had just one more reminder that I'm getting old today.  It actually didn't hit me until lunch was over.  I ate at the food court of the mall today with two friends I hadn't seen in years but were in town to visit for Christmas.  There was a lot of " I remember when..." stuff usually followed by something stupid we had done I wish they would forget.  One of them is a high-falutin' military officer working in the Pentagon and the other is now a high school math teacher in Austin.


Just walking into the mall and especially the food court is enough to make me feel old when I looked around at the kids busy eating some junk with one hand and texting the person across the table with the other.  I won't even talk about what they were wearing for fear of sounding as old as I now feel.  I honestly wouldn't have believed any of the three of us would ever have survived this long in as relatively good shape as we are.  That's not to say that time has been good to any of us. 

As I walked back to through the parking lot to my vehicle still chuckling about some of the things we talked about I realized something.  Nobody would consider any of us sissies and yet the one thing that would always bring the conversation down was when one of us would say something about our ex-wives.  All three of us had been through a lot over the years;  we talked about being places we shouldn't have or doing things that should have killed us and the only thing any of us seemed to really regret was getting married.  Hmm...

Nobody wants to see that anyway.

Interesting article here about taking pictures during the birth of a child.  The most interesting thing about it is the person interviewed who said they wanted to film their 8th child just like all the rest.  Look, Laurie Shifler, #1, nobody wants to see that happening down there.  My cousin video'd hers and I nearly threw up.  #2, At that point all babies look exactly alike.  Nasty little shriveled up and wet, red and wrinkled.  Just use the same pics for #8 as you did for #7.  Who's gonna know?  #3, It's your private parts, not a clown car.  Quit having kids!  You're not going to discipline them properly and taxpayers can't afford to feed them.

I know her!

Her name is Dorky Carter.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D9KCD15O0&show_article=1

Merry Twisted Christmas!

Phillipians 1:18 says, "But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV-SpT69IZ8

I'll give up my Sharpie when they pry it from my cold dead hands.

Just because you have a Concealed Sharpie Permit doesn't mean you can threaten a teacher's buffet priviledges with it.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/boy-13-busted-illegal-marker-possession

Merry Christmas you &*^&%$! jerk!

Evidently saying "Merry Christmas" is starting to cause problems.  We are all aware of the grinch companies who forbid their employees from saying the term for fear of insulting people.  What I am seeing now is people walking around with a chip on their shoulders just waiting and daring someone to say "Happy Holidays" to them.

"No!  No way!  It's MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!", they say with a self-righteous scowl.

Is that really in the spirit of celebrating the birth of Jesus?  Sure, we would prefer people to worship who we do and how we do it and do it for the right reason but sending good wishes with your mouth followed by daggers from your eyes is not making a very good case.  So relax out there and don't get your Christmas panties in a wad if somebody doesn't say the right greeting.  We are still celebrating Christmas no matter what they call it.

Silly Chinese

Doesn't he know not to wear black socks with a Speedo?

And you're out of your mind.

Whoever Jess Hart is, she has some words of advice for men everywhere.  I don't know who she is and have never seen her before and doubt that I ever will but if, as in her scenario, I were to see her in a bar I actually would walk up to her and ask her politely to bring me another drink.  And honey, the money I tip you with should go toward fixing that truck-sized gap in your big mouth.

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity/were-out-of-your-league-victorias-secret-star-warns-ordinary-blokes/story-e6frfmqi-1225973769888

I need a tissue.

You know what harms my emotional well-being?  Listening to some jack-wagon complain about how Christmas trees upset Buddhists!

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpps/news/study-christmas-trees-make-some-feel-excluded-dpgonc-20101220-fc_11154204

She's more out of touch than we thought.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano (Big Sis) has slipped off the slippery slope of reality and has headed fat-face first to La-La Land.  She's been playing around the edge with her mandates to TSA employees making them all perverts with "enhanced pat-downs" and now she evidently feels that part of her job protecting the nation from terrorists involves battling global warming.

The pat-downs have been talked about ad nauseum and you all know how I feel about the hoax that is global warming.  Evidently securing the borders was too big of a job for a woman and she needed something to do to justify her job so now she goes after whatever she can make up - literally.  I just hope she doesn't shoot down Santa Claus.

http://cnsnews.com/news/article/napolitano-says-dhs-begin-battling-clima

Sometimes "Wow!" is appropriate.

Found at Answers

My version of what happened

I've seen it happen a hundred times.  I'm sure it was the old man's fault.  Crotchety old goat.  You may have seen this on the news about the man in Michigan who was hit by the Burger King employee and died.  Read it here if you want but I'll fill in the blanks as to what actually happened.

--67 year old man walks in the front door of the BK:  "Can I help you, sir?"

"It's too &^%$ cold out there!"

"Yes, sir.  It is Michigan in the winter.  What can I get for you?"

"It didn't used to be this cold when I was younger", he says as he ties up the line in front of several customers.  "I remember the winter of  '08.  I was a teenager and was working on my Daddy's farm..."

"Do you need something to eat, sir?"

"What?"

"Will this be for here or to go?"

"What did you say?"

Louder:  "For here or to go, sir?"

His jaws finally close enough for him to utter, "Uhh..." and then stand there looking at the board over the employees head like it was written in pig latin.

"Do you have hamburgers?"

"Yessir."

"What kind of burgers do you have?"

"Sir?  Well...I mean...seriously?  They are all on the menu.  Do you need help with them?"

"Help?  I don't need your help, punk!  I was fighting in Viet Nam before you were a twinkle in your Daddy's eye, cheesebrain.  "Help"!  I didn't need your help when I was getting my elbows shot off in the DMZ in 69, did I?  Why you little..."

Employee ducks and says, "Have it your way, old man!"